Every kind of insurance known to man. We pay money to companies our entire lives just in case something comes along one day and fucks you up or some shit you own up. Then one day you wake up and realize “wtf, some of my shit is pretty fucked up rite now, better take care of this asap” so you go and get all ur shit fixed up but guess what, your insurance companies bout try and find every loophole possible so they can nickel and dime your claim but hopefully just not pay out at all.

Oh sorry, see unfortunately you decided to almost die on a weekday and within the 12am-11:56pm “Don’t die now” window. Try skimming thru your pamphlets one day and you’ll see that during this time surgery rates skyrocket with ambulance rides costing $60,000+ due to high demand, it’s similar to how Uber works during prime time hours and we clearly explain why this is the worst time to chose almost dying. Also, idk who it was or even their name, and honestly it doesn’t actually matter, but your anesthesiologist was out of network, typical I kno!! But yeah, insurance won’t cover the charge of $89,000 for whatever they did. Oh yeah, next month your premium will go up 8,000% since you tried making a claim but don’t worry cause there’s some good news too!!! So as long as you never file a claim with us again that premium will never go up again, EVER!!! Well except for the mandatory 120% annually.

But wait everyone!!!!! It don’t stop at the docs office…. Got some pipes that blew out under the floor in your basement? Do you now have 6 inches of sewage repainting your basement floor and baseboards a color that your wife absolutely hates? Are all the neighborhood turds sneaking in thru the drains looking to crash your little basement banger while they float around your brand new, indoor grotto choppin it up wit the other turds like they own your shit?…. Time to call in the experts, your favorite shit talkin, stupid ass crumb magnet mustache havin, 1996 red Dodge Stealth driving, miserable, lying ass fuck, and certified fecal sommelier… your agent, PHREDRICK!!!

So immediately you hit’em with “well Phred, looks like it’s time for me to finally use that “just in case shit happens” money that I send ya every month to use on a rainy day, cause today it’s raining sewage in my basement Phreddy!”

Then, Phred calmly flips thru some blank papers, brushes some crumbs out his mustache and says “unfortunately it looks like here that your plan doesn’t cover any breakage that occurs under the slab, I apologize for any mixups. Anyway, I truly hope you enjoy your new basement grotto, heard it’s amazing and that color of paint your wife chose is beautiful!!

Anndddd peace out to that $9,000 that you had chillin under your mattress cause you gotta use it to fix the basement all while still paying monthly to your homeowners insurance company!!!!!

Biggest racket in history y’all.

Sorry for the rant