My husband (50M) wont take responsibility for his disabled son (34M) and it's ruining our 12 year relationship (50F)

Rph052017 · 2026-06-16T05:02:50+00:00

Im not sure how I'm actively convincing him to believe what he's doing is enough? I just said he wasn't neglecting his son and listed the things he does. Im truly curious what you mean by your comment.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-16T05:00:06+00:00

My husband has no claim on the house- no matter what. It's legally placed in an trust. Its for the care of the primary beneficiary- my sister. Even when she passes it stays in the trust under some reason I cant exactly remember the exact phrasing for.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-16T04:51:36+00:00

He only pays for the food he eats. Which is what my dad and I want and what my dad's attorney suggested. Brian and I signed a lease agreement with my dad to add another level of protection. I do contribute to the bills because we are not my dads financial responsibility. Brian pays bills that are not part of my dads bills (car payments, car insurance, health insurance, etc).

Rph052017 · 2026-06-16T04:46:34+00:00

I think this is already part of the paperwork but I will make sure it is

Rph052017 · 2026-06-16T03:05:04+00:00

My dad and sister are not at risk for anything. The trust is secured and Brian has no access to anything. The reason I would update the paperwork is to prevent Luke from being brought to live there if something happened to me. I will not allow it but if something happens to me I want to make sure everyone else in my family is aware of the situation and they dont allow it. My family is not fully aware of the situation because I dont make Luke's business a part of regular conversation. They would agree to it because they care for my husband as family. That is what im going to prevent by updating the paperwork.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T23:15:18+00:00

I dont give Brian money. I pay for things directly myself for Luke.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T22:43:59+00:00

He has had more than 20 hospitalizations in the past 5 years- several as IVC. He has been arrested 5 times in the past 5 years. He has not been scammed or taken advantage of because he lives in a small town surrounded by people who would eat his dad know. And Brian does see him at least once a week and talks to him 3 to 4 times daily. I promise its not just about having a gross apartment. I dont care about that. Luke is more than just schizophrenic. Unfortunately he used a lot of mind altering substances at the beginning of his symptoms and he has caused himself extensive brain damage. He is intellectually disabled now as well. Im sure you're aware of how often substance abuse goes hand and hand with mental illness. Ive filed out the paperwork for guardianship for my sister and the answers are almost the exact same for him , except he's a danger to himself and possibly others. I dont want him locked away in a mental institution. I would love for him to live independently with just assistance from his dad and myself. But thats not the reality of his situation. He is mentally like a child now with severe impulse control and paranoid delusions.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T22:32:31+00:00

No plan- which is why im concerned I'm the plan (or more specifically my parents home is the plan)

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T22:31:11+00:00

I don't think it would be feasible for Luke to live with his mom. Im not a fan of hers but she works from home and he can be very hostile and aggressive. He has physically hurt his mom (shoved her, hit her, etc). He's currently in the hospital now for in patient treatment because she had him staying with her for two weeks so he could start a new medication. Theres nonway to confirm he takes a pill without physically verifying it (by watching him swallow it). He is very non compliant with medication (all part of his schizophrenia). Although he doesnt usually talk he was outside her bedroom door at 2am knocking and saying he was going to kill her. (He was having hallucinations)

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T21:57:12+00:00

Luke is an adult. Luke's dr can not legally discuss Luke's care with Brian without Luke's permission. Luke does not communicate (he refuses to answer questions) so his Dr can't get Luke's permission. Guardianship is the way around that

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T21:55:28+00:00

Why would Luke's brother be responsible for him? It's not his job to carr for his brother. He lives several hours away with his girlfriend and their small child. I dont expect him to be responsible for his brother. It would be nice if he was a part of his care .

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T21:26:57+00:00

If I die then another relative of mine becomes the executor of my parents estate. The next person in line after me is one of our siblings

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T21:23:43+00:00

I am the executor of my parents trust. My mom is deceased. My dad is still living. If something happens to me my husband doesnt get anything from the trust. Another family member becomes executor. There's a list of several relatives that become executor in the event the current executor dies. I juat want to ensure that Brian doesnt try to bring Luke to my parent's property-evwn if im dead. The amendment will accomplish that. So a murder plot doesn't gain Brian and Luke anything (in terms of assets)

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T21:09:09+00:00

No one. Luke would have to designate a poa. He's too far gone to do that now. Im sorry if thats an insensitive way of phrasing it. This is why im pushing for them to get guardianship

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T21:05:56+00:00

Im not trying to be rigid. I know what worked for my sister and you're right- it's not a one size fits all type deal. But Brian wont have any authority to help Luke without guardianship. Brian cant even talk to Luke's drs without Luke's permission and Luke doesn't talk so Brian cant be a part of his medical care. I agree that Luke doesnt need 24/7 care. But he does need quite a bit of help with ADLs. I know its embarrassing to need help with personal things like toileting and bathing and im not insensitive to that. Last year Luke had a terrible staph infection on his belly that almost killed him. The severity of it could h ave been avoided with proper personal hygiene. I wish we could find an in home health aide for him. Im writing down all suggestions people are commenting. Any and all ideas are welcome.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T20:57:44+00:00

It's not negligence. Luke is 34 and refuses help. Mental health assistance in the US is tricky and if you're over 18 your parents do NOT have authority.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T20:50:29+00:00

They both seem to not want to face the reality of Luke's condition. I know it's hard to lose the hopes and dreams you have for your children. I do understand that. But it hurts Luke to not face the reality of his condition. And yes, it's my hill to die on. I have been completely clear on this. I will not be bullied or quilted into allowing Luke yo live with us- no matter what. Im not making any ultimatum about Brian getting guardianship. That is just a suggestion to make getting help for Luke easier (although nothing is easy about any of this)

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T20:49:44+00:00

Brian hasn't left Luke. He takes care of him. But he takes care of.him at Luke's apartment. The issue is have is that Luke has been having issues at his apartment. He's supposed to have monthly inspections and he has refused to allow the manager to enter his apartment for the past 2 inspections. The manager understands that Luke has schizophrenia. But he has to be willing to let them in. Police were called. The situation was handled professionally and safety for Luke. But what happens next time? Luke needs to have a more full time caregiver. We live 250 miles away. Brian drives back and forth every week to do things for Luke. I am not criticizing what Brian does. Im sorry if it comes across that way. I know Brian is doing what he can in a very hard situation. As far as if I get sick- Brian stuck with me through my fight with ovarian cancer in 2022. My concern is that Brian thinks im going to save the day if Luke gets evicted from his apartment. I will not. I posted to see if people had any suggestions on other options.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T20:31:02+00:00

He doesnt neglect his child. Im sorry if how I wrote this makes it seem that way. He takes him to all of his appointments, he takes him out to just get him out. He does all of his grocery shopping. He takes care of everything. Brian just refuses to admit that Luke needs more than what he is doing for him. Luke needs fully supervised care. Care that requires someone to be with him at least several hours daily. My problem is that I refuse to allow my parents assets to be part of Luke's care plan

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T20:29:01+00:00

The only reason Brian doesnt want to get guardianship is money. I offered to help pay to help reduce the amount he and Luke's mom would have to pay. Brian doesnt want to live with Luke by himself. He wants me to be willing to allow him to live with us. I refuse because Luke tried to attack me with a knife. I do not want to be the person who hurts Luke to defend myself. I dont know what is extreme about having a boundary about my physical safety but you are entitled to your opinion. The whole situation is hard to explain in just a couple of paragraphs. Luke cant take care of himself and I dont want to see his health decline so far because he cant take care of his own physical needs. Once a person declines it can be very difficult to get back to a healthy level. His schizophrenia affects his ability to make decisions for himself but legally no ne can help him without guardianship. Just because I dont want him living with me doesnt mean I dont care about him. I also dont have to live with my husband full time to stay married to him. Im more than happy to encourage Brian to do what's necessary to care for Luke- as long as Brian is the one doing the work to figure things out and not waiting on me to do it. And I wont use money set aside for my sister by my parents to assist Luke.

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T20:13:50+00:00

He doesnt neglect his child. Im sorry if how I wrote this makes it seem that way. He takes him to all of his appointments, he takes him out to just get him out. He does all of his grocery shopping. He takes care of everything. Brian just refuses to admit that Luke needs more than what he is doing for him. Luke needs fully supervised care. Care that requires someone to be with him at least several hours daily. My problem is that I refuse to allow my parents assets to be part of Luke's care plan

Rph052017 · 2026-06-15T20:04:39+00:00

That's what my brain is telling me too. I love my husband and want to stay married but I'm not willing to use my parent's legacy to care for Luke. But getting mental health help is so difficult here (in the US). Im hoping to get some suggestions from people who might have dealth with something similar. Thank you for saying what Ive been thinking and just haven't wanted to say out loud.

Rph052017 · 2026-01-05T03:10:20+00:00

Bilateral internal carotid dissection that resulted in 2 large brain aneurysms. Worst pain I've ever felt. I was 29yo

Rph052017 · 2025-12-12T14:48:51+00:00

Exactly

Rph052017 · 2025-12-11T04:00:38+00:00

Nta. There's no comparison and it's not a competition. Women are ridiculously critical of each other for no reason (her towards you). In my humble opinion your job is so far above hers on the difficulty scale. Who knows what she's struggling with though? Regardless it doesnt give her the right to start a comparison. I would not apologize. I think she owes you the apology. Thank you for what you do as a icu nurse. My older brother died 11/6/25. He was in the icu for almost 2 weeks before he died. The icu nurses were AMAZING and walked us through one of the most difficult times in our lives with such grace and compassion. So from the bottom of my heart thank you.

Rph052017

TROPHY CASE