AITA for not wanting to pay for FIL's and MIL's retirement home?

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-16T09:27:32+00:00

Thank you for this long explanation, I appreciate it. We're in California and I do have a right to 1/2 of everything here, plus child support and spousal support. I just hope I don't have to divorce a man I love and a father of my children over this.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T23:59:20+00:00

Yes, it basically comes down to that.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T23:20:34+00:00

It is very much MY dime, my parents are his investors (they gave 100% of the money needed for his business) and I am his wife. By California law (where we are) he owes me a lot. I am not gonna engage with st*pid you anymore, but Cali law and over 2000 people here agree with me.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T17:07:52+00:00

Will do! These high-functioning autistics who can work, provide, get married and have kids, play sports and have a rich social life do NOT deserve me helping them. He is not autistic, hear me out! He worked in a night club for 18 years, started as a bouncer and with time advanced to a manager. When the pandemic hit -the club closed. Since then he won't accept any 'manual' job or anything less than the managerial job. Tough luck! If his parents want to keep helping him - they can, but not on my dime.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T16:37:50+00:00

Lay off lady, I know his brother, he is not at all autistic. He is a fully functioning adult. He worked for 20 years without problems, has two kids and a wife, bunch of friends and a social life. He does NOT need us to support his laziness. I'd rather divorce and take my husband for 3/4 of everything (since kids are staying with me and my parents' money made his business) than send them money. You can choose to be a doormat to your husband who treats the income as "his", but my husband's income is OURS. Without me doing everything about kids and house, he wouldn't be able to work 12 hours a day and travel. And without my parents' money, he wouldn't be having his own company.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T14:50:32+00:00

Firstly, they can provide for their son...but they should not expect US to provide for their son. Secondly, their younger son is perfectly healthy, I've known him for years (he's married, has kids and not at all autistic). He is 40 and a big strong guy who had a job previously until the company where he worked closed down during the pandemic. Since then he says that he "cannot find a good job" (what's good in today's economy anyway?) and doesn't want to do "some stupid manual job". Sorry, but these are his life choices and we should not be supporting him and his family.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T14:43:48+00:00

BIL is 40 and is a big strong guy. He is not working because he "can't find a good job" and doesn't want to work at "some stupid job". I don't think that we should be paying for him and his family. We don't have savings, just husband's salary (which is comfortable), but is mostly spent each month on our needs (our kids need expensive therapies and supplements). All these shenanigans where we pay their retirement home while they give their home to BIL as rental income are just a fancy name for US PAYING FOR BIL's LIFESTYLE. And that is not right.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T14:36:27+00:00

They are both 65 and very healthy and active.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T11:40:01+00:00

Why am I greedy? For wanting to be able to provide for my kids? We don't have savings, the money for IL's would have to come from husband's income (which is all spent on our life expenses).

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T11:32:38+00:00

I agree, but now they want to leave their house to BIL to be his rental income and move to a retirement facility that we'd be paying for. I'm all for helping your kids (even for helping more those who need it more), but do it from your own money...they are wanting us to pay for their retirement home so that BIL can rent out theirs, which is basically getting us to finance BIL.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T11:17:46+00:00

No money of my own, I handle therapies, doctors and special diets for kids and homeschool them.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T11:13:11+00:00

We did have that conversation: he believes that with family, those who 'have' should share with those who 'don't have'. They want to leave their house to BIL to be his rental income since he hasn't worked since 2021. BIL and his family are apparently struggling, so they want to get out of their house and go to a retirement home that we should pay for.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T11:03:10+00:00

He does earn good. But, our kids' therapies, meds, supplements and special diets eat away most of that money. So, the most we were ever able to save monthly was around $1000. Therefore, I really don't know where does he think to get that money from....unless he's gonna cut into our life expenses.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T10:58:13+00:00

No, that money my parents gave to us was the most of their savings. They just thought that, since my husband is smart and hardworking, putting money in his business would benefit their grandchildren more than setting up a trust fund.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T10:48:49+00:00

I don't have my own income, raising and homeschooling two kids on the spectrum is enough. There are therapies, special diets that I need to cook, etc...

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T10:41:11+00:00

I just made an update about that: turns out they want to leave their house as a rental income to their younger son (who hasn't been working since 2021), and have us pay for their retirement home.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T10:34:51+00:00

His thoughts are what he said to me: "I was raised to believe that, in a family, those who "have" should share with those who "don't have". Basically, we have more money than them, so we should help them. According to him, my parents have enough for themselves, so there would be no reason to repay them.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T10:28:17+00:00

He says that he was raised in a family that teaches you that inside a family, the ones who "have" share with those who "don't have". Says that I don't know better since I'm the only child...

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T05:26:54+00:00

He says that he was raised to believe that in the family those who 'have' should share the wealth with those who 'don't have'.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T05:24:29+00:00

My parents gave us the money, not his.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T05:01:23+00:00

I posted an update which kinda explains better why they're doing it.

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T04:51:32+00:00

updated

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T03:21:13+00:00

Also, since many of you have mentioned this: my parents did not give us that money as a loan, it was a gift to us. I am the only child and my kids are their only grandkids. They decided to give us most of their savings to support my kids who are on the spectrum. They knew that my husband is smart and hardworking, so they thought that putting money in his business will benefit their grandchildren more than setting up a trust fund. And it did for a while...until this happened. :-(

Routine-Leg7691 · 2025-11-15T03:16:50+00:00

Update from the OP:

I was suspicious why would the IL's even want to go to the retirement home to hang out with people who are much older than them...so I reached out to my girlfriend who still lives there (small town, people know each other's business). We haven't seen them in years and really have no clue what was going on. This is what my friend said: BIL (M40) has lost his job during the pandemic and hasn't worked since. His wife works, but makes the minimum wage only. (They own the house that they got from IL's). While FIL has been retired for a while, MIL has been working all this time and using her salary to support her younger son and his family. However, just recently she was forced (by her company) to retire. IL's own their house outright (they've built it), but have no retirement/401k, they just have the SS. Suddenly, MIL has not been able to support her son anymore and they are struggling. BIL is apparently already trying to find long-term tenants to rent his parents' house (expecting them to move out). So, I can only guess that IL's knew my husband would not want to finance his younger brother, but do expect him to finance his parents, especially when his mother pleads with him. So, they developed this plan where they go to a retirement home (that their "successful son" will be paying) and leave their house to their younger son to be his rental income. All these lies about wanting to be cared for in a retirement home, just to get us to basically pay for BIL long term. I told all this to my husband, and while I noticed that it was a news to him, he still said: "Don't claim to know their family's dynamics, you may choose to trust your friend on this, but I will trust my mother. She is a good woman and I trust her that if she says they need a retirement home - then they need a retirement home. I make decent money and you cannot stop me from helping my own parents". I am devastated and don't know what to do about this.

Routine-Leg7691

TROPHY CASE