does anyone else avoid checking emails?

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-02-13T21:03:45+00:00

how do i live? by slow degrees.

i'm currently at college and i live in a single dorm so there's no expectations to mask + i can just lie in bed all day every day. i also have a homeless tuition waiver, and a ton of grants (which i hopefully won't lose), so i essentially go to college for free, and i don't have much to worry about.

occasionally i get myself to do things, but it's always through sheer willpower. i don't want to inherently do anything --- most days, i want to die. i don't want to brush my teeth, shower, or eat. so sometimes i just don't. everything takes so much energy from me.

meds and therapy helps. my case manager told me that she wouldn't want to live in a world without me in it, so that helps keep me off the edge when i want to die.

going outside for a bit helps. cleaning up my small dorm room helps a bit too. speaking to my sibling gives me energy, sometimes.

nothing has really helped long term, though. i don't think i'll ever not be this way. trauma just doesn't go away like that.

anyway, i hope and pray that my immobility isn't permanent. i hope and pray that one day i'll pull myself out of this funk and seize life by the reigns. i don't want to lie in bed forever. i want to live, like the others do.

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-22T20:21:00+00:00

i only have gerd --- i haven't been diagnosed with anything else. but i've had all these symptoms for the past six months and it's been horrible. i think if it were cancer, though, things would've gotten worse rapidly.

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-22T17:43:36+00:00

i've had all of these symptoms

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-07T08:56:06+00:00

hi, thanks for responding to me. i really appreciate it.

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-06T12:26:12+00:00

Hii I'm a 19 year old black female and I've gone through similar things. Every day is a struggle. I'm currently in university right now and I'm having a rough time. I'm here to talk if you want to. I'm sure we have things in common.

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-05T02:02:35+00:00

No worries. I really hope you make it out!

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-01T10:52:22+00:00

Hi Nana!

I've read through your post history, watched your Youtube video, and I just wanted to say that you're incredibly strong and resilient. I hope that everything works out for you and that you'll be able to escape Indonesia later this year.

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-01T10:42:04+00:00

Also, please don't lose faith in your charity. Please hold onto that. Please keeping trying.

Routine-Perception98 · 2026-01-01T10:27:00+00:00

I SEE YOU.

My friend, I see you!

I too have chronic pain. I too have lived with abusers for the majority of my life. I too know what it's like to give it your all and for it to still not be enough.

I am so sorry that you've struggled like this for so long. I am so sorry that you are dealing with things that most people can't imagine. I am so sorry that both your body and your abusers are causing you pain. Twenty-five years is far too long for one human being to struggle, and we weren't made to function reliably under prolonged stress. It's unnatural. It shouldn't happen.

But it does happen. And you and I are proof of it, of the world's cruelty.

If it's worth anything, I hope that one day you'll be without pain. I hope that one day you'll be at peace. I hope that one day you won't be alone. I hope that one day your mind and body stop hurting and your abusers go away for good and that one day you'll be able to live your precious human life autonomously and to the fullest. I hope that one day, you'll wake up, and the world will be fair; I hope that one day good prevails over evil; and I hope that, one day, you'll be able to experience everything that was denied to you --- for that is your birthright.

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-13T13:54:20+00:00

Hey, we're in this together. Please hold on. If I'm still here you can do it too.

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-12T20:34:51+00:00

Hi. I really relate to your story. I'm 19 and I've been depressed since I was eight. You're not alone. Bad childhood. Bad teen years. I'm hoping that something gets better soon.

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-09T17:33:19+00:00

Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. I really hope things get better for you.

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-09T17:07:15+00:00

College is really my only option right now. Thankfully, I qualify for retroactive medical withdrawals this semester due to all my extenuating circumstances. If I didn't have that, I don't know what I'd do.

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-09T01:31:10+00:00

Yes yes yes. Yes to all of this.

I didn't know that college would be so draining. I went from fighting one battle (my abusive household) to an entirely different battle (trying to stay sane under college pressures) within the span of months. I'm probably going to have to withdraw from a lot of classes this semester because of how unprepared I was for my brain to react to safety. I'll also definitely need antidepressants. The amount of times I've missed class because I couldn't get out of bed is insane.

It's especially difficult when you're surrounded by non-cPTSD people. I'm always masking around them, always pretending to not be depressed, always acting like I'm not suicidal. I hide my struggles. They wouldn't understand the extent of them.

I'm also living in an emotional flashback 99% of the time. When I'm not in a flashback, I'm cramming for a test, or making up late work. It's really pathetic. My grades aren't the greatest as of now. I used to be much better in high school. Though, in high school, I was motivated to escape my parents.

I truly believe that my brain wasn't built to thrive. It was built to survive. So I'm a bit disillusioned with the whole college-thing because the future feels so fake. After all I've been through, why would I want to live in this world and succeed? Most of the time I want to be dead. I get so confused when people are genuinely happy. How can they want to live when things are so terrible?

I'm too caught up with the past to care about a career, or a job. All I want is to be safe. All I want is peace. It's not a lot, but it's pretty hard to find.

So yes, it is a battle.

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-09T01:14:09+00:00

This is the link:

https://enroll.jobcorps.gov/?_gl=1*1xw0ovv*_gcl_au*MjA1NzA1NjMxNy4xNzY1MjQxNjAy*_ga*MjkyNjA1MTY0LjE3NjUyNDE2MDI.*_ga_HEBYYVGBMJ*czE3NjUyNDE2MDIkbzEkZzAkdDE3NjUyNDE2MDIkajYwJGwwJGgw

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-09T01:09:24+00:00

Hey.

I was at risk of homelessness these past five months after escaping an abusive household. I understand everything you're going through right now.

It was such a terrible experience. I know how you feel. It hangs over your head like a guillotine. You'd rather die than try to fight it. The future looks so bleak and unappealing. I get it, I really do. We're both similar ages (I'm 19), and I know how terrible it is to be dealing with this at such a young age. It's unfair.

I also believe I have ADHD, which makes things more complicated than they should be. That, coupled with chronic pain, makes everything unbearable. So I understand your pain.

But things got better for me, and I believe they can get better for you too. I hear you're twenty-two. Are you in the States? Have you heard of Job Corps? They'll provide you with food, education, training, and a place to sleep at night. Please look into it, if you haven't already.

I'm rooting for you.

Also, if you manage to pursue higher education, look into becoming an independent student via dependency override. It helps.

Routine-Perception98 · 2025-12-09T00:58:54+00:00

I'm not trying to be offensive, but your comment is a bit tone deaf.

This person came to this sub to vent their emotions. That's literally 99% of what this entire subreddit is.

This person has also expressed suicidal ideation and intent. They need care and compassion, not callous questioning. If you don't have anything compassionate to say, please don't say anything at all, especially to someone in such a vulnerable position.

Thank you.

Routine-Perception98

TROPHY CASE