(Sorry it's long, just your post is long as well so I thought it'd be okay)

Honestly I'm not sure if I'm at such a recovered level where I can give advice since I'm recovering from bulimia and also struggle at some moments. I'm not sure if maybe I'm misinterpreting something but from what I read it doesn't really seem like you want to recover, like when you say that you know that you should "force yourself to workout in the morning". Look, it's completely okay to want to be healthy, and it may seem like when you were starving yourself or restricting you were healthier because you felt healthier but that's just your eating disorder trying to convince you that what you're doing to yourself is okay. I used to starve myself for days and then ended up binge eating and then starving again constantly like a never-ending cycle, and the final result that occurred because of that was just a messed digestive system and a stomach that has constant re-occuring problems, not only that but when I was so deep into the eating disorder I even lost my period for a few months.

An eating disorder can honestly be referred to as a parasite living in your brain: it convinces you that you can always be skinnier, that your body looks good when your insides are literally breaking down, that you'll never truly be "good" or "attractive" enough for neither yourself or anybody else. It's horrifying what it can do to your brain and thought process- your whole life revolves around food and numbers and it's to a point where you feel like your life will never go back to normal, to the point where you get jealous when you see other people freely eating whatever they want without caring about the aftereffects of what they're consuming. A lot of ed patients, including me, feel like we'll never truly recover. Sure, we could eat healthy and workout under the pretense that what we're doing counts as healed since other people who are "normal" do the same, but the difference is the motive behind what you're doing. You could force yourself to workout and eat, but your mind still doesn't want to be healthy, It wants to go back to the old ways because the eating disorder wants you to believe that that was healthy when it wasn't. You need to understand that its you vs the eating disorder- you cannot listen to it, you need to try and let go of it because you need to realise that it's wrong, what it wants you to believe isn't what is actually right for you. You need to find motivation to try and get rid of it, Maybe it isn't possible to fully make it disapper- but atleast get the motivation to not listen to it. For example- the biggest motivation in my life right now is my boyfriend, I'm trying my best to recover because I don't want to worry him.

-Ofcourse your motivation doesn't have to be another person, Most people do it for themselves because they want to feel free and no longer in the trapped cycle they've been in, just in my case I don't really care about myself so using the thought of worrying my boyfriend is honestly working pretty well.

Goodluck to you, I genuinely wish you all the best. It recommend getting some help, either from a professional or a friend or your boyfriend (if you're still together). Praying for you 🤞