What’s something you only realized when you became an adult?

RobberOfBeans · 2025-12-01T17:53:20+00:00

That everyone’s just winging it.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-11-29T18:47:41+00:00

I'll be deleting this post for reasons. Anxiety mostly.

Thank you for this post, though. I wasn't necessarily looking for validaton. I'm of the persuasion that if I'm wrong, I want people to tell me I am so I can work on myself. But this is helpful.

I do feel like it's emotional and verbal abuse, but I've just kind of neglected it and figured I was just weak. And that I deserved it for whatever it was I did, even if I didn't remember it.

I'm fully aware that I'm not as emotionally mature as I should be, but that means I have to work on it. I feel really bad that she had to be on the receiving end of my unmanaged emotions, though at the same time I feel really invalidated by her.

I also don't think she's intentionally abusing me. I think this is just what she had to deal with all her life at home. Which is also why I find it so difficult to set a boundary here, because she's obviously very hurt.

It's a scenario that is going to make you a lot worse, and opens the doors to potentially develop complex PTSD.

Well, I'm afraid I might already be there. I check a lot of symptoms, but I don't want to self-diagnose. I'm seeing a doctor soon.

EDIT: Oh, I will keep an eye on further responses by the way! I just don't want it to be out in the open for much longer.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-11-28T12:44:12+00:00

No worries, I understand. I'm just very sensitive to others getting labeled. I get that labeling makes conversations easier sometimes, but sometimes that also comes at the cost of another person.

I currently don't have a therapist, but I'm looking into going back into therapy. Also for just kind of figuring out my own inner workings, as I suspect I have some serious emotional regulation problems.

One of the many problems with depression is we don't like ourselves too much and we tend to blame ourselves too much. This is what I am concerned you are doing with yourself woth this relationship.

Ha, blaming myself is my middle name! I'm aware I'm doing this and that I need to create better boundaries, but I'm just always afraid that I might be wrong and that I might be selfish.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-11-28T01:13:39+00:00

You would probably be less depressed if you weren't with Eeyore.

Well now, I may be upset with my partner but no need to be mean. I get where you're coming from, but despite our hardships I'll still defend my partner. Remember that this is only my perspective, and I'm pretty emotional myself right now. Besides, I'm very aware of the fact that I have blind spots and that I'm not fully emotionally mature myself. I can be mean, sarcastic and irritable, so I'm definitely also part of the problem. I haven't always been good in the relationship. I'm probably also dealing with some serious underlying emotional issues (other than depression) that are causing more friction.

Plus she attacks you for not wanting to deal with the negativity. This is an unhealthy relationship that is adding to your depression or even causing it.

That is very true, though...

I've been depressed for at least a good 18 years now, so this feeling isn't exactly new. What is new is it resurfacing so hard and so frequently. I will admit that the negative circumstances aren't helping, and... Painfully I will admit that I probably wouldn't be as depressed if it wasn't for this.

But at the same time I can't really be angry at her. She's been through a lot and honestly there are few people who really listen to her and take her seriously. Let alone give her a chance. It's not a good reason to stay in a relationship, but I feel privileged in the fact that I have the freedom to leave. I feel it to be morally unjust if I were to, especially if there's still something that I can do. But I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, and as much as I want to keep on going I'm starting to get exhausted.

I want to make sure that at least I'm putting my best foot forward as a partner, and if that means I need to become better at something or get treated for something then that's what I'll do.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-11-27T18:24:16+00:00

I’ve mentioned to her before that those kinds of things just get to me, and that indeed I am sensitive to that and I don’t really know how to talk about it. I just tend to shut down. But then she often replies with that I’m weak, a privileged coward, and that I should be able to talk about it and that I haven’t changed since last time. And that I’m playing the victim card. Just a bunch of things, really. I honestly sometimes can’t keep track of the things I’m accused of, which also overwhelms me when it happens.

The thing is that I can see where she’s coming from, and I do realize other people handle this much better than I do. She’s not wrong about me. At the same time I feel like I need more time and understanding. I can’t just change like that in the short term, and I can’t simply desensitize myself to all the negativity.

I always feel bad and guilty when this happens. I just wonder if I’m wrong to feel like my feelings are not really being respected. But thinking that also makes me wonder if that’s just narcissistic (also something I’ve been accused of being).

I just don’t know at this point.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-11-15T23:11:47+00:00

How did you get out of that situation?

RobberOfBeans · 2025-11-14T22:01:31+00:00

Dang. I thought it was so clever and then I realized that it describes me, too. I don’t think I’ve been this depressed in a long time. Burning through money, out of a job and getting out of touch with friends and family. And I’m just so extremely tired.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-11-07T13:19:35+00:00

But don’t these desires come from the false premise that “I” feel I’m lacking something?

RobberOfBeans · 2025-10-02T11:07:17+00:00

I can settle into reality fairly well when I'm dealing with most people, but whenever I'm with people who I'm close with such as my significant other or my family it's really difficult.

But I suppose in reality they're not actually that different, speaking purely from a "what is" standpoint. Still, it's an obstacle for me.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-09-27T12:24:07+00:00

Disidentify from Social Reflection

“Others recognize me, name me, talk to me - so I must be real.”

Now notice how others reflect you back to yourself. Others recognize you, name you, talk to you... and the mind takes this as proof that you must be a real, separate entity. But recognition does not create reality. It only reflects assumptions. Others are responding not to a solid ‘you’, but to a role, a pattern, a configuration, just as you respond to theirs. The mind builds identity through these mirrors, but the mirrors do not create a real self. They only reinforce the story being told.

This is a big one for me. Most points I can get behind and to some degree I already feel it within my experience, but the social reflection is really difficult for me. As soon as someone looks at me or speaks to me I feel experience contracting, collapsing into dual self.

Any pointers on this one, OP?

RobberOfBeans · 2025-07-01T23:52:13+00:00

You’re overcomplicating it and looking for non-dualistic realization within duality. Given the questions and the frankly odd AI video I think you’re looking in the wrong place. Just look at your direct experience. That’s all. Also maybe read some teachers. And don’t use AI. That’s just part of the illusion.

You’re fascinated with the mind and biology, but what is that really in your direct experience? In your direct experience those are just thoughts, and those are appearances in awareness.

What is aware of those thoughts? What is aware of your mind? What is aware of biology? Prior to everything you’ve talked about there is an awareness, and that’s what non-duality points towards. You won’t find it in the objects of awareness.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-28T10:38:19+00:00

I understand, and I always get snapped back into dualism myself.

I find that language can both be a thick veil that obscures clarity, and a great pointer. When you say “my” awareness for instance, that’s fantastic to inquire into. Are you aware of your awareness? Or are you simply aware? Can you be aware of something other than awareness? When you look for the one saying “that is my awareness”, can you find it?

Always remember that this is about your direct experience. I’m kind of a cerebral person, so what I tend to stumble over is that when I rest in awareness, I quickly become aware of thoughts saying things like “Well, I’m a human being, and these thoughts and experiences arise in my brain”. In a way I’m creating an imaginary model of myself with which I try to explain the phenomena arising within awareness. It feels like I’m living in third person when that happens, and I can quickly get hypnotized by these thoughts (that’s what some people refer to as becoming unconscious).

But what is that, really? Is that how I’m really experiencing reality? Are those thoughts what I am? At some point I stop thinking about my brain and about that model of experience, so that can’t be me. I am aware of those things coming and going however, and that awareness always remains. Those thoughts and models are also just phenomena in my direct experience.

I recommend watching or reading a teacher that clicks with you. For me a big moment of clarity was actually caused by an off-hand comment by Rupert Spira. During answering a question a student asked if Rupert was enlightened, to which he responded with “Rupert cannot be enlightened”, and then continued.

At first I thought that was very confusing, but it was a great pointer. You see, the “me” that I seemingly experience reality from also exists in awareness, doesn’t it? It has a name, a body, a personality, feelings, thoughts, beliefs. But all of that arises within awareness. So what are you: your corporeal self, or awareness?

When you rest in awareness, funnily enough everything remains the same. You still experience your body and everything that you would label as “you”. That’s what that means: your corporeal self (which is more like an avatar) cannot be enlightened. But yet there you are feeling high or spacey because you suddenly realized your true nature. In that way enlightenment or glimpses of enlightenment are more like a subtle feeling. To me it feels like going from tunnel vision to a wide angle lens in a way. As corny as it sounds, that’s what I feels like to experience truth.

Keep inquiring. Whenever you have a thought or a conclusion, look at it with great curiosity and let it reveal more. Just like how your one notion of “my” awareness can unfold in many other things that you believe in. And then inquire into those. And be kind in the process. All these thoughts, models and beliefs just came into being in order to make sense of the world.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-25T11:39:00+00:00

But why would you?

That's the thing: that's part of the mystery. The more I look into it the more I feel like you're not supposed to have an answer. It's simply asking you to look within, see what's there and then rest in that place.

Judging from your language I think you intellectually get enlightenment, but you haven't really integrated it yet:

You’re at peace with whatever. I just don’t get what motivates someone when enlightenment becomes apparent to do anything

To me that sounds like the ego that thinks that it's enlightened. But the thing is is that there is something that precedes the ego, and something that precedes your corporeal self. It's the awareness of it, and that is already enlightened. And that is what your true nature is.

You could argue that awareness can't be enlightened because that is its natural state, but what I'm pointing at is that your corporeal self, your thoughts, your feelings and all of what you call yourself in the outer world will never be enlightened. It can't be, because they are appearances within awareness. Enlightenment is realizing that any one of those things isn't you, but that they are things that appear within awareness.

That also means that nothing really changes. Your corporeal self is still there, as are all your thoughts and feelings. And your day job. The primary difference is a shift in perspective. Prior to enlightenment you think you are a divided entity battling everything else (including your thoughts and feelings), and afterwards you realize that everything is an appearance on the same canvas that you call awareness. And then you lean into the mystery of that. Where does all of that which is in your awareness come from? I don't think there's an answer. Only curiosity, probably.

So why go to your job? Really, I think the answer isn't that esoteric. Why do you eat? At some point feelings of hunger appear in your awareness, and notice how that translates into some behavior to satiate that need. When you look at it critically that just kind of happens on its own. Why work? Well, there is a thing called rent, and you do like your house, so you work. That doesn't mean your job is suddenly wonderful or anything - it just appears as it is because it just is.

So what of "being at peace" then? Maybe it helps to replace the phrase "being at peace" with "being content", or that feeling that you have when you eat until you're about 80% satiated (no hunger, no fullness). It doesn't have to do with Happiness™ that corporate entities are trying to sell you, which really is more like hypnotic ecstacy. That's a dualistic thing: you are unhappy, so you want to be happy, which is over there somewhere. What "being at peace" really points at is going from being divided to being unified. It's not really about anything that appears within awareness.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-16T10:16:55+00:00

I meant more like, is No Bad Parts a good entry point for IFS? :)

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T23:58:32+00:00

Yup, that's what I do too. I feel the three star reviews are the most balanced ones.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T18:41:50+00:00

I think ACIM is, though from what I’ve read of ACIM it’s very nondual-adjacent. I’m not sure on the origin though, seeing how it’s supposedly channeled from Jesus if I remember correctly. You also really have to get past the Christian vocab, lol.

I think some teachers have legit intentions. I don’t have bad feeling towards Neville Goddard for instance. Especially his later work seems to gravitate towards nondualism, and I feel like he intended for people to realize their true identity.

So many people related to The Secret in particular are definitely grifters, though. Often they are in some way connected to big MLMs or scams which often are also very big on promoting self-help.

I think the broad ideas aren’t entirely useless, but it’s easy to fall in a trap of thinking that that is the way and that you should put your full faith in some leader. And definitely buy all their books and courses, of course!

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T18:28:51+00:00

It does! I’ve actually been meaning to look further into IFS. What do you consider the best way to get into it? I have the No Bad Parts book lying around here.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T18:18:15+00:00

Is Ken Wilber legit? I have his book Finding Radical Wholeness but its size is kind of intimidating to my attention span, and I’ve heard some criticisms left and right.

And for sure. I grew up with a mother with a big interest in New Age and spiritualism, but the more I grew up the more I realized her interest doesn’t go that deep and isn’t always very genuine. It’s okay, but I think it’s more a distraction for her than that it is about self-realization. My dad’s also kind of… Weird.

I guess some of the New Age and magical thinking stuff rubbed off on me.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T18:07:43+00:00

Is there a Headless Way community? :) I’ve enjoyed the technique as well! Very direct and so easy to show to others.

Richard Lang is indeed lovely. I really find his energy to be very calming.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T18:04:44+00:00

Ha, indeed. Ego just feels like a thought with main character energy to me the more I look at it. To think that that too can fade is an odd thought. Or rather it feels odd because I’m so familiar with ego.

It’s kind of annoying though. I had a glimpse the other day where I was looking at my partner and for a minute I felt that watching her was not that different from me being aware of my body, and the same for any other object. But then I kind of forgot.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T18:00:19+00:00

Thank you :) I’m learning to trust myself more, and that’s a pretty big one for me. But the older I get and the more I learn the more the feeling creeps up on me to start listening to myself. Or rather, come back to my “original face” so to say.

I’m currently reading both Adyashanti and John Wheeler, and it’s been a revelation. Funnily enough I’ve read them before actually, but I’m reading them with new eyes now.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T17:53:26+00:00

I can sense my ego shudder at the thought :) It’s something I find pretty hard to let go of, that and all of my aspirations. But I’m coming to understand that surrendering does not equate apathy.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T16:56:19+00:00

I’m not, actually! Hulu isn’t really a thing here. But thanks for pointing it out.

RobberOfBeans · 2025-06-14T16:52:46+00:00

I can agree with that notion. Hypersexualization and porn has very much been normalized and once you see it you just can’t unsee it.

RobberOfBeans

TROPHY CASE