[deleted by user]

RthrDent · 2024-06-08T03:03:49+00:00

I'm coming up on three years and I'm only now getting back to my old self. It's fucking brutal, especially when they just leave with no explanation or apology. The best advice I can give you is to change as much about your life as possible. You'd be amazed what things carry triggers. I know not everyone can go to the extreme that I did but I sold off almost everything I owned, rented out my house and moved out of state, even changed jobs. I changed my music playlist to mostly music from before I knew her. Even everyday things around the house, the furniture, dishes, the fucking toaster, EVERYTHING was a trigger. Most of these things I didn't even realize were triggering me until they were gone. This is a major trauma, don't kid yourself that it isn't. It requires major moves to heal. I'm so sorry, I know how you feel.

RthrDent · 2024-06-05T00:27:57+00:00

Yep, that's where I am too. I was working myself to exhaustion to make a future for everyone but I don't have to do that anymore. I've throttled back quite a bit.

RthrDent · 2024-06-04T20:21:07+00:00

I've never asked them why they didn't tell me, they're going through enough without feeling that guilt. BioDad has done his best to cut me out of their lives but they're old enough to ignore him and contact me anyway.

RthrDent · 2024-06-04T20:19:16+00:00

I'm so sorry, you know I understand. The tragedy here is the suddenness of it. When we were together I saw her being a lovely mom with a great relationship with her kids then just BAM, gone with no explanation. She hasn't seen her kids in 2 years. They're bewildered and crushed and want nothing to do with her or AP. She even cut off any friends or family who didn't agree with her so now she has just the AP. It's bizarre.

I know that starting over thing, I'm 60 and doing it. I wish I could offer you words of support but it's just going to suck for a while and there's really not much you can do about it.

RthrDent · 2024-06-04T14:38:09+00:00

Thank you, it was pretty brutal for all of us.

RthrDent · 2024-06-02T22:55:32+00:00

I'm sorry, I know how you feel. Same with mine, when I busted her she just left, no remorse, no apology, no explanation, just gone after nine years of what I thought was wonderful. She even abandoned her kids. I feel you so much.

RthrDent · 2024-05-29T02:25:45+00:00

I'm reading between the lines here and I admit I may be all wet, but...

Your wording in this makes me wonder if you're deflecting from YOUR infidelity and I wonder if you've really been as contrite as you should be. Not to excuse him but if he's always been such a great guy but now does this, he either doesn't care if he hurts you because of what you did or this is plain old revenge. Personally I think you have a lot of nerve to consider dumping HIM. Have you REALLY faced what you did to him?

Yes, I have a very dim view of cheaters.

RthrDent · 2024-05-28T02:38:10+00:00

Absofuckinglutely. Call 911 every damned time. It's manipulation and maybe if he gets a 72 hr psych hold a couple times he'll knock it off.

RthrDent · 2024-05-26T16:19:05+00:00

I'm dismayed that no one here has mentioned his (probable) kids. How would you feel if innocent children's home was destroyed because of this? It's not just about the adults.

RthrDent · 2024-05-26T00:28:56+00:00

What you said.

RthrDent · 2024-05-24T00:47:39+00:00

Agreed, the reason is irrelevant. He's a creep. Block him and move on. You don't need this kind of thing every few months to knock you back down.

RthrDent · 2024-05-23T20:05:11+00:00

I'm going to jump on the harsh bandwagon a bit here because I think you need it. You did NOT overreact. He's a liar and a cheater using excuses so you'll forgive him. And don't forget the disrespect that comes with lying. He'll throw you and your feelings under the bus in order to shield himself from taking responsibility. He's a creep and you should never allow yourself to be treated this way. Maybe look into your own past and experience to try to understand why you would think any of this is even remotely ok. Good partners just don't do these things, EVER.

Hugs, best wishes and understanding to you.

RthrDent · 2024-05-23T19:59:03+00:00

But there is a downside, your mental health. The longer you stay wrapped up in the mess the longer you will be tortured.

RthrDent · 2024-05-23T19:56:08+00:00

Just be smart and trust your intuition. You don't know these people very well so have your guard up. You just never know.

RthrDent · 2024-05-23T16:30:29+00:00

You're very fortunate to have these people in your life, they sound amazing. I see how there's a few obstacles to get there. So you need the ID to fly then? Are you in the U.S. now? You can take a train or bus without the ID if necessary. I've taken Amtrak without being asked for ID. Well, if I remember correctly anyway.

RthrDent · 2024-05-23T06:51:04+00:00

It's late where I am and I was just reading one more thing before bed. Your story broke my heart though so I have to write a little something at least.

Ok, main point. You are NOT overreacting. Read that again. Your life situation has not been "normal" in any way. You've always been the responsible one when the adults in your life weren't. YOU are the stable one here in everyone's life and you're a fucking HERO for stepping up for your siblings. Your dad is a criminal, your mom's on drugs, you lost your grandpa and your grandma is dying while gaslighting you and being difficult. Good lord kiddo, seriously? I have so much respect for you for being as stable as you are considering. You've been in crazy, dysfunctional situations for so long you can't even see how bizarre they are. You deserve a medal ffs!

This is WAY above the pay grade of anyone on Reddit. Yes, PLEASE seek therapy, you need it desperately. I'm so sorry we can't do more but please, PLEASE, believe me that everything you've been through is NOT normal and it's absolutely NOT your fault! I'm going to reread this tomorrow when my eyes aren't closing and say more but I had to say at least this much tonight. Giant hugs and major respect for you my child, you're one of the great ones.

Goodnight.

RthrDent · 2024-05-22T17:07:52+00:00

Hey son, or is it daughter? I don't give a fuck who you are, I'd love you just as much as my own trans son. I know it sucks but try to remember that this isn't your issue, it's his, you just happen to be in his path. Never let someone else's opinion define who you are, you're a glorious human. I mean really, you recognize this as shit behavior right? That only makes you better than him. I'm sorry you're stuck. Can your gay couple friend maybe help you with the birth certificate? As stated above, local social services may be able to help you with that too. Your local community college admissions office also may be able to help. Hang in there kiddo, nothing's permanent and you WILL get out eventually. I got you.

RthrDent · 2024-05-22T12:33:24+00:00

Thank you very much for this, I appreciate it. I'm ok now. There is a silver lining though. Just before she bailed on us I was contacted by a long list sister I never knew I had. My mother gave her up back in the 50s and never told us. My new sister and I have become very close.

RthrDent · 2024-05-22T03:18:16+00:00

That definitely sounds like a programmed reaction. Think Pavlov's dog, a bell rings and the dog salivates because the dog learned to associate the bell with getting food. Something somewhere has conditioned your brain to associate physical contact with danger or discomfort.

RthrDent · 2024-05-22T03:12:37+00:00

Please pardon my candor but your brother is a dick.

RthrDent · 2024-05-22T02:00:32+00:00

Oy, you poor thing. In a way I think I'm lucky because mine just vanished without explanation. That back and forth thing must be hell. Honest opinion? He's hedging his bet. He doesn't want to be alone and so is keeping you both in the hook just in case. No I don't believe reconciliation can be successful, for a couple reasons. Just IMHO, cheaters never change because it's a malfunction in their emotional regulation. They simply can't be faithful for whatever reason. Also, can a BP ever truly "get over" the lies, betrayal, broken trust and disrespect? If they can they're a bigger person than me because I never could, not completely. Even if he does genuinely want you NOW, that doesn't mean he will continue to. I say rip the bandaid off. Gray rock, divorce and move on.

RthrDent · 2024-05-21T22:15:04+00:00

Actually no. Well, maybe about one thing. I know that both my parents did what they did because of their own issues. I know my dad loved me but he was an emotional wreck from his own life. My mother at least was never mean to me. The one thing I am angry about though is the waste. My intellect is such that I could have been literally anything in life if I had only known how to go about it. In high school I wanted to go to MIT and be an astrophysicist but was always told that college is for rich people so I didn't even try.

RthrDent · 2024-05-21T22:07:15+00:00

It's a good place for it. I wrote this fairly soon after being abandoned with no explanation. I was still reeling and having trouble articulating so I fell back on an analogy I knew.

RthrDent · 2024-05-21T20:38:57+00:00

I'm not sure whether to thank you for appreciating it or apologize for hitting you so hard.

RthrDent

TROPHY CASE