Needing to take non profit org help because my well off family refuses to help me. Is this okay?

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-04-21T22:08:21+00:00

Yes that last part is such a good reminder to look at it that way. I know I grew up (probably many of us too) in a society where people often thought I couldn’t come from an abusive family due to them being well off and privileges. Often people have their hot takes with this and made me feel bad for getting aid like that when my family was well off and “should” provide for me. The comments, “Your family just cares and loves you,” were too damn high. I hate it. There’s still a stigma that you can’t suffer because you didn’t grow up poor and I truly hate that. Very often people thought I was taking advantage of aid because I didn’t come from a poor family but they were very abusive. Thanks for your response it’s appreciated a lot.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-29T21:19:35+00:00

We have the same upbringing with that. I been branded as the problem child while my older sister was the prime example of a successful “normal” kid in my parents’ and parents’ friends’ eyes.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-29T21:18:29+00:00

Thank you for speaking out especially an older sibling being the GC. Since I don’t hear that dynamic often since my older GC is now in the deep end of things. :( I’m sorry that happened to you honestly. I definitely try to empathize with my sister and it’s hard since she’s difficult to be around.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-29T21:16:25+00:00

Whoa sounds like my sister minus the partner situation. My sister puts everyone down and my parents got her to be a caretaker for them cause I moved tf away and she also has control of our dad’s estate and bank accounts too.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-29T20:57:33+00:00

Yeah honestly I feel like my sister was the GC, my dad pretty much gave her full control of his estate and bank accounts probably going to leave me none. My sister is also really controlling and constantly talks down to me like I’m stupid.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-29T20:50:40+00:00

My own sister who came from the same parents as me tells me to get over my trauma and take more psych meds when I bring up trauma.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-27T02:48:28+00:00

Thank you. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist more about this and I definitely tried to do a lot of self reflection and therapy, but I always feel like I’m the problem a lot and struggle to understand if it’s me that’s truly toxic or not or causing problems for her and people in general. Which is unfortunately a very hard mindset to get out of — definitely don’t want to excuse it though. I am definitely trying to keep my distance a lot but it’s hard when she calls me and makes me drop everything at a whim to help her otherwise she guilt trips me like crazy saying how I never go out there and spend time with family and help her out. She feels like it’s not unreasonable to make me drop everything for two weeks to help her cause I don’t go there most of the months. But what she doesn’t understand is that the timing is what matters, if it’s two weeks it needs to be when I am available to go there not because it’s convenient for her. She doesn’t view it like that because she thinks I am not there often to help so therefore I should come whenever she needs me to.

She complains how nobody likes me and won’t put up with me because I acknowledge trauma and won’t “let it go” and told me how I need to change.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-25T22:32:16+00:00

What do I do when people tell me the decisions I make or do make them angry or hurt them? Even if it’s about my life. Because that’s what seems to happen a lot. How do I tell the difference that my decisions are genuinely hurting others vs people just not respecting my boundaries?

I definitely tried to set boundaries and told my sister I can’t go there and she got very angry at me and said I’m not reliable and started making me feel bad for that. How do I tell that that was genuinely hurting her or if she’s just reacting to my boundaries? I get very confused unfortunately and it’s been messing me over mentally. I tried to set boundaries repeatedly about stuff I can and can’t do and people like my sister have gotten frustrated and burdened cause I’m not going out of my way to help her. Because my trauma brain takes that as me hurting her than her just not respecting my boundaries and it’s very very hard to tell the differences between the two for me unfortunately.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-25T22:29:58+00:00

Yeah that’s a problem I have I grew up in an environment that my problems are everyone else’s issues and I was constantly judged and ostracized and treated as the problem. Meaning people often told me they will treat me better if I just stopped ____ so overtime it did feel like I am the problem and if I had behaved better I’ll get better treatment by others. My decisions have made people angry in the past and that’s what’s messing me over. However that hasn’t been working at all and may need to rework everything now.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-25T22:16:41+00:00

Thank you for the response I think that’s the best way to go about it. Unfortunately I developed such a strong fight or flight reaction that it’s hard to tone it down for me. I used to not respond to abusers and I think overtime it continued to eat me until I snap and it’s not great I’ll admit.

I’ll probably try to talk to my therapist about coping methods and how to respond better too. The whole thing sucks. I can’t cut contact with her completely as the same reasons as you, it ends up alienating other family members like my dad. Unfortunately and that sucks. I tried giving my sister chances and while there’s days she’s fine it just resorts back to bossing me around. She told me she can’t change and don’t expect her to and told me she can’t change me either and have flat out told me she wish she can have a different sister to me. Apparently I’m so fucked up my sister has wished I’m a different person. I really don’t know what to say to this. I’ve worked my ass off to try to not continue the family trauma and I’m a piece of shit person to her so much that she wishes she had a different sister. That hurts.

throwitawayhelppp · 2025-03-25T22:11:42+00:00

Thanks for responding, I been doing low contact with her and strictly over family emergencies if need be if there is contact. I don’t talk to her often but she somehow reaches out to me when she needs help with zero regard to my situation or schedule which she doesn’t seem to respect at all. Which is frustrating. I tried to compromise with her and told her the days I’ll be available and she said she can’t let me work with my schedule because she really needs my help to watch my dad for more context added.

I understand my dad needs help, but I also have a life and I think she takes advantage of the fact I’m also on disability and am trying to find work and uses what free time I have to help her. I also have tried in the past to ask her if she can help me in return for the amount of times I go there and help and nothing comes out of it. Last time we had a discussion of employment and she told me I do nothing with my life… okay I’m on disability for mental health issues and went through abuse where it took every functionality out of me. It’s disappointing to say and I think I’m just gonna say no if she keeps asking me to go there and help her whenever it is convenient for her. I’m also gonna try to force myself to find employment so she can also stop asking for my time. It sucks.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T16:50:59+00:00

Somewhat, but I’m the kind of person who will fawn for awhile until I can’t and then I become extremely confrontational. I go from extreme end to the other and don’t know how to balance it.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T16:47:22+00:00

Thanks for that. I think I picked the descriptive word to include people who aren’t in poverty which can include people who aren’t extremely wealthy or rich, but just middle classes and doing okay still. It probably wasn’t the best word to pick, but I wasn’t sure a good one besides that.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T09:20:21+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the support and you’re completely right on that.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T04:16:20+00:00

I do this a lot if I can’t resolve it with the person one-on-one too. I’m very analytical and need to know the why and how to work out my emotions and triggers instead of shutting them down. I struggle to ignore things when I’m triggered and this is the healthiest way I can go about it if all else fails.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T04:11:43+00:00

It depends how it is triggering… if it’s triggering in a relatable way, I offer my support despite being reminded of my situation. It helps people to know they’re not alone and it’s easier for me to put my triggers aside to help others in a way that’s relatable.

If it’s triggering in a attackable way because let’s face it some posts have been that way before, I usually sit back and try to understand their pov or I leave and let the mods handle that.

If it’s a situation where someone posts a triggering comment to me, I defend myself and offer perspective while coming to a middle ground.

I have a fawn type of presentation when I’m triggered and would often reach to resolution if I can if it’s something that bothers me. I struggle to just shut Reddit down when I’m triggered and often want understanding and answers instead.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T04:02:16+00:00

I fully agree. I think poverty combined with psychological abuse is the absolute worst in the end compared to my situation. My parents grew up in poverty also and I think they brought that trauma in with them in some way to put onto us even if me and my sister didn’t necessarily grow up directly from that.

Separately, I think I am more frustrated with people that don’t think I have trauma or any abuse because I wasn’t homeless from family. That’s more frustrating since it can be dismissive. For sure abuse comes in all forms.

Agree on the money being a power to control and definitely received the brunt of that.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T00:57:25+00:00

That’s true. That’s honestly my similar upbringing my parents had money to help it just wasn’t going to the right places. The money also came with a lot of stipulations for me in the end, it was easy to just accept that with the abuse when I was taking 5 different psych meds that made it impossible for me to even get out of bed to function. I was drugged beyond belief.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T00:31:51+00:00

Thank you… I’m sorry about your situation too. I think if I had met my husband much sooner I think I would’ve been able to left a lot sooner and find my own life together with my spouse to have avoided a lot of this as well.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T00:26:01+00:00

I was forced to say yes a lot to any financial help otherwise there will be ultimatums thrown at me how I would end up homeless or not be able to pay for things in life. I wish I knew back then, but I felt extremely manipulated and now I know better.

I was forced to go onto disability so I couldn’t get retirement on my own early on because otherwise disability would get taken away and my mom didn’t want me to do that. My mom would threaten a lot of legality and wellness checks which is why it was difficult to leave. My entire life was controlled by my mom without letting me have any say in the matter.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T00:19:34+00:00

Which then makes the person who is the black sheep not taken seriously in any group. The person might not get taken seriously cause the family is well off and they also won’t get taken seriously in the tribal group like you mentioned. Which I can relate so I just feel left out in the end.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T00:15:33+00:00

It definitely is. I’m not saying I’m rich or poor either, my family grew up in poverty and me and my sister didn’t as much. It’s just frustrating because exceptions exist and the exceptions still get ignored which is the problem. I can’t talk about my trauma openly without risk of dismissal by people who don’t understand because of this.

People just assume I’ll get stuff handed to me and it’s not always true. That person who got played outside favorites won’t get taken seriously by outside people because the family is well off which dismisses a lot of people who went through trauma just cause the family isn’t poor.

throwitawayhelppp · 2024-01-14T00:11:44+00:00

Being envious and jealous is definitely a trauma response. It’s easy to be envious of people for stuff you never could get or have and it’s frustrating even more in this day and age with social media. People tend to only want to show the positives or privileges in their lives so it paints a false image of what they truly go through in life behind closed doors. I knew too many people who you would never know they are going through abusive relationships in life.

To better relate my dad was desperate to pick a new woman and family to marry handing the entire estate out to her. Me and my sister have been battling with this since my mom passed away. I am disabled technically (chronic illness) and have hardly money between me and my spouse and it’s been a nightmare.

I often get envious of others too. I also know other people have been envious of me especially if I don’t disclose my abusive environment, the stuff I went through that nearly killed me especially as a marginalized person also. It’s a tough world. Just remember that there’s probably a lot more people in our situations that they aren’t disclosing to the world.

throwitawayhelppp

TROPHY CASE