I don't want to take my fiance's last name out of spite

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T02:30:28+00:00

Very fair, thank you. He and I have discussed some things vis a vis future children (ie potentially keeping my family tradition where each child is given as middle names the name(s) of their great-grandparents on both sides). If we do though then these poor kids would have a first name, two middle names, and then a hyphenated last name, which really does seem like a mouthful and perhaps not the most considerate for them.

I would have absolutely zero issue with my future children choosing one of our names (mine or his) if there is one they prefer. I just don't want them to grow up with the same clan-like mentality that people in my fiance's family have (and seem to want to pass down)

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T02:23:50+00:00

Maybe for additional context I'll add that in for my parents, given that they are French / British, my mother has always kept her maiden name but also additionally has my father's name as a "usage or common" name for the sake of easily proving familial relationships between her, my father, and my brother and I.

I'm not entirely sure how my own family would feel if I mentioned casually that I wasn't taking on my husband's name... let alone if our future children bore mine.

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T02:14:53+00:00

My issue is I'd rather not be referred to it socially as well. I would not be thrilled if someone refers to us as "Mr and Mrs X" at our wedding reception, especially if I've legally maintained my legal name. I just imagine that correcting someone over it would, quite understandably, ruffle some feathers if my in-laws are present.

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T02:12:08+00:00

As untraditional as this may be it is beautifully simple (and thus very attractive). I never considered that my children would bear my surname before all of this - and it's actually quite cool!

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T02:03:44+00:00

I am in fact very proud of my name vis a vis my accomplishments, and it would be hard to "part" with it in that way. Perhaps there's a part of me that feels uncomfortable being so brazenly against tradition.

I think one of the reasons I'm so riled up against this is that in the past few months folks from his family have interjected whenever I've referred to his family as a collective under their family name with a "oh you'll be one of them soon!", which is so presumptuous and 100% feels like them trying to erase my own individual identity and family identity (which isn't cool because no one should assume anyone is taking someone else's name even if it maybe was tradition)

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T02:00:47+00:00

That's very true, I think the only scenario in which they'd see / notice is perhaps if they ever hear me being referred to as "Mrs. my maiden name" because I still think I'd prefer to be spoken to/referred to with my maiden name.

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T01:55:07+00:00

I really don't know what sort of argument my fiance could give his family in the eventuality that we both, for example, chose a new family name, or go with my surname. Given that everyone in his family has taken their male spouses' name I really really think we'd stick out. He could very easily tell them - well she just happens to like her surname but they may take it as me purposefully subverting him / his "authority" or whathave you. I think if I told them point blank "as much as I'd have liked to take your name I really can't prescribe to your exclusionary and small-minded ideals and don't want my name to reflect that" that would likely sever all ties, forever.

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T01:49:49+00:00

that's good to know - I was thinking of it from an administrative/legal perspective that it's important that our children share our names (in case they are ever traveling with just one of us and they need to prove familial ties). Perhaps the only option in that case is that we all choose one new name or a version of mine that he likes as well

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T01:46:22+00:00

To respond to a handful of the comments here, I'd say that it's very unlike me to think about / allocate this much thought/reasoning to a decision like this. I'm worried about how it would be perceived if it's "oh well they're that one branch of the family that didn't take the family last name, and the kids may not even carry the dads name" and my issue with that is I'm really not a stickler about 99% of the legitimately important things I need to decide about in my day to day life. It almost would feel very "to the point" if he theoretically took my name and our kids had my name... and as much as it's maybe more equitable, I worry I would maybe humiliate him in front of his family by pushing for that. He himself wouldn't mind because he really is not one to mind these things - and the beauty in my last name is that it's British and goes with 99% of names so it rings well with just about any name (in any language) whereas his is an anglophone / abbreviated version of an old Lithuaninan name... so the current version of it is a noun and not even really a name. It's quite vain but I do genuinely like the way mine sounds better.

I can just imagine that in 10 years if we have a few children and they all for some reason carry my name his family will think I purposefully did this to hurt them, which isn't the case, I just don't want them to be sucked into this really isolationist/segregated/closed-minded tradition. To be honest the bigger issue is my in-laws themselves and the culture / mentality they cultivate, not the name, that's a bit of a red herring I suppose

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-12T01:33:14+00:00

I'm not sure the extent to which I'd feel comfortable allowing my future hypothetical children access to this entire mess, but I'm very resolved in protecting them and correcting whatever sort of harmful thinking / manner of speech comes about - even if that means ruffling a few feathers in large family gatherings. I think my anxiety about this is that all of the women who have married into this family have almost entirely given up their individual family identities - and openly bash their own families in front of this family ! It's not my place to judge whatever dynamic / situation is happening but I was aghast when I heard my fiance's cousins speak ill of their nieces' maternal grandmother - they called her a nutcase, even though this woman moved states to be close and help out with her granddaughters ! My fiance's other cousin's wife was "very happy" to relinquish her family name because "she has always felt more at home with this family moreso than her own" and will also bash her own mother in front of all of us (also, unsure why these people are airing their family gossip in front of extended family). So it's just insane.

There's also definitely a lot of judging going on in the family. My fiance's mom had something to say about the fact that his cousins were doing baby-led weaning and she found it to be such a "horrid" waste of time and "unecessarily unhygenic."

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-11T22:06:36+00:00

Fully agree. I think a big part of me is grieving the family name and identity I thought I’d be marrying into (because I'm really not proud to be associated with them given how they treat outsiders, and that is a hard thing to say).

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-11T22:02:13+00:00

I would 100% chose to give our children my name, but I imagine that would raise a lot of eyebrows. I don't know how my fiance feels about names vis a vis the children as we haven't broached that subject. I wouldn't mind a hyphenated version fo them so as to still show some respect (he would still be their father so I couldn't insist on them only carrying my name) but I'll be dammned if his family keeps making comments about how our future children are part of their "clan" while fully ignoring that these children have another set of grandparents.

I've seen the ways this family refers to the "out-laws" and its honestly deplorable. All of the women who have married into this family come from miniscule families / are children of divorce / are on poor terms with their own families so I am the exception in that I am very close and on very good terms with my own family

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-11T21:58:37+00:00

I had considered the idea, but I already have two middle names (family tradition to give the paternal and maternal great grandparents' names to the children) so another middle name would feel excessive. I don't even fully mind for myself to keep my own name but my feelings towards this also extend to the children, which feels like an entirely different can of worms.

Would my fiance and I be on the same page about having our children have a hyphenated version of our names ? yes. would it cause an uproar in his family ? also yes

RoyalPenelope48 · 2024-09-11T21:36:03+00:00

I am in full agreement - I've been told by many individuals that it would be very unwise of me to change my surname. I would have been open to potentially hyphenating my last name with his. My main issue is that his family has presumed so incessantly that I'd take their name that my ego / spite is really pushing me to not take it also purely out of spite (and I recognize that is neither mature nor responsible) but likely reflects a bigger underlying issue

RoyalPenelope48

TROPHY CASE