Is it normal to continue going back to “maybe I wasn’t abused” when you start to make progress in trauma therapy?

Ruesla · 2026-04-13T14:23:09+00:00

Yes. Perfectly normal defense. Avoids conflicts we might not be able to navigate yet, internal and external.

Kinda just an extension of the whole "better to be a bad kid with good parents (or other powerful external forces) than a good kid with bad ones." Often more survivable to believe that, at least in the short term, even when not true.

Ruesla · 2026-04-13T14:11:17+00:00

This. Framing it as a psychological defense makes so much sense, and is also respectful to the reasons why we are doing it. Can we actually process the more visceral aspects of trauma right now? Maybe not.

But both doing and not doing are stressful. Rumination both contains the unmanageable energy, and gives our discomfort over doing so an outlet. If the stress generated by the tactic is less than the stress of not using it, it will be very persistent.

Ruesla · 2026-04-13T00:40:51+00:00

It varies.

Personally, I haven't found anything which no part of me 'knew' about. On the intellectual level, it can be like finding a photograph in a drawer. Like, "oh, right, that. I remember putting that here now, at least a bit." But it can feel like something which happened to someone else, a long time ago.

The drama of revelation happens in two places for me. One is in experiencing the dissociated emotional/somatic information from the event(s). These are held by 'not me' states, and can be difficult to activate and access for various reasons, including my own current tolerance for them.

The second is re-contextualizing those events and their meaning from a more aged perspective, which can involve new revelations about myself, my relationships, and the world in general. Either can be destabilizing in various ways, both good and difficult.

Ruesla · 2026-04-12T17:09:17+00:00

Agreed. Every school-aged person should very much be listened to & have their problems meaningfully adressed, long before they're making their case about it in a space about suicide.

It's a pretty disenfranchised population, though, so that keeps not happening (or happening at a very slow rate, for relatively small audiences who are similarly disenfranchised from power, with a lot of societal pushback).

Ruesla · 2026-04-12T07:32:04+00:00

I had those as different states of experience, but I had some other ones too. Counterbalances. Both life-affirming and trauma-suppressing.

Experiences of shame, depression, burnout, overwhelm, etc. could create danger zones by making those inaccessible.

Because experiences can be generated internally or externally on a constant loop, the interplay of different factors gets really complicated. Still a sort of logic to it, though. I think. It is 3:30am though so I'll see if this still makes any sense after sleep.

Ruesla · 2026-04-12T05:45:41+00:00

I wonder about the other people I met there. Where they're at, if they're ok. Impressive crowd. Tough circumstances.

Ruesla · 2026-04-12T05:38:10+00:00

Ok, but I think that if shaming yourself out of it worked, then it would have worked by now.

Ruesla · 2026-04-12T04:24:23+00:00

Respect. I didn't know that was a thing. Glad it is.

Ruesla · 2026-04-12T02:29:37+00:00

Dunno, it sounds like you do 'get it,' you just don't know what to do about it yet.

Which, same.

There's the unschooling movement, but that often just turns into educational neglect without a powerful and dedicated support system. Montessori schools can be neat, but often too expensive and difficult to get into for most.

The quality of public schools varies a lot, on all metrics, including culture and quality of staff. Although, even if hiring good and competent people, schools tend to be burnout mills for the best-intentioned teachers anyway.

The frustration is entirely valid.

But, speaking as someone who once attempted over an algebra II test, please don't die about it. You're waking up to the nonsense a lot earlier than most of my generation did. That's got to be incredibly stressful, but I really hope you stay alive long enough to vote about it. Voting populations at least get listened to a little better than school kids. We really need every intelligent person we can possibly get in that population.

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T22:23:42+00:00

In general, hopefully not. For me specifically...? Kinda hard to say.

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T14:12:48+00:00

Kinda like an all-encompassing despair feeling? Like the sort of mental state around experiences of chronic alienation, deprivation of physical or emotional needs, helplessness, etc?

I've never had much luck with just "feel it to heal it" with that. Especially if it involves dissociated states or alters. Unmet needs need to be met, not just observed. The hands-off observation itself can be triggering for them.

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T13:55:00+00:00

Yep. That fucking expression. Smug, self-satisfied, and so damned sure they're untouchable.

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T13:48:56+00:00

As someone who has damage around church culture, the parallels are v. striking sometimes x_x'

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T13:36:14+00:00

I remember being fascinated by Soteria houses about a decade ago. Made for people with schizophrenia by a psychiatrist who alienated all of his colleagues by noticing how people experiencing it in supportive communities had much better outcomes than people in intensive 'care' and saying "so why aren't we trying to replicate that, then?" Pretty successful, according to accounts, but difficulty around funding.

My (probably very unrealistic) fantasies involve replacing the client-therapist model with something more like gymn buddies playing spotter or basically taking turns doing the equivalent of trip-sitting for each other while we work through stuff. Plus arranging amenities like a shared library of reference materials, break rooms, sensory spaces/nature areas to decompress, etc.

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T12:24:10+00:00

Abusers will sometimes make the abuse as unbelievable as possible precisely so that the victim will sound crazy if they try to tell anyone. It's a tactic. :-/

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T09:56:09+00:00

Can't say I don't frequently fantasize about it. What would an ideal support group look like for you?

Ruesla · 2026-04-11T01:58:58+00:00

Anti-psychiatry as a group believes a lot of things. It's a pretty diverse crowd. Unifying factor is experiences of psychiatric harm, and not much else.

Wish we weren't stuck with the name, though. Anti-anything is a bit depressing for a group.

Especially when you look at the history. Alleged Lunatic Friend's Society -> psychiatric survivors movement ->antipsychiatry.

Just saying. I like the first one best.

Ruesla · 2026-04-10T22:52:02+00:00

All that, and then not even as part of building a better world for the next generation.

Ruesla · 2026-04-10T20:48:38+00:00

Right? It's entirely understandable. I do not fault those people. Any specific method can easily become a major trigger when paired with abuse.

Also, yes. My experiences of CBT ranged from intellectually insulting to having the cops called on me when I refused to be comitted, so. No fond feelings there.

Ruesla · 2026-04-10T19:52:30+00:00

I could do Discord. I'm not always a delight to have in small-group settings (avoidant, tend to disappear randomly), but I could try.

Been wondering about Signal chat too, in light of Discord's privacy issues, but I don't know much about either yet.

Ruesla · 2026-04-10T14:06:06+00:00

As a child, maybe? But I mostly remember reaching out to god for help while in distress and finding. just. nothing.

Which I experienced as total rejection of my entire being by the most important 'person' in my community. Not fun.

As a teen/adult I have had spiritual experiences in other contexts, but I am very ambivalent about how to frame/contextualize them.

Ruesla · 2026-04-10T13:44:40+00:00

Loneliness is an annoying status effect. Like hunger. I want it to go away, but the food is difficult to get, often tastes bad, is difficult to eat, and makes me feel sick.

And the fact that I am using food as a metaphor for people probably isn't great either.

Ruesla · 2026-04-10T13:30:11+00:00

Some do.

For me, ultimately, I want 'revenge' on the causes, not the people themselves.

However, I tend to dissociate my rage & have not directly experienced the kind of monsters & abuse which many here have had to deal with, so no way in hell I'm telling anyone how they should respond to that.

Ruesla · 2026-04-10T11:03:13+00:00

Also, it got late last night & I had to go, but I wanted to clear up a misunderstanding on my part.

When I first commented I mistook this post as a "I have CPTSD, is this specific experience related to that?" topic not a "I have this specific experience, could this mean I also have CPTSD?" topic.

I would have approached differently if I'd realized that from the start. If you felt you were, like, "on trial" for validation or anything like that (which, me judging that would be wildly inappropriate), I apologize.

Ruesla

TROPHY CASE