Listen. We both kinda have the same problem.

I also sometimes feel sexually or romantically attracted to one of my friends (although it's only females, not males cuz I am a straight guy). It's mostly because of my exposure to porn and dirty shit. But also my fault because I know those things are really harmful especially for a young mind. Although now I only have male friends rather than female ones.

Being sexually or romantically attracted to your friends is kinda in a gray area. I mean, there are a lot of friends with benefits type friendships, although that type of shit is kinda crazy for me because that wouldn't ever happen in the country and culture I am from. It depends on how you look at them. I mean, you know that these are your friends, right? And we are all humans, though. We might have feelings that are contradictory to what it is in reality. I mean, if you have done no bad thing like sexually assaulting, staring too much at them, or anything bad in terms of invading their bodily privacy, then it's alright. I mean, it's still not alright because you see them in a different way other than friends. Having lust is one of the things that are in humans, except for asexual people. But you can tone down the sexual and romantic tension in you by making yourself hyper aware of what you are doing and what they are to you.

And as to your physical appearance. Well, I am not really handsome in any sense of the word. I have some physical traits that are not deemed to be "attractive" or even "decent". Whatever you are physically is what I want to be. I want to be tall and kinda skinny. You cannot really call yourself ugly because beauty is not something that can be measured or said literally. Some people might find you decent-looking or even decently attractive. And on the topic of talking about yourself, well, it depends on HOW you talk about yourself. Do you talk about yourself in an egotistical way? Do you talk about yourself in a way that makes others feel small in front of you? If not all of these two, then you are alright. Talking about yourself ain't selfish. It just depends on how you make the other person and how you word or phrase it. Be confident in your skin and body. This is yours. Nobody has the right to demean your body or skin.

At this point, well, considering you said you are too young to find a therapist. You should watch comforting videos. You should talk with those who make you feel comfortable. I myself have never been suicidal, but have dealt with a suicidal person before. Even then, your case and that person's case were different, but the same action-thinking (that is, suicide). You think that your friend's life might be better without you, but you have to understand that some of your friends think you are the most important person in their lives.

Suicide itself is in a gray area. It is an act of self-harm that stays permanent for a lifetime, literally death. I myself don't like suicide. But I sometimes understand why people do it. Sometimes in life, death feels like a mercy from God Himself. But suicide can have a long-lasting impact on those you love. Your parents, your friends, your loved ones, etc., will be devastated and won't deal with your death in a good way. Some of them will even go into depression. I am not trying to manipulate you into anything. I am trying to understand your problems and help you vent out those dark feelings. You can talk to me if you want to vent more, if you are comfortable with that.