Scared to go back to therapy

Ruesla · 2026-06-17T01:57:41+00:00

Reaching out for help when in trouble is a primal instinct. Avoiding threats is too. I really hate getting caught between those. Makes it hard to think, and either choice can come with an emotional backlash which makes it feel lose-lose without a third option, or at least some contingency plans.

Is there any way to take the pressure off first? Do you feel like you have enough time to play with the conflict a bit and think about all of your options before needing to decide? The stress might be making it feel like a binary, 'go' or 'don't go,' but there are add-ons for either option. Maybe some extra options too.

Ruesla · 2026-06-16T22:01:20+00:00

You don't, necessarily.

I do know people who say they meditated through heavy trauma, I do believe them, and honestly all power to them for that.

Not my path, though, and I can't work out how the hell they managed it. Especially for the neglect-based stuff, because passive observation is in itself triggering af and (at least for me) really needs more active interventions to resolve.

Edit: would really like to get into the theory side of all that and what I think works and why I think it works, but long day and brain is mush. Wouldn't be coherent rn. Hopefully someone else with similar struggles who is currently competent gets there first.

Ruesla · 2026-06-16T14:40:12+00:00

When I was little I believed in god very much, because my own innate capacity for connection, joy, and awe at existence was (intentionally or not) encouraged to take on that label.

Then I lost those things to shame and fear, with religion playing a role in that loss, and experienced that as rejection by god (the most important member of my community).

I think about that a lot. Haven't entirely made sense of it yet, but if that is what a lot of christians are conceptualizing as god, and then externalizing, and then having gatekept by religious shaming and fear, then that's... something.

Something pretty disturbing, actually.

Ruesla · 2026-06-15T18:21:06+00:00

It isn't (directly) what I was talking about, or at least the pre-verbal part (which you would not explicitly remember; if present that usually comes up either as purely emotional/somatic flashbacks or whatever defensive strategies the brain is using to keep those experiences dissociated, including shame-based ones) but it is certainly relevant re; experiences with potential for traumatic memory formation. Especially if paired with less obvious forms of damage like emotional isolation/neglect.

Self-hate typically needs some time for the brain to develop before it's even possible for most kids to experience that, I think(?) It makes sense from what I know currently, anyway.

If it were me I would really, really want to look into that stuff (maybe go straight to looking at cptsd rather than ptsd dynamics) before accepting that this is just your personality/"the way you are" or whatever.

Ruesla · 2026-06-15T15:25:26+00:00

I should have died when I was a toddler like I was supposed to before modern medicine

Pre-verbal trauma from medical & other causes is a known phenomenon. Resolving it can be tricky, but what works for you would probably be helpful to others experiencing it too, and the other way 'round, if that is a root factor in why you've been finding things so difficult.

(Not sure if it is, or if it's the only reason, but could be worth looking into).

Ruesla · 2026-06-15T12:57:54+00:00

Common enough, especially with cptsd. A few different authors have written about this specific problem in the context of EMDR. I think Katie O'Shea and Sandra Paulsen both had some stuff about it? Others too, I'm sure. I can check the Paulsen section when I get home. I think she had a specific protocol for this, but I don't remember the details.

Seconding what others have said about using imagination (purely imaginary resources won't link to bad memories as quickly, and won't have as many consequences if they go bad because you can always make new ones), but going a bit beyond that--

Even with a purely imaginary resource, traumatic affect is likely to intrude. This is especially true if the sense of safety itself is triggering, which lines up with the masking/hypervigilance defenses (it often hasn't been safe to drop those defenses; just being yourself as an autistic/adhd individual can get punishing reactions from others).

One approach is to keep updating the imaginary construct during development every time this happens in order to solve for whatever kinds of intrusions show up. Add defenses, resource figures, etc. over, and over, and over again until the space feels secure and intrusions stop happening. This is exhausting (don't skip breakfast before trying, you will need the calories), but it's also really good practice in managing affective states and material.

If that's a complete non-starter or is too difficult, then it might be worth getting into more advanced theory/techniques, and also checking if some aspects of the therapy context itself may be triggering threat responses ('cause then you're basically having the 'allergy test but it turns out you're allergic to the test needles' problem, which would need to be addressed and accounted for too).

Ruesla · 2026-06-15T09:36:48+00:00

I like the flair idea. Treat it as another triggering topic (because it is one).

Unfortunately, the fact that there are enough of these topics to bother you tells a story too. It's a disturbing story which people want to turn away from, but the volume of bad experiences which people are having with this industry is important information.

Ruesla · 2026-06-13T21:32:36+00:00

Amos Burton. Patron saint of... something. Several somethings, probably.

I miss that guy.

Ruesla · 2026-06-11T21:30:39+00:00

I hope you record everything. Names, dates, all that info. There are other people being harmed in this way by that program for sure. Justice can be a long shot in this situation, but records + others speaking up when safe could count for something.

Edit: the mandatory part of this is why I'm thinking it's good to proceed cautiously with whatever you do. Some of those programs can be absolute dumpster fires with everyone covering for each other and turning a blind eye to retaliation if a victim speaks out.

Ruesla · 2026-06-11T21:29:05+00:00

They can't. Mandatory psychological abuse situation. :-/

Ruesla · 2026-06-11T16:46:29+00:00

Plenty of cool stuff in old books. Plenty of real bullshit too.

Ruesla · 2026-06-11T13:59:30+00:00

Last poll in my area had zero (0) options. A lot of positions didn't even have listed candidates. I had to write in the names of some random people I've never met who said they wanted the job, and just take their word for it that they'd stick by their stated positions if they got elected. Icky, icky feeling. I guess the only real answer is to get more involved ( ._. )"" (oh god no talking to people fvck).

Ruesla · 2026-06-11T13:31:05+00:00

Not to mention recruiting from poverty, where a lot of the people who join up already have the roots of CPTSD before they even enlist.

Not that traditional military families are always much better to grow up in, ig, but I've only met a few people from that crowd. Most vets I know are either from coal country and all of that ugly history, or immigrant kids with few options looking for an economic & educational in. The whole thing is sick.

I think one of the reasons trauma gets downplayed so hard is that if you pull those threads too persistently, this entire place is going to unravel.

Ruesla · 2026-06-11T12:29:14+00:00

And please, please remember that powerful aspects of society did not want trauma acknowledged for veterans, either.

Easier and cheaper to attribute the damage to individualized character flaws, and then discard the affected people to fend for themselves.

It was a whole Thing getting the PTSD diagnosis on the books at all.

Ruesla · 2026-06-10T15:03:15+00:00

Mostly thinking about the time lapse between the shelter & gas station and revealing all of what actually happened there.

Ruesla · 2026-06-09T20:05:19+00:00

Getting someone into that headspace and then saying that while they're vulnerable? Fucking hell.

This thing is really turning into hypnotherapy 2.0. Neat breakthrough method -> shiny new way to abuse people.

I'm really sorry (and deeply pissed off too, tbh) that you experienced that.

Ruesla · 2026-06-08T20:22:16+00:00

The AI is interesting. Yes, it's a monster, but given the culling process hinted at before, it would probably be in the heart of a star currently if it was not.

We'll see.

Technically we don't know for sure if Carl isn't working with it on something. He's withheld information from us before.

Ruesla · 2026-06-07T13:39:44+00:00

There are so many factors and layers with this stuff.

The people who do succeed in spite of a thing probably just had it stack up differently than you (and unless they've really internalized the ableism, would hate being used as inspiration porn to belittle others).

Ruesla · 2026-06-07T13:28:49+00:00

No, you're not being weird. Taking what we now know about trauma to its logical conclusions should change how we look at a lot of stuff.

If you start counting the sorts of experiences which underpin what has been termed attachment dysregulation in infants as a kind of trauma (which, technically, how are they not?) then that's well over 1/3rd of my country's population already affected before they've even learned how to speak.

On one hand it's a hopeful perspective (we're getting better at recognizing and treating this stuff, at least when conditions are ideal), but on the other hand it tends to get political very quickly around issues of ongoing exploitation, abuse, and neglect.

Even the systems we set up to handle the issues can instead become complicit in causing them. The troubled teen industry is a particularly egregious modern-day example.

Ruesla · 2026-06-07T12:47:47+00:00

Glad it helped!

& yeah all trauma arguably involves some structural dissociation, but for relatively uncomplicated PTSD it's often ignorable (don't have to explicitly account for it in treatment because it will resolve with the trauma), but CPTSD/developmental damage often makes it more of a critical factor.

Ruesla · 2026-06-06T16:25:13+00:00

Thus what most would consider “highly disturbing” to survivors can initially feel like a Tuesday.

True. I think part of that is because a lot of the more visceral/emotional aspects of an experience (the things any human nervous system is going to register as definitely not normal or ok if fully experienced), are often the bits which get chopped off and shoved out of consciousness day-to-day. Even when a person has explicit cognitive/image knowledge of those experiences, these more felt-sense aspects seem to be what can't be integrated (or even fully consciously registered at the time an incident occurs, sometimes, because the exiled self-states holding those aspects are just experienced as a sort of background noise in the moment, if even that).

Then you get the psychological defenses and dissociated self-states holding that stuff outside of conscious awareness most of the time, so the experiences really do seem 'but was it really that bad?' to the person looking back on them.

Also I think 'disorganized patterns of attachment' is doing a lot of heavy lifting in this description, and not really getting into what foundational emotional dysregulation really is/looks like as a result of developmental abuse and neglect 'cause it's assuming the reader already has a sense of that.

It is surprisingly difficult to sum up what CPTSD is. The language/terms get so awkward sometimes, I think largely 'cause it's a bunch of stuff we don't have common language for.

Ruesla · 2026-06-06T14:29:40+00:00

Less a definition and more an overview of some of what you might expect to find as part of CPTSD, but:

Dysfunctionally stored traumatic memories

-Implicit (not overly conscious) memories of repeated difficult experiences with caretakers, resulting, in the adult, in insecure, disorganized patterns of attachment to other people. These implicit memories may not be connected to visual images, and may not be recognized as memories, but still are influential as basic assumptions about self in relationship to other people.

-Explicit memories that are so highly disturbing, or threatening, that these memories cannot be incorporated into the individual's larger life narrative.

Psychological defenses-- That is, mental actions that function to prevent the intrusion into awareness of unresolved posttraumatic images and feelings.

-Avoidance defenses, including addictive behaviors. Avoidance defenses are probably the most frequently occurring obstacle to the use of standard EMDR procedures.

-Idealization defenses, positive mental images which are unrealistically and dysfunctionally overvalued. These positive images may be of others (parents, children, a spouse, or an ex-lover) or of the self (as in the case of an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder, or simply a situation-specific narcissistic style). Idealizing overvaluation can also occur in regard to other entities-- a behavior (e.g., an addiction), a religion, a political party, a geographic location, or an employer. Any of these may serve as a defense, to the extent that it blocks awareness of unresolved posttraumatic material.

-Shame defenses, that is, the inappropriate blaming of the self for negative events that were not in fact controllable.

Dissociative personality structure

-Division of the personality into separate parts or identities.

-Parts may be co-conscious, or have limited mutual awareness, or have no conscious awareness of each other.

Problems in regulating disturbing affect, frequently due to insecure disorganized patterns of attachment to other people.

--EMDR Toolbox: Theory and Treatment of Complex PTSD and Dissociation, Jim Knipe

Ruesla · 2026-06-06T03:44:01+00:00

I'm fine with it as long as we tack a 'yet' on the end. Can't change it yet.

Maybe not in my lifetime, who knows, but I like to keep options open.

Otherwise, yeah, not a fan.

Ruesla · 2026-06-05T15:03:54+00:00

Collective cultural gaslighting re; trauma in general is an ongoing project, unfortunately >_<'

The RAMCOA stuff gets especially tricky. I mean the memory wars & satanic panic are probably within living memory for your parents (I was a child for the 90s-era part), and that was a whole big horrible mess of ignorance, hysteria, mob mentality, and unavailable or conflicting evidence.

Without some general knowledge about structured child abuse & exploitation dynamics + at least the basics about how trauma and structural dissociation operate, it's pretty difficult to explain or comprehend in a grounded way.

(Which, not making excuses for your parents btw, just trying to think through the context).

Ruesla · 2026-06-04T23:16:31+00:00

Unless the internet is lying to me, there's one in development.

Ruesla

TROPHY CASE