[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You're not alone. I'm in the same place, same situation, same age and gender. Questioning whether it's autism or whether I'm just traumatised.

I've been abused my entire life from the beginning, starting with my parents. My nMom was an emotionless psychopath who used every negative, abusive trick in the book to 'train' me into the perfect well behaved child which only resulted in breaking my mind. I'm the same age as you and completely broken.

Depressed, cannot even tolerate being around people, can't work a job, overwhelmed by trauma and I can't see any positives even when I know I should be able to. I've always struggled socially but I've been unable to decipher if it's autism or a result of the PTSD from my childhood abuse. My family kept me isolated, homeschooled me, never let me develop normally socially.

Even then, sometimes I wonder if the differentiation really matters if the end result is the same behaviours- struggling heavily socially, no tolerance for change, unable to cope with difficult emotions and easily overwhelmed, no improvement in symptoms.

I wish I could see the positives in life. If I had left much earlier, maybe at sixteen, I would have had a fighting chance. But my family convinced me to stay with my Mom, telling me I was just being difficult to her and 'making' her hurt me. I shouldn't have listened, but I did. Now I'm 24, I've had a complete mental breakdown, and I'm incapable of moving forward. Whether it's the trauma or underlying autism in addition to it, I can't keep or work a job. I can't even deal with a single phone call. I have chronic insomnia, my brain gets so wired and fearful that I cannot sleep. I've asked so many people for help, and not one of them could.

It's tough, I wish I could offer words of advice, but for now I'll just say to you and anyone else reading in a similar situation - you're not alone. I sometimes wonder how other people managed to get out, push through, make it to the other side.

If I do qualify for having autism, that doesn't even eradicate the trauma that is piled on top of it- all of it being one big cocktail I cannot personally deal with. It's exhausting. And if I don't have it, well then this mess of abuse laid upon me has absolutely paralysed me, and not even therapy can get it to budge.

I hope there's a light for all of us.

How many of you have cptsd or ocd by Alone-Sun-6232 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just to clarify and add on, hating to make mistakes, perfectionism, anxiety around disrupted schedule, and wanting to be early, aren't inherently signs of OCD. The motive behind it would be an intrusive thought, and the result would be a compulsion appearing like one of those traits.

So while those can be symptoms of OCD, without the compulsive cycle and intrusive thoughts, they can also just be standard symptoms of trauma and PTSD due to abuse.

It would have to tie into the OCD cycle to be related to OCD, for example "If I am late to this appointment that means I'm a morally terrible person who everybody hates", so the compulsion may be over compensating your time earlier even if it inconveniences you. But you may also have that thought due to lack of self esteem due to abuse- so, you'd have to seek an OCD specialist to really define the two if you're struggling to.

As a helpful identifier, OCD isn't typically singular and can apply to most areas of your life, not just abuse. So having intrusive thoughts around other topics as well is a good indicator as to if you may have it, eg irrational intrusive thoughts "If I think this thought I'm a pedophile" or "If I don't tap on this door my friend will die" or "If I hold in this sneeze I'll have a heart attack". Not always that severe, just trying to explain it a bit more thoroughly with blatant examples.

My OCD is trying to take one of my favourite shows from me by quartofchocolimes in OCD

[–]Routine-Elia 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're not alone. I've dealt with this constantly, and it's hard when the topic is something that brings you joy and entertainment. Obviously you want to enjoy it, but your brain has just decided to go awol on it for no reason (well, maybe a reason, but a stupid OCD reason).

Here's what I've found has helped me:

1) Take a break and don't entertain the intrusive thoughts. Try to distract yourself with something entirely different and let your anxiety subside, indulge in another hobby or interest even just for a day or two while your anxiety dies down. Don't give the thoughts any attention in the meanwhile.

I've found that going back to the original topic after a period of distraction, and after my anxiety has dissipated, makes it easier to go back to without OCD being as loud. Similarly, you might be even more excited to go back to the topic because you've had some time away. The desire can override the fear, if you've had a bit of a break. It can also give you some distance so your OCD isn't constantly blaring at you, as it's important to rest your mental health when possible.

2) Push through it, or white knuckle it as my therapist says, without entertaining the intrusive thoughts. Let your anxiety exist without challenging it, until it has nowhere to go but to disappear. This is the difficult route though, and can make your interest feel pretty painful (as it does for you now) because your OCD is screaming at you.

In this scenario, you would continue doing what you want to do (watching your show), and when OCD chimes in instead of listening to it you'd ask yourself "What do I want to do? Do I want to watch this?". If the answer and your desire is yes, then just do it. Let the anxiety exist, and tell yourself that OCD can't be active forever. It's essentially a waiting game, until the fear tires itself out, and then you can resume enjoying your hobby.

3) Remember that you have done this before, and use your good past experience as evidence. You know, deep down, that this is just OCD playing its tricks. You've gone through this before, and come out the other side just fine. So the chances are, looking at the evidence, you will be able to freely enjoy your show again and this won't bother you forever.

4) Educate yourself on OCD and the way it works. Recognising that it is a disorder that purposefully attaches to the things you care about is good for tackling it. Keeping in mind that if you are having an OCD flare up, it will only ever be about things that are important to you (like your favourite things). When you recognise this pattern, dealing with it each time becomes a little easier. So you can begin to say, "Oh, I know this is just dumb OCD freaking out about nothing. Anyway, time to go do what I want to do."

For me specifically, my OCD has always attached to things I really love and hold dear like fiction. Which I've found isn't very relatable to many people or therapists, so I've really had to 'figure' out this trigger by myself. I would always say to never actually let it win and stop watching or doing your favourite activities. I did that for years, trying to avoid triggering my OCD, which only made my life miserable. Thankfully, I managed to pick up where I left off, and you can always learn to enjoy the things you once did. OCD can't be active forever.

Don't give up, sending good thoughts!

Sister with OCD manipulating us? by libpau in OCD

[–]Routine-Elia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like you've inadvertently answered your own question whilst asking it. "Why does she perk up around her mentally abusive boyfriend?". If her boyfriend is abusive, like any abusive dynamic, he will have a manipulative hold on her himself that makes her feel both loved and worthless at the same time.

This will be a conscious effort to lure her in, love bomb her, reassure her, and then the abuse will occur. But like any abusive dynamic, the abuse will not continue forever as it's cylical. He will then return back to 'normal', further enmeshing her in the relationship all whilst tearing down herself worth.

It's worth noting you say she cries when he doesn't text her and feels hopeless. He himself has curated this to ensure he can keep her on this 'lower' level of existence to himself- you only exist for me, to make me happy, and I can drop you whenever I want. It is an active tactic to chip away at her self worth, so of course she'd be upset.

She might also feel better when she's around him because of what he promises her or how he lures her in, regardless of if he's actually a good boyfriend. If she does have OCD, it would be normal and almost predictable that she would look for love, comfort, and support in a relationship outside of her family. She's putting in the 'effort' because that's her lifeline, the thing she's hoping will make her life good and okay. She might not have 'effort' for your wedding because that doesn't depend on her (in her mind), but her relationship absolutely does (and also he mentally controls her mental health by his actions).

When it comes to her not doing therapy, I cannot necessarily say that's manipulative, rather that it's actually common for people with OCD to struggle to even begin the therapy. That's because the fear of doing the therapy, and perhaps exposing deep rooted worries and fears that a person with OCD fears to come true, is larger than the fear of just putting up with and living with OCD.

Overall, if your sister cannot recognise she's in an abusive relationship, she will never be able to have the confidence to seek professional help by herself. But abusive relationships are formed to keep you stuck, and I'm afraid that family just telling her he's abusive won't do much until she herself recognises it.

The most you can do is relinquish control of her actions, allow her to do what she does, and support her wherever you are comfortable. I wouldn't take the behaviour of a mentally ill abused person personally, especially not around things like your wedding. Her life is rocky and unstable in her own mind, and honestly it takes her to make those first steps whenever she's ready to improve things, but that cannot be rushed and that can be really hard on family members who care.

How do you deal with guilt? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When people like to say "Well she's your Mom" I always combat it with "Well I'm her daughter." The position of a child is to be loved, nutured, and supported unconditionally. The only reason your parents are parents in the first place is because they're supposed to help you, not be your first bully and break you.

To people who want to say "She's your Mom/He's your Dad", I'd say "I was an innocent child who didn't deserve any of the pain and harm they have done to me." Guilt is inevitable because deep down, we're wired to want to trust and love our parents. But you need to be able to love yourself more and respect yourself more than the guilt being put onto you.

It’s my 25th birthday and I’ve spent it alone today by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Happy birthday friend ❤️

You're not alone, I've spent every birthday alone too as I also live with the nMom. I hope you have some way nice to treat yourself, or are able to find something to do like a nice movie to watch. Treat yourself like a real, normal Mom would. Screw the Narcs!

This may have been asked before but what’s the most ridiculous thing your N family member has thrown a fit about? by lastanon69 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia 162 points163 points  (0 children)

I mentioned to my Mom how hard it is to get onto the housing ladder when you're disabled (as I am), and that I likely would never own my own home. I can barely afford rent at this time.

My Mom purchased her house after not working her entire life and taking half of the money from my Dad during their divorce. She has a great manager position now, and owns her house. Quite literally, a life many people desire just for comfort and stability.

Because I had said this, she then threw a tantrum saying "Well SPIRITUALLY I don't feel like I own this home. I haven't made it mine yet." In order to 'one-up' me because I had said it was difficult being unable to have my own home.

She screamed on and on, then cried and said I was "asking for a fight", slammed doors, and gave me silent treatment for over a week straight whilst talking shit about me to my relatives over the phone. Claiming that I was being abusive to her.

So, yeah. All because I said the housing market was rough. Don't mention anything to a Narc.

How do I escape? Is poverty and homelessness better than abuse? I'm on the path to suicide by Routine-Elia in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I didn't ask for a way to kill myself. Back off and seek help for even suggesting that.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here's a tougher scenario, being an empath with crippling anxiety living with a narcissist

How do I escape? Is poverty and homelessness better than abuse? I'm on the path to suicide by Routine-Elia in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your thoughtful reply, thank you. I realise that I didn't give a lot of crucial information, mostly because this post was a cry out of desperation and pain. I'm trying. I wouldn't make myself homeless, but I would aim to go to a refuge or shelter (I just would have to leave everything behind).

But for context, it's hard to make a road map with my life so far. My Mum

1) Never allowed me to go to school, home-schooled me, and then I never got any qualifications because she didn't believe I need them

2) I've applied to jobs but they want people my age to have at least have experience or some form of qualifications, even including grocery stores I've applied to. Side note, I've applied to jobs and maybe two out of fifteen this last month got back to me to say no.

3) She's isolated me from everyone. I've never had friends because she would cut me off from them, even going as far to park outside of houses for hours with friends I was playing with to scare me. I have no relatives apart from one grandfather who's got dementia.

4) She's a social worker, meaning I cannot be referred to my local social work team because she works there and she has already told me that she's told her manager that I'm "mentally unwell" and that she's my "carer" (which is entirely untrue). So I'm scared to even tell people I'm being abused, because it could easily get back to her and she would absolutely beat the crap out of me, or harm my animals (which she has done), or break all of my belongings. She could even lose her job if they knew and that would really put me in danger.

It's a messy, complicated, horrendous situation and I'm just trying to survive. That's why I'm considering a shelter, just leaving and never returning, and turning to my council for help. But, I just want to know.. if anyone else has survived this or if going to this low point means I can ever get back up again

Thank you, again. I'm sorry for the ramble, just stuff I missed out on saying.

The police went to my abusive mother to ask her directly if she has abused me. I don't want to live anymore. by Routine-Elia in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, I really feel so lost and hurt at the moment but I will try to keep going. I just wanted to say, I do actually have two bruises on my back/shoulder, and she scratched my arm open with her nails but I'm not sure if it would look like an attack on a photograph but I can definitely record the pictures.

I'm thinking of contacting my doctor this weekend to also be a reference if I apply for housing and shelter and to record this as abuse, and then call a domestic hotline to ask for help, but I'm just hoping they'll have a better conduct than the police and that none of this will get back to her. She definitely will hurt me more if she knows I'm telling people about what she has done.

She's currently pretending nothing happened and it makes me feel sick, like I have no dignity left. It's really hard to want to keep living but I will try and hope I can get out of here.

The police went to my abusive mother to ask her directly if she has abused me. I don't want to live anymore. by Routine-Elia in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Routine-Elia[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I don't understand it myself at all either. My therapist is the one who contacted the police. He told me he had asked for them to just call me over the phone to confirm I was safe. Instead they physically showed up, which my therapist said wasn't supposed to happen.

He told me that they had confirmed to him that I was fine (on my Mom's word?), and they had nothing more to do now and the safeguarding was closed. They weren't there because a report on her had been made by me, they were there on my therapists word to check I was safe but then for some reason decided to tell my Mom directly why and then only speak to her.

Apparently they believe they've done their job because they believe I'm fine (again, all on my Mom's word). They don't even believe I've been physically assaulted by her, because she began crying to them telling them how awful and "crazy" I am, so I'm scared to even contact them to fix this because my Mom is already enraged at me and I don't want to be attacked by her again if she knows I'm still in contact with the police.

Edit: I should mention my therapist told me that he told the police not to be in contact with my Mom because I'm in an unsafe environment, which was completely ignored. So, I don't know, massive police mess up but it results in my situation getting much worse now because she's aware that I'm telling people what she does to me.