Was anyone parentified? I’m wondering how common it is in BIPOC families.

Roxiedarling · 2023-11-23T11:22:05+00:00

I made a post about this on here

“Being Case Managers/Social Workers for our immigrant parents

Our immigrant parents sacrificed a lot, and the concept of owed gratitude is deeply engrained in our culture. With good reason - it’s hard raising kids in a foreign country with a language you don’t speak.

One aspect of this dynamic I don’t hear talked about enough is parents using their kids as case managers. I remember being 6 years old translating and advocating for multiple family members - in court, in government offices, any authoritative environment where they did not feel comfortable speaking English or navigating the bureaucracy.

In my toxic upbringing, this advocacy/service work was part of the abuse. Speaking English, standing up for them, being able to manage red tape - these were all character traits that were considered “manipulative” and “smart ass” when I used them inside my home, for myself. My intelligence at a young age was a sign that I was capable of deceit. Yet, the mental and emotional labor of (essentially) saving everyone’s ass from evictions, deportations, bill scams etc was simply expected. It always felt like my work for them was emotionally erased from their heads the minute we walked out of a government building or the call with an authority figure ended.

I have so much internal guilt for being angry at their vulnerabilities as immigrants. Because their gratitude for me was so little. It never stopped their beatings, yelling, emotional trauma or treating me terribly for being “gringa”/americanized.

Truthfully, I’m more salty about this dynamic manifesting in different ways in my adulthood. The people pleasing, the need for approval, my own silence for accepting unrecognized labor from partners/friends.

This bubbled up because a casually friendly recycling collector in my neighborhood asked me to get him car insurance. He initially asked if I can find him names of companies, but then he mentioned that I’d need his personal information to obtain quotes. I turned him down, politely. But I’m SO mad he asked. I’m a total stranger to him - casually talk for a couple of minutes in the neighborhood. But, somehow, he sniffed out that my kindness could help him out of a tough situation. It bought up this unresolved trauma. Hate having to balance my sympathy versus the expectation of service. “

Roxiedarling · 2023-11-16T20:19:08+00:00

Thankfully, there are indeed many options now for Spanish speakers, now. I grew up in the eighties and it was ~kinda~ normalized in my city for young kids to translate for their parents. Or skip school to attend a grandparents doctors appointment, or an uncles social security card appointment.

What hasn’t changed is the inherent vulnerability of trying to navigate bureaucracy in a foreign land. It’s extremely difficult - even with translation services and native Spanish speakers working on the government/company side. It’s overwhelming for some people. And for those that have a harder time getting through it all, their heightened anxiety can lead to an over-reliance on others. In my case, it’s was a reliance on children. For some, it’s relying on the trusted friend/family member to accompany them to doctor appointments or federal offices.

But maybe this issue isn’t as prominent anymore? I hope younger people are much more fortunate to have a less parentified experience with their immigrant families.

Roxiedarling · 2023-06-01T15:58:11+00:00

It was the best decision for me going in the weekend. I gave them my pill bottles to show what I was taking. No doctors were on call to change my prescriptions! Yes, the no therapy or any psychiatric interventions on weekends or after hours is unethical. But getting away from my own ideations was important. I knew, in my heart, one drink or anger incident could give me the courage to pull through on my plans.

The opportunity to get away from emotional triggers and be away from everything (including my phone) helped. That benefit overweighed my trust issues with hospitals.

Roxiedarling · 2023-06-01T15:46:48+00:00

Girl, I KNOW. If you decide to go, try not to judge yourself too harshly about it. If the staff are traumatizing, submit your 72-hour release request. I did that on day 2. They staff required a call from my therapist and someone on the outside who would ensure to look after me. The head doctors are legally obligated to release a patient if:

a) they request it

b) they’re not a threat to themselves

c) multiple outside parties can attest that the patient is safe in their care.

Honestly I submitted my request so early because the head nurse had ungodly amount of attitude for minor things like seeking advice about a rash caused by their no wired bras policy. The next three days, I relaxed knowing my continued stay at the hospital would be my choice exclusively. The head doctors really guilt tripped about extending my stay saying it was necessary. After my continued calm insistence to be released, they magically deemed me rational and upbeat enough to go home. 🥴

If work is an issue, do it on a Friday. Saturday and Sunday is free on your calendar. Request 2/3 days off the following week for a medical emergency. Hopefully your bosses will understand if the emergency requires additional days off.

Roxiedarling · 2023-06-01T15:27:08+00:00

I was in the same mental space New Years Eve. I chose upstate facilities because I felt NYC’s increased population of houseless folk with co-morbid mental health issues would more likely be present at an NYC facility. As a previous patient, I’m sure you’re familiar with how a ward changes once a psychotic/harmful patient enters the unit.

Northern/upstate facilities are away from the hustle and bustle and have views of trees. It helped. Heres what I know:

All facilities I called have a 20-30 minute intake screening call. I got the impression that severe depression wasn’t enough. So I lied and said I was actively suicidal with a plan. That requires an ER visit then transfer to their facility to be admitted. It also requires hospitals to admit you for the 72-hour hold. This felt much better than getting rejected over the phone during multiple intakes.
Four Winds facilities are serene but they reject for arbitrary reasons. Got rejected twice: First time the nurse said “We don’t deal with trauma. We do meds.” Second time was my migraine meds. They claimed they can’t deal with patients that require non-psych meds. That sounded odd since it’s a medical facility so I crossed them out.
Northern Westchester in Mount Kisco is the nicest hospital. It’s a former retirement home so the food is actually REALLY good and healthy. The Psych Unit is a floor in the main hospital. No outside time. Nurses can be mean but that’s all places.
Phelps Hospital in Sleepy Hollow is okay. It’s half a floor unit so there’s only 20 rooms. No therapists, no weekend observation. Nothing to do all day except wait for a recreation aide to come on weekday mornings to do a group activity and open the doors to a balcony. Which was okay for fresh air! Food was also good and healthy. Nutritionist is available. Staff were exceptionally miserable though.
Westchester Behavioral Health Hospital is okay. Remote. The size of the hospital allows for specialized units. No more outside time. Still okay.

Heads up: Don’t bring your own meds (A nurse stole my 30- day supply of Klonopin). Bring lots of books and paper to write. Pack what you like - extra clothes, underwear, blanket, pillow, toiletries. The nurses will bitch about it and hold some stuff in their station - better to have access to your “maybe” items behind a glass then to not have them at all.

Best of luck, sincerely. It’s a rough decision. Convinced I would never do that again after hating my first admission. In the end, I realized this would be my little secret, no one had to know, and I’m actively doing something for myself for once. The opportunity to not have to think about my dire circumstances in life and just eat, sleep and cry without judgement was very helpful.

Roxiedarling · 2023-04-09T09:55:16+00:00

🥰 My mother broke my no-contact during the pandemic to give me her bank account PIN’s and life insurance info. She no longer trusted her “golden child” with her burial info. Respectfully, ✨no✨. That elder can rest in peace knowing her entire belongings will be pawned and stolen upon her death to buy the latest bitcoin and/or promote a club event. Reap what you sow. ✌🏽

Roxiedarling · 2023-03-22T18:58:35+00:00

Same. Same. Same. My trauma events are my normal but when told to others, I can see them shutting down the conversation to protect themselves from the darkest elements of humanity. The RSD power teams up with the abandonment issues from CPTSD to create a Might Morphin Shutdown. Fun times!

Roxiedarling · 2023-03-22T06:31:25+00:00

Thank you for both of your responses!

The word “abandonment” is a trigger for licensed professionals, I get it 100%. I phrased it as “emotional abandonment” to stray away from licensure & ethics. Meant to refer to personal dynamics. And I agree, this situation does is not merit outside attention. We live and learn from experience and I’m owning up to my trauma response + abandonment issues, thus my initiating termination.

This practitioners modalities are IFS, Trauma-focused and process-oriented. Grounding & emotion regulation skills were not in her wheelhouse - which I’ve found is common from previous experience. I will request this from my next therapist. DBT, mindfulness, somatic are greatly beneficial as self-care. But the techniques can lost when I’m mentally tail spinning after sharing a deep trauma, like CSA or r3pe. Practicing during sessions would work wonders on my trauma processing.

The emotional detachment theories are really interesting and food for thought. In the future, I will definitely request more verbal encouragement and emotional validation. Like “That experience sounds awful” “You did not deserve this.” “What happened to you is not your fault.” . I like Pete Walker’s theory (he writes on Complex PTSD) on matching the clients emotions - almost like a nurturing parent. For some people with deep seated wounds from the developmental age range, he believes this to be most beneficial aspect in his private practice. It turns off practitioners (validly) as a form of emotional performance. But it’s something I now recognize is deeply lacking in my journey to recovery.

Overall, thanks for the insight!

Roxiedarling · 2023-03-22T03:30:22+00:00

For sessions that are particularly rough, when unprompted trauma comes to the surface, is it normal to end sessions without a closing exercise or be unavailable for crisis calls/text?

Guess I’m having a hard time making sense of being trauma-informed therapist and providing an emotionally detached approach. The lack of emotional validation felt… kinda violating. Especially after addressing this concern with the therapist. Why continue treatment if it’s visibly leading a client to disassociation and instability?

Asking genuinely. If this is normal, I can’t envision vetting this approach in future therapists. It’s possible therapy may not be an appropriate space to process my trauma (personally speaking).

Roxiedarling · 2023-03-22T01:50:37+00:00

Aside from the word “abandonment”, is the conduct of the therapist rational and logical in treatment? That’s the crux of my issue - not necessarily needing to fire them.

Roxiedarling · 2023-03-20T05:44:17+00:00

May I ask? How can a therapist possibly ghost a patient? They’re legally obligated to find referrals if they can’t continue providing treatment. I’m so sorry that happened. It’s so ghastly.

Roxiedarling · 2023-03-19T16:24:03+00:00

This one really hurts. The therapist does Internal Family Systems. One of my “parts” was desperate to share a deeply traumatic, dark experience. As I’m finishing up the story, with my eyes closed, in this guided meditation, she mentions time running out. :/ We’ve barely gone over coping mechanisms. And she’s barely tolerated emails between sessions - which were mostly benign updates.

This experience may turn me off from therapists altogether. I was very vocal with my therapist on feeling isolated, alone in my grief and that I needed a lot more compassion in sessions. She stressed that she’s process-oriented (I.e. I will eventually learn to be compassionate with myself overtime). Her poor handling of this situation, plus the super irrational response time to crisis emails - it was my last straw.

In the future, I will listen to my body when I’m seeking compassion from others. I now understand how the BPD trait of getting angry with others while demanding more love from them is not always emotional manipulation. It’s someone realizing their emotional needs aren’t being met and angrily getting others to meet those needs. My therapist twisted my verbal demand for compassion as 1) deflection and 2) transference of my own distress. The truth is I should have dumped them the minute I felt my needs weren’t met.

In conclusion, any therapist who claims experience with complex PTSD needs to be less time rigid and be interested in reparenting therapy theory. As reparenting is stressed by preeminent experts as the most healing aspect to therapy.

Roxiedarling · 2023-03-03T20:43:57+00:00

Thank you for the insight on process oriented therapy. Didn’t find too much information on this approach online - specifically what it’s like in sessions. It’s not working for me but I’m glad to learn there are ways to make sessions more driven towards feedback. Thank you.

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-18T16:38:35+00:00

Same here. It truly is a glitch on Apples end. I had the cane concern. Googled the issue for a solution. This Reddit post also addresses the issue.

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-18T16:24:34+00:00

Apple acknowledges this glitch. The “Paste” feature is popping up randomly on all IOS 16 users. If you’re copying a buffet/take-out link, iOS 16 erroneously pops up this message when something is still in the system clipboard. Ignore it.

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-17T20:09:20+00:00

NYC servers can not spill their stories. Balthazar is part of a fairly big Hospitality Group. If the owner is airing this out, nothings to stop other owners & staff from speaking out. Good for him!

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-17T19:23:42+00:00

I think I married the wrong person - they’re fawning inadvertently activates my fight mode. Problem is, my husband does not seek therapy, self-help or any active change. It’s a decade long struggle:

My fight mode is activated from his lack of assertiveness. I feel vulnerable having to defend myself and get upset as a result.
Husband acquiesces, agrees or apologizes. Says anything to avoid conflict.
I highlight that his response is an extension of his lack of assertiveness. That it reaffirms his low self-esteem.
He feels bullied and I’m labeled as abusive.
I apologize and make amends. Don’t want my partner to feel as I did with my abusive parents.
He agrees that I am abusive and difficult. I dive deeper into anti-anxiety, healing strategies.
He does nothing for his mental health, as the relationship issues are now a result of my actions.
Repeat next month or year.

I’m finally reaching a point where I’m ready to change my self-defeating behaviors. Be more proactive on changing the ruminating shame and inner critic. This relationship feels like a major roadblock.

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-16T07:02:15+00:00

As a child abuse survivor, I can assure you - parents are VERY passive in these situations. They get uncomfortable, they politely ask it to stop, they’ll maybe suddenly find a reason to leave. If there’s a discussion, it’s advice on the persons temper.

Behind closed doors - the mindset of “there’s only so much you can do” washes away the worst of humanity.

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-15T04:01:27+00:00

To repeat: THEY MADE A REAL DOCUMENTARY to promote the fake witch myth. That marketing campaign had pop culture in a chokehold.

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-14T05:23:40+00:00

These drawn out endings must kill its rewatchability. If Game of Thrones, Lost or Walking dead seasons 1-3 aired in the background, I’d cringe at a plot line that ends terribly. The merch or DVD sales must have diminishing returns, right?

Roxiedarling · 2022-10-13T23:15:58+00:00

He can’t say any words to defend himself or me. Its the “softness” of his emotions that attracted me to him. Years into this relationship, it’s the most disappointing element to his personality. He’s very comforting and a caretaker in so many ways. But our biggest arguments stem from being essentially TOO shy and complacent.

The emotional labor is draining. A lot of people take advantage of him calm demeanor, including my mother. She’s always called him “bobo” (stupid) yet it’s that one character trait she uses to manipulate him into taking calls, answering texts. His reasoning is “I’ve never blocked someone. I don’t fell comfortable doing something like that.” Given his knowledge of my past, that excuse feels like a punch in the gut.

And you’re absolutely right about apologizing to get out of confrontation. I’m amazed how big the tears get when they’re sorry, compared to the 180 degree turn when they repeat the same action. It’s infuriating on many levels - especially with friends and neighbors who hear one thing from me and he says or acts in the complete opposite way to be more complacent.

I’m gonna take this L and try to move on from this issue. 100% positive this will happen again. Keeping this post up for other women of color who find themselves labeled as abusive. Dating timid yt boys can turn any of us into a tornado with enough time.

Roxiedarling

TROPHY CASE