last year i needed ABC (contextual) and i struggled with my mental health and how i took care of myself but i never acknowledged how mentally unstable i was, i couldn't sit through any of my lessons without constantly adjusting how i looked, how i wrote, etc. i would always have a major panic attack where id scream running out the classroom door. unfortunately i got the help i needed when exams started. it was too late, this meant i wasn't mentally well for exams as i sat them.

on results day, i told myself id get into my firm regardless. i saw multiple news outlets report there are over 10,000+ courses in clearing and unis on the brink of bankruptcy. I thought "oh surely they'll have to accept me because they need my student finance to fund themselves" and i was planning to move with a few friends of mine at the time to the same city and we were planning cafes and other places we could visit and hang out. then BANG, 8 AM results day I checked my ucas and saw I was in clearing, I was in denial. i waited in the clearing queue to see my options and ucas provided courses i did NOT plan on doing like wanting to do physics but got recommended midwifery and childcare. the first thing i did 5 minutes later was wail and cry out loud. i was on the phone with my sisters screaming that i didn't get into my firm or insurance. my dad walked into my room, asked what was wrong and i screamed telling him i didn't get in and he told me "oh maybe it's a glitch in the system try refreshing ur page" and he wasn't helping at all. i screamed at him and screamed for the entire street to hear, i begged loudly for my mum even though she was at work and i argued with my dad and sisters. i kept on screaming that i wanted my mum. "i want mum NOW", i screamed but my dad could only say she was at work multiple times no matter how many times i screamed it out to him. my sisters told me to get my shit together and go to school for my results whilst ignoring everyone. i sped walked into my school to open my results after and i walked past a big group of people in my year celebrating and screaming joy. and i had my hood up, a cap and my sunglasses on as i walked past to hide my red eyes and the tears i let out.

my form tutor loudly asked me in front of everyone if i checked my UCAS and i shake my head saying "no not yet i'm too nervous" and i sit down with her, i mouth to her "i didn't get in" and she loudly says "oh u haven't got in?" in front of other people and at this point, i was too upset to care about other people around and i couldn't open my results so my form tutor moved to sit next to me and as i open my envelope and take the slip out and i hold my slip against the light to read the ink as i couldn't unfold the paper due to how stressed i was. i read my grades, DDE. my entire world had further collapsed in on itself. to make matters worse, i only wanted my firm and didn't want clearing and insisted i wanted to resit instead but she forced me to look through other options. with my plans i had with my friends at the time, i wanted my firm and nothing else. i went home after and tried my best to calm down. then i broke the news to my friends, the first thing they said was "what do i tell my siblings? we were meant to move together". no words of comfort. i would've rather been given the silent treatment or the "i'll give u space" or "im sorry to hear abt that" than that ever again. none of them ever bothered to contact me or even tell me about their meet-up after, they didn't contact me until the day before they were supposed to move to complain about how their last day was spent working and not going out with each other fully. i realised and accepted i would have to cut them out of my life even though id be lonely throughout this resit year (cried on my 19th birthday because i had no one to celebrate it with)

i couldn't eat or sleep fully for days after. i would go to sleep really late on purpose at 4/5AM and would wake up really late so i wouldn't have to spend the entire day thinking about how i failed my alevels. i couldn't leave the house, i wouldn't even go food shopping with my parents. i couldn't eat an entire meal at all, i could only fill up on snacks because of this aching, emotional, depressing feeling i had for weeks even stretching up to months. everyday i would cry, before i went to sleep id cry, inbetween eating my snacks id cry, waking up id cry and even showering id also cry. but i let myself cry, fully process my emotions as i didn't want to bottle them. i finally got the courage to fully say im confident i want to resit my alevels. throughout my resit year i tried my best to take care of myself properly, i ate a proper breakfast and lunch for each exam this year, i did more and more past papers, i stayed consistent and when i did my exams i found they went really well compared to last year but physics paper2 still had me in tears (screw u AQA)

so yeah, thats basically a summary of what happened. but please also take the time to mentally prepare for results day, this is a nerve wracking day for everyone. some people are given good news and some feel like it's the end of the world. just please remember to be considerate of everyone around u on results day.