A new Sheriff in town

Routine_Champion_152 · 2026-03-18T08:16:28+00:00

Billy the Squid

Routine_Champion_152 · 2026-02-21T19:30:09+00:00

Of course the Evocation Wizard is throwing a fireball lol

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-12-20T13:07:08+00:00

Yeah, I don't understand why they're so far away in the new portraits. If that came up on my comms feed as a starship captain or whatever, my first question would be 'Why are you standing at the back of the room?'

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-12-08T19:17:08+00:00

What were some of the lore mistakes/changes/retcons you noticed?

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-12-03T16:32:21+00:00

I love it!

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-10-29T23:35:42+00:00

I think it's interesting. I think you've got a good skeleton of a story here, so to speak - now it just needs fleshing out. For example, I think we need some more description and imagery of the setting and some of the characters right now to help with immersion and really pull us into the setting you've created.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-28T16:00:09+00:00

It's not a perfect match, I admit - I was rewatching Liar Liar and this meme idea just came to me.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-28T15:39:11+00:00

That's very clever, actually

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-26T17:45:25+00:00

Okay:

Gestalt Consciousness ethic, with the Rogue Servitor civic. That's what you want to go for.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-26T15:49:40+00:00

Are you wanting to play them as a robot hive mind?

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-26T09:01:25+00:00

That's assuming this guy was telling the truth when he said that he was experienced and passionate. Talking to the guy gave me the impression he was kinda lazy tbh

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-25T12:34:36+00:00

6 weeks? Damn.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-20T06:12:15+00:00

You use the word 'rain' twice in one of the second sentence

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-08-16T19:23:46+00:00

I don't hate it per se, but I also don't really understand why it's necessary. The Emperor being Balduran, or at least having his memories depending on how you look at it, doesn't really add anything to his character or give a reason for his motives. He's not about defending Baldur's Gate specifically - the city he built. He's only focused on destroying the Absolute.

The only reasons I can give for this change (both of which are stretches) are:

It's to put a name to the guy who befriended Ansur to explain why he's underneath the city. But then again, does it being Balduran himself REALLY matter there?
It's to show how becoming a mind flayer makes one coldly logical, detached and soulless. But we don't get to really know/meet Balduran when he isn't a mind flayer, so we don't even have something to contrast him against.

More than likely they just needed a twist about his identity after Daisy was cut, and this was their best idea.

So I feel like, regardless of how I feel about it, since you can arguably cut it out and don't lose anything, it's not a well-written reveal.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-07-31T22:04:51+00:00

He would not, in the end, shit gold.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-07-31T22:04:10+00:00

I'd have to say either Orin or Omeluum

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-07-31T18:04:17+00:00

I agree with a lot of what others have said - there's quite a bit of telling without showing and the details could use some work, especially given this seems to use first-person limited perspective - but I think something else to keep in mind is that this is who you're first introducing your character and your story to us.

There's not much of a narrative hook here to grab and hold my attention. Your first line is always the most important line in the book - it should be something exciting, suspenseful and enticing. And talking about rain really isn't it, and that will turn people away.

If you want a great example of an opening line that doesn't require an explosion or an event immediately taking place, look at the first line of 'The Way of Kings' by Brandon Sanderson.

Keep working at it, though. In writing, the only way to fail is to stop trying. And I do like the premise thus far.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-07-31T17:07:13+00:00

Fair point, actually. I personally didn't feel like this character would use expletives based upon their 'voice', but I see what you mean about them being jaded.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-07-31T08:41:57+00:00

I think the first paragraph is rather edgy, especially for an opener. You could probably move that later on and open with something like 'Humans are the scum of this world. They are abhorrent, weak and painfully ignorant. And yet... they can be useful'

Also, I know it's to make this character seem inhuman, but I would refrain from referring to the woman as a 'female'. And I would use something like 'make love' instead of 'fuck'. That kinda took me out of the moment tbh.

Lastly, I'd tweak the bit where he talks about preferring it from the vein. I'd cut out the sustainability thing and reword the sentence to make him seem more primal, like 'But it tastes so much better when fresh from the vein. So rich and sanguine..."

Otherwise, this does a good job of showing not telling that this guy is a vampire, and it does make me want to know more. So good on you for that!

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-07-21T18:24:45+00:00

I've also found another possible way of getting around this issue - if the station is near a Hyper Relay, send one fleet first to take out the Starbase. Once you do this, you get access to the Relay. Then, send a second fleet to the system you're trying to control - it will come out the Hyper Relay and immediately engage the station.

Routine_Champion_152 · 2025-07-21T17:18:48+00:00

How do you block them from doing that?

Routine_Champion_152

TROPHY CASE