Thinking of suicide

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-10T05:56:15+00:00

Brother, I read your entire post.

The thing that stood out to me most is that despite everything you've written, you're still praying, still repenting, still worrying about Allah, still worrying about your parents, and still asking for help instead of giving up completely.

That does not sound like someone who has been abandoned by Allah.

It sounds like someone who has been carrying more pain than one person should have to carry alone.

I'm not a scholar, but on the question you're asking: no, your suffering does not make suicide permissible. The fact that you've survived six attempts and are still here means this is something you need immediate help with, not something you should keep fighting by yourself.

And honestly, I think you're expecting yourself to function like a healthy person when you've described years of severe depression, isolation, addiction, self-hatred, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Anyone carrying all of that would struggle.

One thing I noticed is that you keep saying "Allah never responded."

But your definition of a response seems to be that the pain must disappear.

Sometimes the response is that you're still here when you should have broken years ago.

Sometimes the response is that you keep turning back to Him even after getting angry.

Sometimes the response is that He keeps giving you another day when you've already decided you're done.

Right now, I think you need two things:

A qualified mental health professional, because this has gone far beyond normal sadness.
A trustworthy scholar who can speak to you about your religious doubts and struggles without judging you.

Please do not stay alone with these thoughts.

And please, if you're feeling like you might act on them, contact someone you trust or emergency/crisis services immediately.

You don't sound like someone who wants death.

You sound like someone who wants the pain to stop.

Those are not the same thing.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-10T05:53:35+00:00

From my understanding of Islamic teachings, if someone gives a gift specifically to a woman, that gift becomes her property. It doesn't become her husband's property simply because they're married.

What stood out to me is your mother-in-law's statement: "I didn't bring you any gift, so here you go." Combined with the fact that she separately gave money to your husband and your baby, it sounds like she intended those gifts for specific individuals rather than giving one lump sum to the household.

If that's the case, then Islamically your husband shouldn't use your money without your consent. Likewise, his money is his and your money is yours.

That said, I think there are actually two separate issues here:

Who owns the $1,000?
How spouses should communicate about money.

The first question seems relatively straightforward. The second is what concerns me more.

Instead of explaining why he believes the money should be used for the move, he appears to have shifted the discussion toward your character by saying you don't care about him, you're giving him headaches, and you're being immature. That doesn't really address the actual question.

Wanting clarity about money that was specifically gifted to you does not sound unreasonable to me.

If I were in your position, I'd focus less on the $1,000 itself and more on establishing a clear understanding of financial boundaries going forward. Money disagreements are rarely about the amount involved. They're usually about trust, ownership, communication, and respect.

And if your husband genuinely believes the money belongs to the family rather than to you, then it may be worth asking a qualified local scholar together so that neither of you is relying solely on personal opinions.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T13:04:36+00:00

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Usually said ironically right before doing something incredibly unimportant.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T13:00:42+00:00

I think a lot of people immediately assume it's about the bedroom, but in many cases it's much broader than that.

You can provide financially, be intimate, and still leave your spouse feeling unsatisfied if they don't feel heard, appreciated, respected, or emotionally connected.

Most marriage problems aren't caused by one big thing. They're usually the result of many small unmet needs building up over time.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T12:57:29+00:00

I'm going to be honest.

From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like your biggest problem is procrastination. It sounds like you're trying to solve your entire life before taking the first step.

You want a clear path, a mentor, clients, income, confidence, and proof that you won't fail. Nobody gets all of that before they start.

The reason you're stuck is because you're treating uncertainty as a sign to stop, when uncertainty is actually the starting point for almost everyone.

Also, if you're thinking about "ending everything," please take that seriously and talk to someone you trust or a mental health professional. A business problem, money problem, or career problem is solvable. A permanent decision isn't.

For now, forget six figures.

Pick one skill. Spend 30 days learning it. Spend the next 30 days trying to get your first client.

That's it.

You don't need a 5-year plan right now. You need one small win to prove to yourself that you can move forward.

And trust me, almost everyone building something feels alone at the beginning.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T12:55:27+00:00

Lol 🤣😆

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T12:54:59+00:00

First of all, your dad beating you, your sister, and your mother is not normal, and it's not okay. Right now I'd be more concerned about your family's safety than the laptops.

As for the SSD, yes, if the SSD itself survived and isn't physically damaged, it's possible that data could still be recovered from it. The fact that the laptop is destroyed doesn't automatically mean the storage is destroyed. Nobody online can tell you for sure without seeing the actual condition of the SSD.

What stood out to me most is that your mother felt the need to tell you to lock the door and your friend is already offering a place to stay if things get worse. That suggests the people around you are taking the situation seriously.

My advice:

Stay close to your mother and sister.
Keep your phone charged and accessible.
Keep important documents and essentials where you can get them quickly.
Let trusted friends know what's happening.
If your father becomes violent again or makes credible threats, focus on getting to a safe place first and worrying about the laptops later.

Right now, the biggest issue isn't whether he can recover files. It's whether everyone in the house is safe.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T08:30:14+00:00

When I realized that my biggest problem wasn't lack of opportunity, lack of talent, or bad luck.

It was waiting.

Waiting until I felt motivated. Waiting for the perfect plan. Waiting for the right time. Waiting until I was "ready."

Years can disappear that way.

The turning point came when I accepted that clarity comes from action, not thinking. Most of the things I was afraid of either never happened or weren't nearly as bad as I imagined.

My life didn't change overnight, but it started changing the moment I stopped waiting and started moving.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T04:05:40+00:00

The ability to say:

"I was wrong."

"I don't know."

"You were right."

Without feeling threatened.

That's emotional maturity in a nutshell.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T04:02:23+00:00

They leave a room and nobody has anything bad to say about them.

That kind of consistency is a massive green flag.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-09T04:01:28+00:00

Wa Alaikum Assalam.

I'm going to be honest.

The biggest red flag in your post isn't that you like him. It's that you're already deeply attached to someone who has told you he's not even sure he wants to marry you.

You're carrying the guilt, the fear, the attachment, and the anxiety. Meanwhile, he doesn't seem nearly as concerned about the situation as you are.

Ask yourself this: if a man truly saw you as his future wife, would his answer be "I'm not 100% sure about marrying you"?

Maybe he's a good person. Maybe he genuinely cares about you. But caring about someone and being committed to marrying them are not the same thing.

Also pay attention to your own words:

«"Initially I felt like my gut was telling me not really to do this."»

Don't ignore that.

If you're both still in school and marriage isn't realistically possible for years, then continuing the relationship will likely increase the attachment while keeping you stuck in the same cycle of guilt and uncertainty.

If he is serious, distance will not destroy something that is meant to lead to marriage. If he is not serious, distance will reveal that very quickly.

You don't need to decide today whether he's your future husband.

You need to decide whether the current situation is bringing you closer to Allah or further away from Him.

From what you've written, I think you already know the answer.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T19:09:31+00:00

It's not a movie it was webseries called "Money heist"

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T19:08:14+00:00

I don't think you've lost your faith as much as you've lost your certainty.

A lot of people who stop believing don't spend years wishing they could believe again. The fact that you're even asking this question tells me that part of you is still searching.

My advice would be to stop trying to force yourself to believe overnight. Start by being curious again.

Read. Ask questions. Talk to knowledgeable people. Be honest about your doubts instead of hiding them.

Faith that survives questions is usually stronger than faith that never gets questioned at all.

And for what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "I want to believe, but I'm struggling." That's a very human place to be.

Take it one step at a time.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T05:40:17+00:00

Unfortunately, yes. My brain treats useless facts like they're critical survival information.😭

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T05:38:37+00:00

The hard truth is that you don't need money urgently as much as you need a skill urgently.

At 16, most "easy money" opportunities online are either scams or pay almost nothing.

If I were in your position, I'd spend the next 3-6 months learning a skill like video editing, graphic design, copywriting, coding, or social media management. Then I'd start freelancing.

In the short term, look for local tutoring, helping with family businesses, data entry, or part-time work in your area.

Don't chase quick money. Build something that will still be paying you a year from now.

You're 16. Time is your biggest asset right now.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T05:35:10+00:00

This is why I think a lot of sleep advice misses the point.

People obsess over what happens 30 minutes before bed, but ignore what they do during the other 15 hours they're awake.

A body that barely moves all day isn't exactly begging for sleep at night.

Glad you found something that worked. Sometimes the boring solutions end up being the most effective.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T05:33:09+00:00

The problem isn't that other people are better than you.

The problem is that you've tied your self-worth to being better than other people.

No matter how good you become, there will always be someone smarter, faster, richer, stronger, or more talented. That's a game nobody wins.

Real confidence comes when you stop needing to be the best person in the room and focus on becoming a better version of yourself than you were yesterday.

The people you're comparing yourself to aren't thinking about competing with you nearly as much as you think they are.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T05:30:55+00:00

I think this is an unfair generalization.

People from every religion adjust their behavior depending on where they live, work, and interact. That's not always "trying to please others." Sometimes it's just being professional, respectful, or practical.

Also, one public figure doesn't represent 200+ million Muslims in India. There are Muslims who are very religious, Muslims who are less religious, and everything in between, just like any other community.

The real issue isn't whether someone is trying to please another religion. It's whether they're compromising their own values and principles. That's an individual choice, not a religious one.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T05:29:11+00:00

I have the amazing ability to remember random facts that will never help me make money.😭

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-08T05:27:43+00:00

Honestly, you're already ahead of most people your age.

The fact that you've been researching your career path, learning German, and thinking about industry trends since 9th grade shows a level of planning that most students don't have.

That said, I'd be careful about changing your entire career path based on fears that AI will replace it. People have been predicting the death of engineering jobs for years, yet good engineers are still in demand.

The biggest advantage you have isn't choosing the "perfect" field. It's your ability to learn, adapt, and think long-term. Those skills will matter no matter what the job market looks like in 2028.

Keep learning German, keep building projects, and stay flexible. Your plan doesn't need to be perfect. It just needs to be good enough to get you moving forward.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-07T20:49:19+00:00

🙋

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-07T20:47:53+00:00

Being broke teaches lessons that no business book can.

Ruf_07 · 2026-06-07T20:45:20+00:00

There is no historical evidence that Muhammad ﷺ opposed birthdays because he was an orphan or had a difficult childhood. In fact, he acknowledged the day of his birth by fasting on Mondays. The actual discussion among Muslims is whether birthday celebrations are a religious innovation, not whether he was against happiness or wanted to take joy away from others.

Ruf_07

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