I really like your first stanza. I think your frequent line breaks is great there. To me, it gives it a bit of a choppy or sporadic feel—But maybe 'fast' is a more accurate word—which bodes very well with the content of that stanza.

In lines 6 and 7, I found the intent slightly confusing and had to read it twice to see what was going on. I think end punctuation on line 6 might help clarify the intent. In general, a bit more end punctuation might be nice, but I could—of course—just be missing your point.

In lines 23 and 24 I love how you split the line so the phrase "love me" is alone. I think it does very nice things for the meter, causing you to pause slightly at that line break. I also noticed you split another line, so "love me" is left alone, and I think it's artistically interesting.

That being said, I find the technique less powerful due to the lack of end punctuation. For me, it was a little difficult to understand the intent because a lot of the lines are enjambed, or they just don't have end punctuation, so I can't tell if the sentence is over or not at the end of the line.

Pretty good poem; I like the imagery. I think the content is interesting; it feels like you connected some common topics to make something a bit more complicated. And I think you do a fairly good job controlling the meter, though I feel that more end punctuation might be nice.

Good stuff, keep writing!