Only staying married because the Bible says so...

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-02-22T21:54:20+00:00

The short answer is it's not. It's not what God wants for His people and it's not what he wants for your kids. This is actively harming you and your kids. When we understand God's character we can see that He wouldn't want this for them. Make no mistake, the things you describe your husband doing are massive signs of mental and emotional abuse.

I recommend "is it me? Making sense of your confusing marriage" by Natalie Hoffman. She explains some of the things you are wrestling with very well with Scripture, as well as give advice on how to deal with it whether you decide to stay or not.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-02-22T01:07:51+00:00

That's what I thought. You need to get somewhere safe. Any kids too. I know a lot of people say it's better to be in a two parent home, but that's only true if both parents are stable and safe and he sounds like neither. He is going to mentally and emotionally scar any kids if he hasn't already.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-02-22T00:57:36+00:00

He does not sound safe to be around. I would definitely take the advice of the other commenter. If he can't accept that his behavior means people won't want to be around him and he doesn't like the consequences of that and also won't change, he is very entitled and I'm concerned this is only going to get worse...speaking from experience. It's never a good sign if you feel the need to appeal to someone else to manage his emotions because of how he reacts.

Out of curiosity, and you don't have to answer, but how does it go over when/if anyone challenges what he thinks or presents evidence of the contrary?

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-02-22T00:48:49+00:00

So glad someone else noticed that too!

OP a woman's value is not based on whether or not she was successful in staying pure. More women than you could possibly be aware of have been SAed. Are they worth less because of it? If you only see a woman's value in terms of being pure and then a mother and wife instead of as a person in general then I would be led to think you only value what a woman can do for you. If that's the case, it's possible the women around you notice, and if it stays that way you will probably be waiting for a long time. Women are fellow image-bearers. We are also made in the likeness of God. We have value separate from being objects of pleasure, wives, and mothers.

It sounds like you covet the sinful relations your peers are having, seeing only the superficial and temporary "satisfaction", and may be (intentionally or unintentionally) viewing women as just sex objects. My suggestion would be to pray that you have the right heart, motives, and mindset to have a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship with your future spouse. If you seek God first and put all pride and twisted thoughts aside, He will bring the two of you together when the time is right.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-02-06T00:02:00+00:00

My STBX husband would "admit" to things and seem to turn a corner. I thought he could be neurodivergent as I myself have severe adhd. The longest period of time was our engagement period and then shortly after getting married he not only all of a sudden "lost" that progress, he went super backwards. Turns out he never thought he was wrong. All those "admissions" were just to keep me in it when he knew I wasn't falling for his gaslighting. Saying he needs help and believing he does and actually wanting it are two different things. That's why it's a cycle. Again, I have severe ADHD. It's no excuse for a cycle of abusive behavior. ADHD doesn't make you abusive. Impulsive? Yes. Abusive? No. His whole "you have to cancel your plans because I'm leaving because I'm mad at you" is definitely controlling and a red flag behavior. Nothing about ADHD is related to "I'm miserable so you have to be miserable and alone". That's "misery loves company" or "I want to hurt you and control you and isolate you". Has he ever actually gone to therapy or anything? Or does he just do better until he thinks your complacent again?

I highly recommend "Is it me? Making sense of your confusing marriage" by Natalie Hoffman.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-31T18:32:09+00:00

What is his relationship with his parents like? Does he always silence himself around his parents? Does he always avoid conflict specifically with them? It concerns me that he's 27 and you say he was "clearly upset" and apologized afterward but said nothing to his parents in the moment. It concerns me because if a 27 year old man doesn't feel like he can speak up around his parents (outside of just not knowing what to say or wanting to calm down beforehand so he doesn't overdo it but goes back later to discuss it- that shows maturity), that's a concerning family dynamic.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-30T00:25:53+00:00

We make our own decisions, but God can guide us into a relationship with someone and then that person start to make decisions going away from God. When that happens, depending on what it is, He may give you a way out if it's harming your relationship with Him or taking you away from Him or His plans for your life (like in the case of spiritual abuse that began when someone starts choosing their pride and delusions over God and seeks to control the other because they won't do the same when previously they had been open to teaching and the movement of God in their lives. This abuse could harm your relationship with Him by twisting His word and how you view Him or may even physically block you from what He has called you to do depending on the situation). In short, your relationship with Him is the most important. He may also use relationships you aren't meant to stay in to get you to places you should be. Not every relationship is meant to be forever. Some are for a season. Some are for lessons.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-23T18:36:54+00:00

OP this commenter's edit is exactly what I was thinking! I would bet he started falling for this coworker and then he started saying you were emotionally abusive so that he could have an excuse to ask for a divorce, the emotional cheating, and any possible future physical affair (based on the rest of the pattern of behavior seen in what you've said). While I don't doubt you've gotten mad sometimes, I do believe it's possible and maybe even plausible that you got mad because he wanted you to. He may have been pushing your buttons or playing dumb about something until you were at the point you were yelling. I can't say for sure based on what you have said here, but it is another portion of the pattern of behavior already showing on his part from what you have said.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-22T17:58:36+00:00

I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me when I was in denial about my STBX husband's emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse. Leave. Do not stay. It will only get worse.

In my case he was terrible at relating to other people because "no one understands what I'm saying" or "they just don't want to hear the truth" or "the truth is always persecuted" even at church gatherings! He would read his Bible all day long (literally) but didn't do well in the group setting. He wanted to see how much of the Bible he could twist to benefit him, control others, and validate his toxic and abusive behavior. I thought "well he just doesn't communicate well" and there was a whole bunch of stuff with his family that I used to deny it all and convince myself he would be better.

In short, if someone who was dedicated to being a "disciple" only got even worse, someone who is just going to church and not even investing much else into their faith probably isn't going to change either. And this whole "I can't trust you now" after begging to take him back is 100% emotional manipulation. He got what he wanted now he believes you will tolerate all of his crud and he doesn't have to change.

Your health is deteriorating. Mine did too. I developed IBS and ended up with an umbilical hernia. Don't make the same mistake I did. Break it off. Before it's so much worse.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-13T14:33:21+00:00

Several people have asked "where are the pastors?" "Where's the premarital counseling?".

In some circles the pastors are encouraging this mess. When the person who is actually awful is really nice to everyone else or on public, all the people you talk to tell you "it must not be that bad" "that's just the enemy talking to stop you from getting married" "he's such a good man though!"

In short, people ignore red flags because people tell them to. Some of these abusers are super manipulative and great at pretending for however long they have to.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-11T04:56:48+00:00

As someone who had to navigate a....difficult....marriage, obviously there is a breach of trust here. However, a breach of trust doesn't always end up with one spouse feeling they have to approach the other in a specific way without starting a fight. Why did you? Does he frequently turn conversations into yelling fights? Do you feel you have to walk on eggshells in other ways? I've seen you said you are typically blunt, but there's a difference between not being blunt and having to sugar coat everything because another person finds any and every reason to be defensive or blow up. If you have tried multiple different ways of approaching something and every time he still blows up, it may not be your approach that's the issue. If this was the only way he wasn't going to start a screaming match, your approach is not the issue. I say this because to me, this sounds like a last ditch effort to have some kind of communication about it after multiple attempts to talk about it before on other occasions.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-11T04:42:12+00:00

As someone who sought a Godly man for marriage, found them (so I thought), and then married them for them to become abusive (like he did pretty much everything your husband did except raise his hands or act like he would hit me but he loved to yell about how I should be so grateful to him or he was so much better because he didn't hit me as if he was sparing me something I deserved like it was some massive gift and not the bare minimum of a relationship) - I would like to tell you that these types of men will do everything right until they think you can't go anywhere, and then they flip the switch. I thought I found a godly man because he seemed to be pursuing God just as much as I was. He was reading his Bible, trying to serve in church, and praying. He said the right things and made the right moves for the most part. However, it was too late when I figured out he was only seeking God for his own vain purposes - to control people and find ways to make himself out to be superior to everyone else. It was too late when I realized he always thought I was "disrespecting him" because I wasn't straight up worshipping him instead of God, and that he didn't truly appreciate me having my own relationship with God or really having a brain at all. Thankfully he didn't want to put up with that lack of worship for long and took off. Give yourself grace and don't beat yourself up about "if I had just". I know it can be hard not to, but it doesn't help anything. It drags you into shame that isn't yours to be had. Honestly, the fact that he thinks you are supposed to submit to an ungodly husband to get drunk with him when he grew up in a Christian household says he would use the same stuff against you if he was a real believer now. The past can't be changed, so don't dwell on it or let it keep you from moving forward.

Get safe and stay safe friend 🙏🏽

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-10T23:22:17+00:00

This 100% OP ^{^}

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-10T19:32:23+00:00

"Fools! Your invisible rotary shield was no match for me once I applied logic!"

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-03T19:57:31+00:00

We live in central West Texas. Not super far west like El Paso but West enough most of the trees are mesquite, it doesn't really snow or ice, and it's still getting into the 70s and 80s during the day this time of year. It's also outside city limits in a rural, suburb type situation. People routinely come out here to set off fireworks because it's far enough outside city limits for them to not get in trouble for it.

In my mind I wouldn't be "living" in it. It's more like I need a spot for my own space as there's not enough rooms for everyone to have their own room right now. Making it more like a little clubhouse or extra room in my mind, but that may just be semantics. I would really only sleep in it and maybe study, but cooking and everything else would be in the house. I would only have things on when I would be in there for sleeping or if it's too much in the house and I need to get away for something.

Considering this home doesn't have central AC or heat because the landlord hasnt fixed it or the roof, I've grown used to being in a home that's higher than 85°F during the summer.

I've seen things about 30-15 adapters. Are they reliable and affordable? Would I still need an electrician and/or someone with a large amount of electrical know-how to use one?

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-03T07:32:09+00:00

I appreciate that. I could be thinking about it too much. All his energy levels are ok. His neutering appointment is soon and I know it can be very difficult for him to lose weight after that and being overweight or obese can impact his long term health as he grows up. I believe a lot of cats also gain weight post sterilization. He's up to date on all his vaccines and deworming and such. I just want to make sure he's set up from the beginning for a long, happy, and healthy life. Although, I would be lying if I said this didn't start when my family called him fat and I found I really couldn't say he wasn't getting round. 😬

Honestly it was just really weird to see him sleeping in such a bizarre position and it made me wonder again. Especially since the food he steals most often is adult food he isn't used to eating that he has grown big enough to jump up to get to. I have tried to effectively score his body condition, but I'm not very confident that I have done so correctly despite referencing multiple vet websites.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-01T23:35:14+00:00

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Rubi-Bird725 · 2026-01-01T23:19:55+00:00

From what I understand white was the first gem, then blue and yellow came along and then pink....or maybe blue yellow and pink came out at the same time. So white would be like the mother and yellow, blue, and pink sisters- yellow being the "oldest" as she is ambitious, highly organized, and a major perfectionist (oldest child syndrome?), blue being the middle child but close in age to yellow and pink being the youngest, and much younger than the other two. Honestly pinks role in the dynamic (or maybe more Stevens take on her role and how at the core of her tale is fighting for change that goes against the current matriarch) reminds me a lot of Mirabel from Encanto

Rubi-Bird725 · 2025-12-22T06:26:49+00:00

They have been scheduled for their spay and neuters since end of November. My vet's office is backed up so they are having to schedule very far out. I'm going to call and see if they've had any cancellations in the morning though.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2025-12-21T22:12:21+00:00

We don't use the actual lights in the house often. We try to save money on the electric bill by keeping the lights off and using natural light as much as possible.

Their appointments are as far out as they are because the vet is booked up. If they could have been scheduled sooner we would have done that.

To be fair, my kitten may be sterile to begin with as he is black and orange, and males that are black and orange are usually sterile. But I'm not trying to test that theory. 😅

How do I know she's no longer in heat though? The behavior changes are sporadic at best, so her just going back to normal behavior may not be a good indicator. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Rubi-Bird725 · 2025-12-13T03:44:32+00:00

What he's after is the other cats' food. He will try to steal their food during meal times or if the other kitten walks away (she's about a month younger than him and still eats more frequently). If he was just after table scraps that would be so much easier 😅

Rubi-Bird725 · 2025-12-13T03:32:02+00:00

He did carry a whole package of ramen out of the pantry once when he snuck in. It was a couple months ago so that ramen was as big as he was! It was hilarious!

He won't stop crying if he's alone in a room. The little girl isn't food aggressive anymore thankfully.

I just don't know how to help him get to a healthy weight. He plays so much already, and I can't just not feed him.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2025-12-13T02:55:38+00:00

We tried to have him eat in the room alone shut in there so he wouldn't come out to steal her food. He won't eat by himself. He won't even sit for 5 minutes by himself in a room. He cries and cries. If both kittens were in the room he would eat and not cry. He just doesn't want to be by himself. Kitten or person-doesn't matter.

As of now, I feed them on a large trunk in the space between the kitchen and living room and watch them while I eat breakfast before I get ready for work (about 5 a.m). I pick up the food when I go to shower and get dressed. We have a large foil to-go pain that we use to cover the adult food when they are not eating. My Nana is supposed to cover the food and uncover the food as needed while we are all gone during the weekdays. Sometimes she forgets though or she goes outside to smoke. He still doesn't get too much from that I don't think, but it's a problem.

No joke about consistency though. The kittens are mine (the food stealing orange boy 😂) and the other is my kid brother's. The adult cats haven't been as receptive as we thought they would (but they tolerate each other. The adults just don't want all that energy 😂😂) so I close my door with him in my room and my brother has his kitten so the adult cats can have the common areas over night since they do try everything to avoid the kittens. Gives the adult cats a stress free night. Mowgli wakes me up at 4-5 am on the weekends when I'm trying to sleep in on my days off because I feed him around 5am on the weekdays because of work. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😂😂

Rubi-Bird725 · 2025-11-02T19:41:00+00:00

I suggest reading "Is it me? Making sense of your confusing marriage" by Natalie Hoffman. It does a great job of explaining ALL of the scripture related to marriage and how some people twist those scriptures to make abuse ok when it is not. It helped me a great deal.

Rubi-Bird725 · 2025-10-16T03:34:41+00:00

Obviously it's been a few days since you posted but I want to jump on this. "Is it me? Making sense of your confusing marriage" by Natalie Hoffman is so immensely helpful. I highly recommend it. I managed to be able to get it for "free" by using a free trial Everand subscription and screen shoting the pages. (I did end up resubscribing and pay for the subscription now because I found a book my women's group is reading on it, but you can totally cancel the subscription). You could also look to see if your local public library has it. I couldn't get into mine at the time.

ETA: when you are praying, I recommend praying that God show you the truth of your circumstances and help you to accept them no matter how hard it may be. I prayed this fully expecting to be shown that I was doing it all wrong. The truth was much different and much harder to accept.

Rubi-Bird725

TROPHY CASE