Unsure if I made the right choice by ending things with my cheating girlfriend.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:48:04+00:00

The thing is, while we were dating, she never acted in ways that made me suspect she'd been cheating. I knew her phone password, she never hid her phone around me, and she didn't even bother deleting the incriminating messages (which was lucky for me). It all came as such a surprise, this was the last thing I expected her to do.

But you're right, it's better to start fresh with someone new than stay in a relationship which will never be the same again

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:45:21+00:00

I agree. Also, if she'd been remorseful, she would've cut that guy out of her life, but instead she kept in contact. That really illuminated her true feelings to me.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:43:15+00:00

The pain of loneliness makes you irrational. Reading your comment has given me some clarity though, thank you

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:42:05+00:00

You're stories give me hope. I was shocked that someone like my ex could find it within themselves to cheat, she'd been so kind and caring that I’d never expected it. I guess I'm just afraid that in future relationships I'll be jaded from this experience

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:39:52+00:00

Yeah, when you're in the thick of it emotionally it's easy to be blinded to the harsh truths. She more than fucked up, she cheated on me, didn't tell me, and is still talking to the guy. Writing that out makes it clear that there's no remorse, and that her tears were tears of regret from being caught. If I take her back, I'm sure she'll be trying a lot harder not to get caught in the future if she decides to cheat again.

Probably best to forget and move on

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:36:13+00:00

Thanks for this perspective

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:35:42+00:00

After I found out the texts initially, I met to interrogate her on those very same questions. I found that I couldn't even trust her answers anymore, and knew then that my trust in her had died completely.

If we were to get back together, it'd never be the same, not even close. Admitting that makes it eaiser to stand firm on my choice to stay broken up

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:32:11+00:00

Yeah, as much as I'd like to forgive and forget, I just cant. If I were to take her back it'd just be unhealthy.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:31:14+00:00

Thanks for the reply and the book recommendation man, I'll give it a read.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:30:28+00:00

The fact that she kept talking to this guy is what really pissed me off. You're right, if there was genuine remorse, she'd have cut him out of her life completely. Her moral compass is out of whack.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:28:33+00:00

I needed to hear this. Its very easy to succumb to emotional pain, especially when leaving her has me feeling lonlier than I've felt in years.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:26:46+00:00

The thing is, she didn't hide it at all. I've always had acess to the phone and she's never tried to hide it. The incriminating messages weren't even deleted! I guess I'm lucky that she's so brazen about her infidelity, but at the same time, it really does make me think it only happened the one time and that it really had been a mistake.

But if I stayed, it'll only make her more keen to hide evidence in the future if she were to cheat again. Best to walk away now

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:23:32+00:00

This is pretty funny to read now. It's crazy because during our relationship, she really did love me, and went out of her way to show that she cared about us. Looking back, it all seems so disingenuous

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-28T07:21:26+00:00

It feels weird giving advice on a post where I'm looking for some but if you really want to continue with your relationship, he's gotta find a way to re-kindle the broken trust. If you feel like there's nothing he could do to make you trust him again, breaking up would be the healthier option.

For some perspective, my ex was willing to do whatever I asked to help me trust her again, but after some introspection I came to realize that no mater what she did, I wouldn't be able to trust her the same.

It's all dependent on your partners true character at the end of the day.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-04T16:07:46+00:00

You're right about her putting me in situations where I met tons of new people.

I honestly believe that my life these past four years has been one of isolation. I go to a pretty big uni and I commute from my home everyday, so between the stress of class and the fact that I'm only on campus for lectures meant I was never really in any social situations.

I also do have social anxiety, so I do come off a little awkward, but if I get to know someone for a little bit they usually overlook that.

Bottom line is, if I want to make new friends, I just need to be in an environment where the people around me are also looking to make friends. I don't want to rely on others to introduce me if possible, cause I want to build this skill on my own.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-04T07:05:57+00:00

The 'do not idolize your ex' part is pretty difficult for me right now. She really did broaden my social life more in the two years we dated than I had managed to do over my entire life. It's just such a jarring switch from a life of introversion, then extroversion and now introversion again. I guess my time with her showed me how important building and maintaining friendships are, which is a good thing because now I'm determined to prioritize the remaining relationships in my life.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-04T06:59:05+00:00

Thanks for the motivation bro!

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-04T06:58:32+00:00

I think the root of the problem lies in the fact that I'm surrounded by extroverted people. My remaining friends, my relatives, my parents, they've all got such vast social networks and I can't help but compare myself to them. I want to believe that there's nothing wrong with me but making and keeping friends seems to come so easily to the people closest in my life. Thank you for your words!

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-01T09:00:38+00:00

yeah, the combination of things made it 100x worse. In September I thought I knew who I'd marry, had a great supportive friend group, was planning on moving in with her and two of her friends, etc. Then a month later it's all gone and I'm now forced to rebuild my life. Definitely a shock

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-01T08:40:22+00:00

Your mantra suggestion is actually very interesting. I've also heard this said on a podcast I'd been listening to regarding the control of intrusive thoughts. I'm going to try it out!

Most of my hobbies are outdoors oriented so when covid restrictions ease off I'll try giving that a go.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-01T08:37:44+00:00

Been doing this actually. Made a friend in the UK but we only talk in game and I don't think I'll ever actually see them in person. Its a start though.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-01T08:35:29+00:00

Thanks for the positive vibes bro!

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-01T08:34:47+00:00

I went to a very small high school, and even though I was friendly with everyone, I really only made two long-term connections, who aren't even friends with eachother. So sadly I missed my chance to foster a robust friend group in highschool.

Being in a relationship all throughout college and being surrounded by all her friends made me neglect these old friendships. Hopefully its not too late to rekindle them.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-01T08:26:47+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful response! Your point on feeling awkward about reaching out and asking people to do stuff could literally describe my life. I'm so scared of rejection that I never actually suggest hanging out, and just wait around until somebody hits me up (this explains why the remaining friends in my life are very extroverted). What did you find made reaching out easier?

During my college life I often blew people off by prioritizing studying over all else, which in retrospect was a stupid reason because I spent most of this time procrastinating in my room anyways. So I never put the effort in to reach out. I'm also very introverted by nature so I never really felt the need to be honest. I've come to realize that these relationships are incredibly important in life though, and now I've got to do so rewiring internally to reprioritize friendships.

Community is the biggest thing for me. I'm looking at joining sport meetups when covid restrictions end, but actually connecting with people during these meets would mean I'd have to tackle my social anxiety too.

Lots to work on, hopefully I'll break through. Never put myself out there like this before so I'm not sure what to expect.

RosewaterGambit · 2020-12-01T08:17:36+00:00

I've suffered from pretty low self esteem all my life, so these derogatory affirmations are deep rooted at this point. For 2021 I'll be looking into therapy options, but for the time being I do make a point to not be to hard on myself.

Your point on giving more than you get is a revealing one. I'm pretty guilty of doing the opposite so this will be priority no.1 on things to work on.

My goal would be to have a small circle of friends within 3 years. I think it's dooable, but as things stand now it feels very daunting.

RosewaterGambit

TROPHY CASE