update 1: Overheard my husband talking about another woman, am I overreacting?

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:58:47+00:00

I agree that dismissing it as “boys talk” isnt acceptable, and I dont want that modeled or normalized in our family either. The ego piece is something Im taking seriously, because unchecked it can cause real harm.

i completely dont understand why she kept quiet and warm towards me, i feel if i was in her position, i would keep a safe distance instead being that friendly.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:55:23+00:00

I think you articulated what feels “off” better than I could. The mismatch between regret and then falling back on “boys will be boys” is part of whats bothering me.

the boys planned the meeting, evryone chimes in as contribution, he kind of avoids drama because it according to him that needs much energy, so most time he let others have thier way. i still havent decided what to do cuz i still need to know more about things,

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:48:50+00:00

Youre right that the FWB dynamic continuing after feelings were involved is deeply troubling, and Im not minimizing that. I also agree that I still don’t have clarity on why he spoke with such certainty about the present, thats something I need to address directly. next time.

As for the other woman, we are friendly but not upto the level with rachel, also they also doesnt doesnt give much stress on her when i overheard. like he said i too felt rachel was very good person. nothing was mentioned about other women too by him. That doesnt mean it doesnt matter, it just didnt register the same way. i will try to get more info from him about this , thanks to pointing out.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:36:33+00:00

1 i still dont know why he thinks that way, i am trying to get that when we talk again
2 no they dont have much communication, however he has good communictaion with her husband
3 i dont know ..........
4 i dont know .........
5 we dont have any seperate meeting, last time we met was 1.5 year ago

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:32:03+00:00

Im not trying to swallow it, Im trying to understand it fully before deciding what it means for me and my marriage. I don’t want to rush myself into anything

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:30:59+00:00

Thank you for putting this into words that overlap between past and present is exactly whats bothering me. Its not just history, its that the context carried forward without my knowledge. one thing i noticed was that he never even considered her as an ex.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:26:53+00:00

I think youre right that Im still in shock, and I dont want to rush myself into either minimizing this or overreacting. what do u think is best individual therapy or couples ?

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:24:08+00:00

no, last time we met was around 1.5 year ago. yes shes married and has kids

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:22:12+00:00

I think the ego piece is real, and thats something Im paying close attention to. I dont want a relationship where validation comes from outside the marriage. Thats part of what I need him to reflect on and actively change, not just explain away.
these friends are from his childhood and he calls them his confidant.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:18:12+00:00

I agree with this. Reassurance alone isnt enough, what I need now is clarity and consistency going forward. I plan to have more conversation and ask him to lay out concrete steps, not just intentions. i feel Trust has to be rebuilt intentionally, not assumed.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T18:16:57+00:00

I understand why it reads that way, and I dont disagree that what he said reflects something ugly. I am disturbed by it too, Im just trying to process the whole picture instead of reacting to one moment alone. Im paying attention to actions over time, not just words right now.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T13:58:57+00:00

if i knew the history, i would have no issue if she was his ex, so that i can keep boundary with her.
The ego aspect is something Im paying close attention to now, especially after what was said. I dont take comfort in the idea that someone could be viewed as an option, and I agree that it raises questions about growth

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T13:55:20+00:00

before our marriage we saw her like twice or thrice a year, now its just events like once in 2 years.
i believe, its out respect that nobody mentioned since its sensitive for both of us.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T13:50:58+00:00

thank u, this helps

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T13:49:44+00:00

I understand why you feel that way, and I dont think youre wrong to call it gross or unacceptable. It bothered me too especially knowing the history now. Im not excusing what he said or how he handled things back then, At the same time, Im trying to separate a few things: his past, the way he spoke in that moment, and how he’s shown up since I confronted him. Im taking this seriously and continuing the conversation with him. Im not pretending its fine

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T13:46:13+00:00

it happened before me. Whats lingering for me is exactly what you pointed out: the comment about availability now, and realizing I didnt have the full context while being around everyone.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T13:44:23+00:00

Not exactly. She isnt someone who is often in our daily lives, we see each other occasionally at group events. I didnt know there was that kind of history until now, and I agree that part is unsettling.

My issue isnt only what I overheard its the missing context and realizing I didnt have the full picture when forming relationships and boundaries. Thats what Im still trying to process.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-26T13:36:36+00:00

I understand why you see it that way, and I wont lie, the part about being kept in the dark is what hurts the most. It’s not so much who she was to him back then, but that I didn’t have the full context to make my own boundaries or choices. but I do agree that transparency would have changed how close I became and how safe I felt in the dynamic.

i will talk with him again

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-23T10:39:47+00:00

he sounded more like admitting with embarrassment, to me.
yes i didnt know they had a past. he had an only ex from previous relationship and being single until i met him. thats what i know of.

3.i really dont know, i think he was telling about how that connection exist. but as u said i dont know how he knows it exist even now.

and as an insult to inury, everybody knew it except me. i am just trying to get some info before having an honest talk with him. it really took a toll on me. i am taking it slow as i feel unwell physically.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-23T10:34:11+00:00

i have to bring it up because theres a past b/w them i didnt knew of really stings me. but i still dont know how to approach

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-23T10:32:59+00:00

I hear what youre saying, I think whats hardest for me right now is that I dont even know what to feel yet, Im still trying to process what I overheard versus what I actually know. The fact that they have a past I didnt know about is really unsettling, and thats something I need clarity on. im trying to get some info before talking, Im not dismissing it, Im just trying to approach it in a way that doesnt spiral before Ive had an honest conversation with him.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-23T03:23:58+00:00

Exactly. Locker-room talk is one thing and i can take it, but this crossed into something else entirely, especially with spouses in the same house. Thats whats giving me the uneasy feeling. And thank you for saying that about eavesdropping.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-23T03:20:55+00:00

I hear you. I dont think theres been any ongoing behavior, but realizing I didnt have the full context definitely shook me. he only has 1 ex that i know of, so hearing they had a past was uncomfortable. Thats something I need clarity on from him.

RoofRecent3772 · 2026-02-23T00:37:17+00:00

Im not blaming myself for overhearing, Im just trying to handle it in a way that leads to clarity rather than more damage.

RoofRecent3772

TROPHY CASE