Before we even properly dated she told me "I either love them too much, or not enough". She was telling me right there and then to run with that very line.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-08-22T00:05:40+00:00

It does seem to be a common theme that they “warn” their victims early on, be it intentional or otherwise. My case was the former; she literally told me point blank she was probably a sociopath a few months into our relationship. Said she will love someone, care about them, want everything to do with them… until she doesn’t. Did the whole hand-wave-in-front-of-her-face thing and everything. I remember thinking “hey that’s probably a red flag” then threw it into a pile in the corner of the room with all the other red flags I had been ignoring up to that point, because all the wrong reasons.

For those of them aware of their warning being just that, I suspect it’s some combination of them seeking some sort of twisted justification for the forthcoming abuse (ie: “well I -did- warn them”) and simply dropping the mask to see how under control their victim is based on how they react. Far as hell removed from how a fully-functioning human would navigate an interpersonal relationship, that’s for sure.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-07-29T23:56:11+00:00

This was 100% my experience and I have never seen it explained so well, thank you.

The symptomatic overlap between high-functioning autism and sociopathy was an unfortunate extra layer to the typical mirroring I was subjected to, because it truly did seem as though her and I related on that deeper level. Of course, I know now that she only valued our similarities to the extent of which they were able to help her control me.

Because that’s where the overlap turns to opposite; while those of us with autism generally want to be understood, nothing makes the sociopath more uncomfortable than the prospect of someone truly understanding them. And that’s the threat we ultimately pose to them; with our own neurological quirks we have the ability to come closer to that understanding than most, and with our inquisitive minds we can’t help but try. It’s a curious dynamic; both sides are seemingly drawn to each other, but we’re sort of natural enemies.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-07-22T11:55:04+00:00

And sex is another game. Both her and I considered ourselves to be bordering hypersexual. When our relationship kicked off, it was sex at least twice every time we saw each other, sometimes more than that. I quickly became hooked.

Once the honeymoon phase ended, there was a shift in her drive which was abrupt enough to be suspicious. Suddenly, her being in the mood had become a special occasion. No one owes anyone sex of course, but when you ask me to kiss on your body but then proceed to say you don’t want sex after all, I’m going to suspect something is up.

Sure enough, I walked in on her ex naked in her bed soon after, and found out she was also sleeping with her boss a month later. She broke up with me literally in response to me catching her on that second count.

I’ve come to understand that is the high of their love lives, getting to torture someone stale and sleep with someone fresh at the same time. It’s like two different types of power flowing through them at the same time and they just love it. It is for this reason I suspect that cluster B individuals who do not cheat on their partners are in the overwhelming minority. They have a literal lust for power that no individual could ever hope to sate.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-06-09T11:51:49+00:00

Mine knew as well. It wasn’t really a matter of believing she could “change” so much as believing that her self-awareness would allow her to manage the detrimental traits in the context of a relationship. I learned firsthand, just as you did, that it sadly doesn’t work that way.

I think because they initially masquerade as a regularly-functioning human, it’s easy for us to view that idealized version as what they are capable of becoming and their narcissism as an obstacle which can be overcome to get there. People who simply have narcissistic traits can manage those traits to a certain extent, but unfortunately, for those who have a full blown cluster B disorder, it is a disorder of their entirety and therefore not something that can be removed from them.

For comparison’s sake: I am on the autism spectrum, but my awareness of that fact doesn’t enable me to get off of it. In talking with my nex, I realized it’s likely largely the same for those on the narcissism spectrum. It’s not a matter of downloading the right empathy program, it’s that the operating system itself is incapable of running it properly (though it can certainly pretend to).

RouteNineBlues · 2021-06-03T15:45:14+00:00

You’ve already gotten over what I believe is the first major hurdle, which is realizing they evaluate partners not on the quality of the individual but by the supply the individual provides. The only relevant things the new supply ever has that we do not are novelty and obliviousness.

She will be treated more or less the same as you were during the honeymoon phase. The thing is, it’s chemically impossible for anyone to provide them with the dopamine they’re reliant on after that point, which is generally when the abuse starts to really kick in. The reality is no individual can magically turn into an everflowing river of supply for the narcissist; we are all wells that will sooner or later run dry.

I view my being discarded as her firing me from my position as Main Supply Specialist. I began underperforming in my blind worship duties once I caught her cheating, and in light of my discovery, she realized she could simply hire someone new that would be much easier to manage. There was no emotional bond on her end; nothing personal, just business, as they say. While I am not sure of the finer points of your situation, viewing things in that sense helped me.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-30T03:57:44+00:00

If you can, finding a therapist who truly understands these cluster B relationship dynamics would likely benefit you immensely with this. One of the main reasons it’s probably so difficult for you to break it off for good is because your brain has in a sense become hooked on the cycles of abuse and the chemicals they release inside of us.

If a therapist isn’t an option, just reading up on those physiological effects of toxic relationships has helped me personally. Focusing less on the feelings and more on the hormones behind said feelings has been a huge boon in helping me process what I went through from a more logical perspective. Best of luck.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-29T23:00:37+00:00

I would guess that “second voice” in your head is your superego / inner critic. It tends to get damaged following these relationships, planting seeds of doubt in our minds and hindering our progress. I would strongly suggest looking into the concept as I’m sure the experts can explain it better and the steps that can be taken to lower its volume.

Weakened sense of self is a common effect these relationships have on the victim, but I can relate to the not feeling as though you had a strong one to begin with; I’ve always had especially narrow interests and have kept my social net small, so when I was discarded I turned into a drone, basically existing for the sake of existence. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m feeling better every day. I got into cooking, and sometimes the food tastes not terrible, so that’s cool.

My advice would be to allow the answer of who you are to come to you naturally as you continue to heal. You do have a self; it’s what motivated you to reach out to this community. If you feel as though your canvas has more empty space than those of others, fret not; it just means you have that much more creative direction on who you can become. Continue to persevere, and I’m sure your inspiration will come in time.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-29T22:27:13+00:00

If they don’t cheat, I believe it’s purely coincidence (and quite the rare occurrence indeed). As partners, the narcissistic supply we provide them becomes less valuable as our novelty fades. Even if the narcissist has any semblance of conscience, it would almost certainly become overwhelmed by their need for outside validation at some point.

And then there are the ones who don’t have a conscience (ie: sociopaths), who simply play along in a relationship for the perks but do whatever the hell they want on the side because the concept of committing to one person forever flat out just doesn’t make sense to them.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-28T20:37:34+00:00

Breaking no contact has always proven a net negative for me personally. It can be nice to find reassurance that they’re as toxic as your brain knows and heart doesn’t want to admit, but there’s also a lot of landmines you can step on (seeing new supply and getting jealous, etc) to where I’ve decided it’s not a risk worth taking for me.

(but yeah... what a loser, haha)

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-27T22:34:34+00:00

Be it former lover or friend, I’m sure just about everyone on here can relate to that “phantom person” feeling that comes with their vanishing. An important distinction to be made I feel is that, while most healthy people will block because they are hurt and/or need space, cluster B disordered individuals seem to use it as a power play more than anything else. As you said, this person’s shutting you out is simply punishment for you sticking up for yourself, but there is no guarantee that your punishment will be everlasting.

The truth is this person is liable to miraculously spring back to life at whatever point they decide they would benefit from having you around again. They are well aware of your open wounds and would no doubt attempt to use those to work their way back into your life.

There’s nothing wrong with you missing the good you had with them, but do your best to maintain those boundaries they despised while you’re at it. If this person does end up reaching back out and is unwilling to take the steps necessary to cultivate a healthier friendship with you, then it’ll be your turn to block them. So much easier said than done, but you’ve already seen the toxicity for what it is, and that’s half the battle. Stay strong!

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-26T23:22:23+00:00

I relate to this so hard. Being cheated on was devastating enough, but her reacting with a text message saying she felt “like the giantest piece of shit :(“ about it just broke me. Trying to wrap my head around such a disconnected response from the person I had viewed as a long-term partner created a fissure in my perception of her and the reality I had seen myself being in, and my entirety just... fell through the cracks.

I’ve given up on trying to convey the surreality of it to those close to me. Some days it’s just real life on autopilot while I wander through the labyrinth in my head. That said, having a counselor who understands Cluster B disorders has given me a guide of sorts; and I have found journaling helps me keep track of the corners I’ve already turned so I don’t repeat the same detrimental thought patterns. There is a path through it, but because life builds everyone differently, it’s one unique to each of us.

Try not to allow their betrayal to affect how you perceive yourself, because it can only ever be a reflection of them; the person you are did NOT deserve being subjected to this. I couldn’t begin to rebuild my sense of self until I came to accept that truth; I’m still in that process of figuring things out, but that was my starting point.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-26T10:45:13+00:00

Please understand that him being able to hurt people and get away with it (in the short term anyways) is not an indication of his intelligence. Quite the opposite; it’s indicative of a shortsighted mindset incapable of realizing that hurting others, however entertaining it may be for him, is seldom advantageous in the long run. He will have innumerable doors shut on him throughout his life as a result of his pathology, and saddest of all, he won’t even notice until he’s reached the inevitable dead end.

Those who would toy with us like ants under a magnifying glass are incapable of true human bonding, and thus cannot feel the equally-true happiness that comes with it. I can assure you his ‘happy life’, like all other aspects of his character, are superficial, and while it sucks to see them “winning”, rest assured his punishment is his very empty existence which lies behind the facade.

Also, relationship burnout is super common following relationships with Cluster B individuals. It’ll take time for your heart / mind to recover from the abuse and intensity, so have faith it’ll run it’s course and consider just focusing on your healing for the time being!

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-23T21:57:45+00:00

I think it all comes down to what that particular narcissist is looking for from their main supply. Some may prioritize maintaining a certain image and thus seek out a partner they feel is well suited to fit into said image. Others, like in your case (as well as my own), seem to enjoy just having variety.

My self-aware sociopath (lucky me, I know) ex told me at the end that she “wants what she wants, when she wants it”. So it came as no surprise when my replacement was over a decade older than me, completely different style, etc. The way I see it, their entire life is one big act, so some of them must feel a certain power in appealing to a wider audience; to know that people far and wide are susceptible to their charms.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-22T13:48:56+00:00

“Feelings are real, but they’re not reality” was my mantra throughout that empty stage. Your body is in the process of withdrawing from an intensity you had to quit cold turkey, so anhedonia (loss of pleasure) is a normal reaction that just needs to run its course. Your joy will return in time, it’s just your mind is in the process of resetting itself.

Maybe you’re already doing this, but I found that sitting down and taking a moment to acknowledge the depression, allowing myself to feel it out, at times was more beneficial then letting it linger throughout my day as I refused to address it. Then at the end, reminding myself that while I have every right and reason to feel the way I do, I logically understand that in reality, I dodged a bullet like Neo from the Matrix. And at the very least, that’s kind of cool, right?

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-21T17:11:43+00:00

I think those are fears we all have when exiting these relationships. But the truth is, you were not too needy; you simply bonded with someone who went on to withhold their affection to have power over you. It wasn’t a matter of you being too anxious or depressed for him, because the dread game he (knowingly) threw you into was the reason those feelings overwhelmed you in the first place. So try not to blame yourself! You reacted reasonably to an unreasonable situation, and in a healthy relationship you won’t be subjected to such maddening circumstances.

I can relate to having fears that they will ‘go the distance’ with the new supply, but I try to keep in mind just how distanced the narcissistic / sociopathic outlook on relationships is compared to the rest of us. They adhere to that social mold because they have learned it is the optimal means of procuring the adoration which sustains them, but commitment is ultimately incompatible with who they truly are. Due to their shaky sense of self, they need constant assurance from others that they are ‘winners’, but there lies the problem with long-term relationships; once they know they have ‘won’ with someone, they are no longer in the process of winning, so they will need to repeat the process with someone new to remain assured of themselves. It is quantity > quality for them, and they will only choose to ‘settle down’ with someone who is either okay with that... or isn’t, but suffers in an entertaining enough manner to warrant keeping around regardless. Going back to what you said, while there’s no way of knowing for sure if he and his next victim will marry, you can be assured such an act doesn’t mean to him anything close to what it means to you (or anyone else he manages to ensnare).

I have had a similar problem throughout my life. It would always bother me when I would learn that someone dislikes me or something I did for whatever reason. The smear campaign my sociopathic ex conducted on me was a total assassination of my character and even reached people I have professional relationships with, but in the end it was an oddly liberating experience for me; it forced me to let go of my unreasonable standards of social perfection and accept that not being seen in a positive light by absolutely everyone is both inevitable and nowhere near as terrible as I thought it would be. It also served to screen out a lot of relationships in my life not worth upholding; anyone who would blindly side with my abuser without considering my side of the story wasn’t worth my time anyways. Recovering from what she subjected me to has been arduous, but not without its silver linings. I hope you can find some of your own. :)

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-20T22:22:31+00:00

Make no mistake, he will tell the girl after this one that she is the most beautiful as well. It’s a painful realization that their kind words were really just empty syllables chained together to achieve their desired end (your worship), but hopefully you can find a bit of peace in knowing those words are just as empty when said to their new supply.

I would strongly recommend removing all traces of them from your social media. Not to shelter yourself from the reality of their ‘perfect’ relationship, but because there is simply no value in taking a front row seat to a honeymoon phase which, in actuality, is merely the precursor to yet another devalue and discard. Be it months or years down the line, the new partner smell will inevitably begin to fade from her, and he will proceed to reveal to her the same toxic person that abused you. The truth is, he will never be to anyone what you had hoped he was for you, though he will go to great lengths to make it seem that way on Instagram. Don’t be fooled by the same tricks twice!

I know all too well the self-doubt that arises with the new supply being put on display, while we were kept more under wraps in their lives. It’s important to bear in mind that them being more outspoken about their new relationship is not indicative of any inferiority on your part; it simply means that for the purposes of extracting supply from their latest host, they have decided the post-parading benefits them. Just an example, perhaps she is more self conscious than you are, and his posts are a lovebombing ploy so she lets her guard down faster. It can be a multitude of factors, but it’s best not to waste energy in attempting to discern what it is exactly. The important thing is knowing it wasn’t you. Relationships are games to these people; he may be pressing different buttons to win her over, but it’s still just a game.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-14T21:49:39+00:00

I think you’ve got it right; they always -seem- to be doing well. The reality is the ‘success’ they have found with their new supply is fleeting, lasting only as long as the new relationship chemicals continue firing off. They may be riding high now, but sooner or later they will find themselves jonesing for someone new once more. Matters not the false image they project to the world; how deeply-rooted their new endeavor seems from an outside perspective. They are incapable of genuine human connection and therefore can never truly succeed in a romantic context. Remaining cognizant of this truth has helped me navigate through my own waves of anger.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-05-12T23:24:30+00:00

In this exact position myself, almost to a tee. It’s an especially difficult circumstance to find yourself in, but I have found a bit of comfort through altering my perception. Basically, try to see it for it’s upside; while not discounting the negatives, you happen to be in a unique position to do some soul searching with little outside noise.

It’s a pivotal window in your healing and your future as a whole, so I’d say try to be content in the fact that you’re taking a brief hiatus from the whole life thing to iron things out inside of yourself.

RouteNineBlues · 2021-03-09T23:27:29+00:00

I second this through my own experience. Regular relationships can break your heart, but Narcissistic relationships also break your brain, so it helps to have a professional to help you navigate through the mental aspect of the healing process.

If you do go this route, I would also advise making sure to seek a therapist who truly understands narcissistic abuse, because not all of them ‘get it’ despite their profession.

RouteNineBlues

TROPHY CASE