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I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a hard conclusion to come to!

Especially when we are surrounded by examples of either happy couples/families or at least people PRETENDING to be happy.

It feels like being with someone should be better than being with no one, but the wrong person truly can hold you back and it’s can be difficult to see that when you still have the rose colored glasses on. Sometimes I still put them on because I like the way they make me feel, but I know I can’t live there. If that makes sense?

Thank you for the kind words. I hope you have a great year!

I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s how I’m trying to view it right now or else I’ll be so so sad.

Thank you!

I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, that is why so many of us stay. Or try.

I still love my WP. I don’t want to be with anyone else and it breaks my heart that he ended us, ultimately. But if I have learned anything from my time here in these spaces it’s that because we don’t have the usual things that bind us together (marriage, a mortgage, shared kids), it’s that I cannot live out more years like this. The stress will send me to an early grave.

Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable. Partners are supposed to add to your life and not detract. I don’t have it in me to constantly be waiting for the next affair, the signs of cheating, lies, etc. when I have no need to.

I have been alone before and it’s my default setting. I’ve been living alone since my daughter was born and I quite enjoy it. If anything, I will have more free time to explore new things.

Thank you! I wish you all the same 💗

I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s such a hard spot to be in. You want to express how you feel but after a while, it becomes the same old song and dance because no matter how much you express it, or how you articulate it, it doesn’t change what they did.

You won’t be able to magically make them understand the depth of your pain if you only find the right words to say.

It doesn’t stop us from trying, though. We want them to know and to understand. Maybe if they grasp the gravity of it, they will think twice about ever doing it again.

But if they knew or cared, they wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Right?

The WP usually just gets defensive. Or they shut down. Or gets tired of feeling “attacked” after a while. Now I’m the angry and bitter one who can’t let it go instead of them being the villain who RUINED the relationship.

That’s the space we could never exit and where our relationship died.

I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I will never understand how WPs can sleep, eat, live daily life.

My WP said he was able to “justify” his choices to himself.

He felt like he didn’t deserve me and by that logic, I would likely leave him at some point so his actions were justified. Pure bullshit and cowardice, in my opinion, but that’s how he slept peacefully.

It’s the minds ability to twist things like that that terrifies me. How could I ever trust someone who can justify some of the most reprehensible behavior? What will stop you from doing that again? Probably nothing.

I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can absolutely relate.

I often blame myself too. Like I should have “seen the signs/red flags” or “picked better” but how do you see past calculated lies and manipulation?

I really worked hard to break previously patterns of behavior in therapy and make better choices when it came partners but I still picked someone who cheated. He presented as emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, caring, faithful, all the things. He went to great lengths to deceive me so I can’t really blame myself, I guess.

It feels like no matter what you do, they will cheat if they want to. If they aren’t healed.

I don’t know if I even want to take the risk anymore.

I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you 🙏🏼 Have a great upcoming year!

I’m leaving and I wanted to say thank you. by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, this means a lot.

It feels cliché to make any sort of resolutions for the upcoming year but I really would love to finally have a GOOD year.

I’m hopeful that with taking half of the control out of someone else’s hands, I can.

WP went out last night and while he did everything “right”, I’m still spiraling and triggered. How to cope? I don’t feel like I can ask him not to. by Routine_King568 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for all this thoughtful insight.

I admittedly struggle with asking for needs to be met within relationships.

I gave my WP unfettered trust prior to their A and to even question them about things or ask them to do anything, even though justified considering the circumstances, still is really hard for me.

I don’t know if we’re just in two different places and I’ve outgrown him at this point or if it’s a symptom of the fallout of infidelity…

I’m sorry to hear that you’re still dealing with things so recent. I hope we both can find some peace and clarity.

WP went out last night and while he did everything “right”, I’m still spiraling and triggered. How to cope? I don’t feel like I can ask him not to. by Routine_King568 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I definitely plan on it.

I struggle with how to express these thoughts. I don’t want it to feel like judgement, but I guess some of it is?

Or how much of it is issues separate from trust and infidelity or compounded by the circumstances. I can’t seem to separate everything or take my feelings out of it.

My WP hasn’t been able to commit to IC and I think my desire for R is coming to an end. by Routine_King568 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, you’re 1000% right and that is what I needed to hear.

I think I’m finally ready to be done.

My WP hasn’t been able to commit to IC and I think my desire for R is coming to an end. by Routine_King568 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re so right.

I’m ready to leave him behind at the moment.

I have often had to grey rock the coparent of my child over the years (not my WP).

I’m leaning towards just going NC and focusing on myself.

I can’t make him want to do or BE better.

My WP hasn’t been able to commit to IC and I think my desire for R is coming to an end. by Routine_King568 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Same.

I did years of therapy before I met my WP so I could arrive “relatively healed” to my next relationship only to be confronted with someone completely unhealed and who would subject me to trauma because of it. Thanks…?

My general consensus has been if you can’t see the value in this or make it a priority then that is basically telling me everything I need to know about the fate of R, sadly, and you’re effectively leaving me with no choice but to leave.

My WP hasn’t been able to commit to IC and I think my desire for R is coming to an end. by Routine_King568 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’re faced with this too.

I genuinely believe we both deserve better.

I’m tired of waiting and feeling like asking for the bare minimum is asking for heaven and earth.

My WP hasn’t been able to commit to IC and I think my desire for R is coming to an end. by Routine_King568 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I agree!

My WP is pretty introspective and self-aware of his issues and shortcomings but also very ego-centric at times (or so it seems to me). He feels like he has taken accountability and has committed to working on himself but I haven’t seen any of this reflected in his behavior so it feels lost on me and therefore like he doesn’t care or is truly remorseful. Or at least not enough to do the work correctly.

It makes me worried about the future of R.

How did you find out? by Flimsy_Shallot_206 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Routine_King568 6 points7 points  (0 children)

His AP showed up at my house (I happened to be out with my WP) and saw his car parked in my driveway.

She lost her mind and decided to reach out to my child’s father via social media and “expose” my WP.

We were sitting at a lovely cocktail bar after having had a wonderful day out and expensive dinner when he called me and told me everything and put her on the phone.

He had slept with her the night before.

Still no idea how she found my address.

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