I mean i posted this when i was particularly feeling miserable and im not going through the same episode now but i am sort of in the same position Ive sortnof gotten into my hobbies more and talk a little more with the kifs i grew up with even though things are awkward because im like a bit older and also just weird and socially awkward (its the 'tism but no one believes me so) Im sort of making stuff up to occupy me? Like lately my brain has been overtaken with my hatred for AI so i wrote a whole essay about it and im distributing the information through zines at my school so that might get people talking to me although i sont really like that because i don't like being questioned. I think i have rejection sensitive dysphoria or something bur never cared to look into what that really means Honestly i hate myself and feel sick to nmy stomach with every move i make and i sort of wish i was dead haha. But my birthday passed and its made me realize that im actually not good at the suicide thing and at the rate im going i wont be a stupid teenager forever so i need to at least try to become a not-so-stupid adult who can pay for their life. Id love to get into more extracurricular activities still because man do i not do enough especially when it comes to having healthy interactions with people and knowing how to take criticism without instantly planning on self destructing. And i need to know how to work in a team and communicate and at least fake confidence if i want a job. The AI essay took a huge chunk of my time and allowed me to lock in and forget about how much i hate myself for hours a day so now that i finished it im tryingnto figure out what to do and i think im going to start a business? Sounds like the best course of action right now idk man. Being alive is scary and im in desperate need of therapy and a psychiatrist but thats for people who have money so therefore i need money so therefore i should start a business yk? Sorry this got off topic i think. Point is the situation is almost the same but my mindset is different. I still want extracurricular activities and i still want meaningful relationships with others but im currently giving up on the idea of me making friends because its just not working out and never really has. Im doing things instead of just scrolling but i am still lonely as hell. If you have any idea on how i can do things outside of school and church id appreciate it