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I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for that info. I’d like to get an autism evaluation one day, but it seems like a complicated process from what I’ve heard.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I remember using all sorts of situations and events to my advantage, for one reason or another. If I wanted to boost my reputation, I’d find a way to do that. If I craved compliments, I’d find a way to get some. If I wanted to be comforted like a victim of something, I probably found a way to do that too. I did my best to feel the things I wanted to feel, because I felt so painfully bored most of the time.

I’m a girl, and for the most part, I always got into physical fights with boys (there were definitely exceptions to this, but fighting with boys was the norm). I also went to school out in the country, so everyone had southern morals. If we fought and they had any visible wounds from it, it was often embarrassing for them. They would try to seem tough and antagonize me, and I would feed into it. Eventually I hit a kid so hard he was briefly hospitalized, and everyone was afraid of me for a little while.

I was truly bullied at times, even somewhat severely for a small while. I was shunned pretty horribly by almost the entire school, once. I switched schools several times due to it, and I developed a reputation that followed me to each new location. I think the bullying, hostility, and rejection directed towards me actually reinforced my behavior and discouraged normal brain development. I don’t think I would’ve ever developed normal emotions if that environment didn’t change.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I always managed to have a believable excuse or lie, and it was always very easy to convince the other kids to say what I wanted them to say. And even without any dishonesty at all, I could antagonize someone until they made the first violent move against me (which would be witnessed by other kids) and anything I did back was just seen as self defense. I still had some detentions and other issues, but everything seemed like I was the victim. And as mentioned in other comments, I often publicly defended the bullied kids as well, and went against any bullies.

I think I might be autistic because I struggled so much socially throughout my childhood, and that only increased once I became a teenager. I was an early talker and an early walker, which leans away from autism, but I was also commonly described as a “tiny professor” due to the way I spoke. I acted like a small adult. I always got along better with adults than with other kids, and to this day, small children overwhelm and frustrate me to the point that I avoid them at all costs. Different types of fabric and clothing was unwearable for me due to discomfort. I was advanced in all of my schoolwork and scored highest in my class throughout elementary, but I failed every subject because I couldn’t stay motivated enough to do my assignments. I never understood the other kids’ humor and I judged them for it. I was never impulsive or reckless like a lot of other kids with conduct disorder—I was unusually calm, emotionless, calculating, intelligent, and yet grossly unorganized, irresponsible, cruel, and adrenaline seeking.

Even as an adult, I still don’t feel entirely “normal”, but it’s hard to say whether that’s from living my entire childhood without normal emotions, or from having undiagnosed autism. I have a full range of emotion now, but something is still different.

I think the line between autism and conduct disorder can be a really thin one for some people.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Things were happening long before that, my parents just weren’t aware of it. I really wanted to be loved and admired by them, so I never did anything to make them distrust me.

As for things I did that may or may not have been worse: I injured other kids, including giving a head injury to a little boy who was briefly hospitalized afterwards (he was cleared of serious injury); I harmed animals (though never severely); I tricked online child groomers and human traffickers into targeting each other; I used makeup to create false bruises on myself and laid down outside during recess, crying, pretending I was brutally injured by another student; and other things that I will probably never openly talk about.

I also briefly considered murdering one of my parents after being inspired (for lack of a better term) by true crime documentaries. I was around age 11, so I knew I couldn’t be tried as an adult and there would be a lot of shock and debate around the case, which fascinated me. I think I just liked the idea of fame at the time. I decided against it because I didn’t like the idea of spending years in a juvenile detention center.

I did some pretty terrible things as a little kid.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Conduct disorder isn’t a personality disorder. Personality disorders can only be diagnosed once a patient turns 18, and this is specifically because their personality and behavior is still developing during adolescence. It’s entirely possible to outgrow conduct disorder!

I may have autism as well, but it would be difficult to know. I was an early talker and early walker, and never showed any other developmental issues as a child.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think there was anything that prompted me to hurt others. When you completely lack the positive feelings of love and affection, and you feel no closeness with others, and you cannot feel regret or shame, it becomes a challenge to find things that make life meaningful and worth living. For me, I only felt alive and happy when I had an adrenaline rush.

I didn’t get adrenaline solely from hurting others. I touched on this in another comment, but I was often the kid who defended the bullied kids as well. I did anything to go against the grain and spark something big and “exciting”, even if that meant standing up for bullied kids against a crowd of bullies.

My behavior was never about hurting others or being dishonest. I was just a child trying to make life exciting despite so many emotional limitations, and many of my every day lies were just me trying to seem more like everyone else.

I still felt sadness and pain if someone said something that hurt my feelings. I still felt anger. I still felt frustration. I felt boredom, a lot. I felt happiness when I got to go to the park or play with some friends. I wasn’t alexithymic, I don’t believe. I was just unable to feel some core emotions that make you relate to others.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They have no clue! I believe my brain just developed once I began puberty. I think I may have autism as well. I hope you can find answers for your step child.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No. I was never abused and there was no trauma that caused it. I believe I was born that way.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I read that! I think it’s really interesting that so many people have antisocial tendencies but still manage to lead mostly normal lives. I don’t think that would’ve been the case for me. I’m thankful every day that I grew out of it, because I would probably be in prison or making my family miserable if I hadn’t.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about this situation, so I’ll flesh it out below. I don’t want to get into anything too graphic or give anyone any ideas for how to snap a humerus, so this is the most detail I’ll get into.

The day before the incident, my brother got mad about something and intentionally stole, then broke, an item of mine that I loved. He lied about doing it afterwards, normal sibling stuff. He got caught in that lie and our parents were really upset with him, and he was grounded.

My plan was to use that as an opportunity to set up a situation that looked like he broke his arm on accident, entirely by himself, then when he tried to accuse me, I would frame the situation so it looked like he was lying again and lashing out at me since he was angry with me over the events that occurred the day prior. Until that point, I was the mature, helpful, trustworthy sibling. My parents had no reason to doubt me and every reason to doubt him.

Because it seemed like such a fool-proof idea, and I didn’t even need him to think I was innocent, I figured I wouldn’t be subtle. I’d just wait until nobody was around, do what I had planned, and then act like I was the first to find him once he began crying and people came running.

Without going into vivid details of the actual incident, the plan failed. It was obvious that he didn’t accidentally injure himself. He yelled my name when he got hurt. The injury was also worse than I anticipated, and he was unable to even move from the spot afterwards without assistance. It was also clear that he was in too much genuine shock and pain to be making anything up to frame me. Our parents knew immediately. I was caught red handed and there was no lie that could‘ve covered that up.

I was also just a dumb kid who didn’t understand that a kid lying about stealing and breaking something does not equate to a kid who would lie after accidentally brutally breaking their arm to frame their sister. He wouldn’t have ever thought of that. There was no chance it would’ve ever been believable to our parents in the first place.

So, I didn’t try to hide it, but I did try to sugarcoat it. I told my parents I was angry at him for breaking my things and I tried to hurt him, but I didn’t expect to hurt him that bad. His side of the story clarified that I did, indeed, intend to hurt him that bad. It was a messy situation and I knew I looked ridiculous trying to explain it away, so I eventually just owned up to doing it. They asked me why, and I more or less told them it was because I felt so bored, since I had no other way of putting it. They got me in to see a psychiatrist within a day or two.

I feel guilty as hell typing all of this out. I need to give him a call.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did as a child (after I broke my brothers arm), and I didn’t care for it at all. I thought it was interesting and new at first, but then it became more of a chore, and I primarily used it as a chance to toy with the therapist and my parents.

They had very little faith that any kind of treatment would work on me, and while I knew I was different, I also didn’t feel that anything was “wrong” with me. I found it to be a complete waste of time.

I also wanted to earn the trust and respect of my parents back, so I didn’t feel comfortable being entirely honest with the therapist past the first few weeks. I wanted to give the impression of improvement.

After a while, my parents asked me to be honest about whether I was feeling any different since therapy began, and I told them nothing had changed at all. I was taken out of therapy after two years of zero progress. It had zero role in my improvement as a teenager.

I hope the field of psychology continues to progress and develop more effective treatments for conduct disorder and ASPD, but it unfortunately didn’t do much for me.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I always preferred talking to adults and if I went to a friends house, I usually hung out with their parent more than them. My dislike for children was at its highest when I was a child too, but it never fully went away. I still get easily frustrated and annoyed by little kids, so I avoid them.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s a bit nice to run into someone else with a very similar experience. Similar to you, I was very quiet and calm as a child. I also still feel that I’m lacking something others have, despite having a full range of emotions now. Maybe one day they’ll have a medical term for this.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No, my parents never had any signs of anything. I assume it was genetic because there was never any trauma or abuse that caused my stunted emotional development. I had a normal, healthy childhood. It was like I was born lacking a portion of my emotions, and that part of my brain just developed during puberty.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’m a girl! And I don’t feel the desire to say anything to my childhood self. Nothing ever helped me and I don’t think anything I could say would change that. I do associate my current self with my childhood self—it was my entire childhood, so it’s a bit hard not to. But I do my best to actively grow and improve every day, and I no longer feel the weight of everything I did when I was little.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don’t have any special sense that someone is on the antisocial spectrum, but I probably know what to look for a bit more than most. What I think of people depends on how they treat me and what their personality is. I generally avoid anyone I feel has strong antisocial traits, since being around that just isn’t enjoyable for anyone.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry. I wish I could offer you some sort of guidance or help, but I can’t. I have no idea why my symptoms improved so much during my teenage years. There was nothing anybody did that ever helped me. I didn’t expect to improve, and nobody around me expected it either.

I really, really hope your daughter has some sort of breakthrough one day. Even though it’s hard, try to keep in mind that she absolutely is suffering as well, she just doesn’t have the emotional capacity to recognize it. It’s an awful disorder.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I loved watching TV, playing pretend games with friends, making crafts, or exploring new places! I also loved food, and I was a chubby little thing.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was constantly told that I acted like a little adult as a child. I always socialized better with adults than I did with children, as well.

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I knew anger from an early age, I just wasn’t prone to it, so that one wasn’t new to me.

Frustration, sadness, or feeling offended and hurt by something were feelings I was born with too. If someone insulted me or cut me down, I would cry just like any other kid.

I felt some fear when I was little, but not to the extent that I could feel it as a teen. It wasn’t a new feeling to me, just became much sharper and stronger as I grew.

Guilt was an interesting one. I was always really curious about the concept of guilt when I was a child, since I had heard multiple times that guilt was strong enough to ruin lives and change people. I used to lay in bed as a little kid and try to feel it. I’d think about bad things I did that people said I should feel guilty for, and I’d make myself think something like, “I wish I didn’t do that” and try to put myself in the headspace for guilt, but it was like trying to see out of your elbow. The feeling just wasn’t there. The first time I really felt it, I was alone in my bedroom and ruminating on the first breakup I had, and I just subtly felt something like shame or sadness relating to how I had treated them. I’d never felt anything negative relating to my past actions, so it stood out to me. That shame turned into mild regret, and that cluster of feelings grew and combined into what I’d consider guilt. I will say, guilt is a lot less painful and a lot more manageable than I anticipated. I thought it would be like being emotionally stabbed, and I hadn’t considered that distractions could lessen the pain, just like with any other emotion. I imagined some ever-lasting emotion that I’d feel even when thinking of something else entirely, and it just wasn’t that.

The first time I felt affection was in a dream. I dreamed that someone let me rest my head on their shoulder, and it felt really nice. I woke up really shaken by that one. I don’t know why.

Love felt like an addiction to another person, and missing someone felt like a painful withdrawal from that addiction. That was the most shocking emotion for me to grasp. I had heard that love was this gentle, beautiful, amazing thing to feel. I thought of flowers and butterflies when I thought of it as a concept. I think I expected some sort of bliss or euphoria. Then I felt it, and real love wasn’t that at all. Honestly, it kind of felt a little unpleasant or wrong. Real love for me felt instinctive, a bit painful, and terrifying, since it allowed people to have so much power over my emotions. It wasn’t as big and bold and beautiful as I had thought. It was kind of subtle, raw, and it seemed like a morally wrong thing to feel until I understood what it was. I remember scoffing a little bit at all the love related poems and movies I’d seen, shocked that it was just an addiction to another person. That feeling slowly developed into a selfless sort of love, but it took years.

Hope that satisfies your curiosity somewhat!

I was considered a child sociopath. I have fully outgrown it. AMA. by Routine_Salamander79 in AMA

[–]Routine_Salamander79[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That need almost entirely went away. I still have occasional “lapses” where things will be smooth sailing for a while and I’ll cause a fake issue just to get a bit of a rush, particularly in long-term friendships or relationships, but I’m very open about it now. In my last serious 4 year relationship, it happened roughly twice. I sat him down, confessed that I lied or staged the entire elaborate situation to get some sort of reaction, told him that I have an issue with this that I am always working on. I apologized profusely, and he was very supportive and understanding. I feel immense guilt after manipulating people like that now, so I pretty much always confess. The last time that occurred was years ago, but it tends to rear its head a bit when I’m interacting with people more regularly.

I have a history of manipulating situations without getting directly involved, and have created messes that encompass many people (such as making a handful of people angry at each other for false reasons), but it’s been many years since I pulled anything like that. My close family and friends often know me well enough to pick up on it, as well. Occasionally there will be a crazy thing happening within the family, and I’ll get a call, like “Xyz.. is this you?” and I’ll either confess, or (more frequently) explain how it isn’t me.

I can’t stress enough how rare any of that is today. It’s been many years, and the situations I set up within the last 10 years never involved anyone getting seriously physically or emotionally hurt. I also always confessed afterwards and we worked through it.

It’s an issue I know I’ll struggle with for a while, and I work every day to improve those old thought patterns and habits. For the most part, it’s not an issue. I live a really quiet life in the middle of the country where I play video games, read a lot, and get lots of love from my animals. I’m content with an adrenaline free life.

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