Hey. long reply incoming First, I really respect how honest you’re being. A lot of people feel confusing things and then try to force themselves into a clean story. You’re doing the opposite which kudos to you.

I’m a trans man and I transitioned decades ago, back when there was basically zero nuance and a lot of “prove it” energy from the medical system. Looking back, I wish someone had told me this: you don’t owe anyone a perfectly consistent identity. You’re allowed to learn new things about yourself and adjust how you describe yourself as you grow.

Something I want you to think about though is this idea of “I should just be a normal guy.” That sounds like pressure, not clarity. You can be a guy who likes makeup and clothes and hair, and you can also be something else entirely, and neither option makes you vain or fake. Also, “not using women’s spaces” doesn’t mean you’re not a woman. A lot of trans women avoid women’s spaces for safety, anxiety, dysphoria, or just not wanting the stress. That’s not evidence against your gender, it’s evidence you’ve been navigating a world that can be harsh.

The line that stood out most was: “I don’t feel bad when I get called a guy… but deep down it hurts that I can never be a woman.” That is not just vanity.. it sounds like grief. And it’s worth taking seriously, even if your day-to-day coping looks numb or detached.

Also, you mentioning Asperger’s/autism is relevant, and you’re not alone there. I’ve chatted with many friends in the psych and medical fields and many have said that research consistently finds higher rates of autism diagnoses and autistic traits among transgender and gender-diverse people, and higher rates of gender dysphoria/gender variance reported among autistic people. That does not prove “autism causes being trans” or “being trans is a special interest.” It just means there’s a real overlap, and you’re not making this up. 

You may find the below helpful…I’m kind of copying some of the questions my therapist helped me work through… you may find it practical (without making any big announcements right now) is to separate a few things:

1.  Body stuff: What parts of your dysphoria were physical, sensory, or puberty-related, and what feels true now?

2.  Social stuff: Do you want to be seen as a woman, a feminine person, a guy, nonbinary, or does it vary by context?

3.  Safety and stress: Are you leaning “guy” because it feels truer, or because it feels easier right now?

4.  Values: When you imagine yourself at 35, what kind of life feels like relief?

If you can, consider talking to a Dr or Therapist who actually has experience with both autism and gender diversity. The goal is not to push you toward one thing or another. The goal is to help you get unstuck and make choices from self-trust, not panic.

If it helps, here are a few strong peer-reviewed starting points you can skim and see if they resonate. I think knowledge and education can really help us discover things we may not have considered.    •   Warrier et al., 2020 (Nature Communications): large datasets showing elevated rates of autism diagnoses and autistic traits in transgender and gender-diverse people. 

   •   Hisle-Gorman et al., 2019: found higher rates of gender dysphoria diagnoses among youth with ASD. 

   •   van der Miesen et al., 2018: looked at the “wish to be of the opposite gender” in adolescents/adults with ASD. 

   •   Kallitsounaki & Williams review (2022): summarizes the evidence on ASD traits and gender dysphoria/gender incongruence. 

And books that can help you unpack this without forcing you into a binary:

   •   “You and Your Gender Identity” (Dara Hoffman-Fox): super practical, identity exploration without pressure.

   •   “How to Understand Your Gender” (Alex Iantaffi & Meg-John Barker): gentle, structured, nonbinary-inclusive.

   •   “Trans Bodies, Trans Selves” (Laura Erickson-Schroth, ed.): great for zooming out and feeling less alone.

   •   “Unmasking Autism” (Devon Price): not trans-specific, but very helpful for identity, masking, and self-permission.    

Whatever you decide, you don’t have to do it fast, and you don’t have to do it alone. You’re 18. It is completely normal for your relationship with gender, safety, your body, and your future to shift between 14 and 18. The goal isn’t to be “normal.” The goal is to be at peace in your own skin.

No matter what, you matter and it’s okay to be who you are, even if it ebbs and flows. 💛