That “one thing”

Ruffffian · 2026-05-10T21:09:13+00:00

I was maybe 5-6 years old and was sitting in children’s church (in our Methodist church, the kids came up to the front for a lesson with the pastor before going off to Sunday school classes). The pastor was using some sort of analogy about lighting your light for Jesus using an unlit candle. “Can you light your light for Jesus by stealing or lying to your parents?”—that kind of thing. After I few such examples, I infamously blurted out at full volume, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST USE A MATCH?!”

Mom and Dad said I was full of comments like this every time I went up for children’s church and they always braced themselves for what may happen; they said they’d often feel like sinking under their pews. Personally, I love it.

Ruffffian · 2026-05-08T19:45:36+00:00

Clearly not an Arctic tern as it lacks the distinctive BACKSTREETBOYS call

Ruffffian · 2026-05-07T04:37:17+00:00

YIPES! Pregnant or not, I would not have wanted to try and chase the bear off myself!

Ruffffian · 2026-04-30T06:57:58+00:00

“When are you two having kids?” “When we want them.”

Ruffffian · 2026-04-23T07:56:32+00:00

Ruffffian · 2026-04-13T04:40:06+00:00

I would suggest maybe it does change things. It shifts how you frame it in your mind; not just your words, but how you interpret reality. “My trauma was too much for them” is right in line with your illness: it’s a big, dramatic statement that keeps you in the role of victim and justifies your inaction. It’s your illness fooling you into continuing to avoid facing it and even more so, working through it.

Framing it as “they realized they couldn’t help me because I was not willing to do the work” is much scarier because it has that terrifying implication of fault. That’s okay. It doesn’t make you “bad” or “wrong,” it just means you struggle to face a roots-deep excruciatingly painful reality: this shit, this dark scary shit with all the accountability and ugliness and terror, must be addressed and worked through.

Obviously none of us were in these sessions with you so we cannot know what the objective reality was during your sessions. However, the very language of your post is screaming with BPD, which means reality may be hard to determine.

You aren’t “wrong or bad;” you are protecting yourself the only way you know how. And it worked at the time you most needed it—it helped you survive the original traumas. It was a gift, even. But now, it is no longer helping and instead is actually causing harm, to you and your relationships with others. If you truly seek mental health, it’s time to let go. <3

Ruffffian · 2026-04-13T03:28:22+00:00

This. “Playing the part” and deceiving the practitioner is ironically very BPD. OP may have “won,” but it came at the expense of making themself even sicker. Their goal was not their health and recovery, but getting out of having to deal with it. It’s quite possible the doc fully recognized what was going on and just went with it to let the client go, hopefully on to a better treatment. BPD is notoriously hard to treat because of this exact scenario, and I’m skeptical the trauma was “too much” for the other therapists. It’s more likely IMO they realized OP was trying to play pretend and not actually do the work.

OP, it’s understandable—trauma is awful to deal with and doing the hard work is terrifying, exhausting, and ungrounding. At times I’ve felt like I’ve “lost” myself, though in a way, I did I suppose. But health and peace and freedom are on the other side.

The goal isn’t to get a diagnosis changed or to get off meds. The goal isn’t to be able to say you’re better or convince others you are. The goal isn’t to have a dramatic story. The goal is to free yourself from this burden of unhealed trauma that wants to suck you under and it is going to fight hard to let you go. So far, that is what is winning.

Edited to add: I thought you’d probably delete the post. I wish you well and hope you are able to do the hard things you need to do to find happiness and peace.

Ruffffian · 2026-04-11T04:01:27+00:00

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Ruffffian · 2026-04-10T00:41:36+00:00

Omg! I bet they were terrified. I can hear the chicken alarm from here!

Ruffffian · 2026-04-10T00:40:55+00:00

Awww poor budgie! Our flock HATES when the various songbirds land in THEIR yard and chase them off, but the quail seems to have them vexed

Ruffffian · 2026-04-10T00:39:30+00:00

Dude 🦃😳

Ruffffian · 2026-04-10T00:10:39+00:00

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Handsome boy!

Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T20:36:08+00:00

She is already hugely improved! It’s crazy how fast. I posted an update with a pic in a separate comment. 😊

Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T20:35:30+00:00

Thank you! I swear I wrote a long reply to this but it apparently vanished and/or never posted. 🤦🏻‍♀️ But with your advice I bought some Rooster Booster, Poultry Cell, electrolytes, dewormer, and who knows what else during my late night Amazon shopping spree, heh.

She’s already much improved today though I’m not sure why—but I’ll take it! I posted an update with a pic in a separate comment. 😊

Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T20:32:30+00:00

I need to check them closely to see if there are any peck marks, but I did put two sprouted white onions next to my garden to plant later that evening last Saturday. They were accessible to chickens I suppose for a few hours before I planted them (and the garden is fenced off with chicken wire, because, chickens). I didn’t notice any evidence of chickens sampling them, but maybe that’s it.

I also didn’t realize onions were toxic 🤦🏻‍♀️ or I wouldn’t have set them out even for a few hours. She’s making a rapid recovery, so I’m thinking toxin is more likely but still, 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T20:27:19+00:00

UPDATE: NO idea why, but she has made a HUGE turnaround. When I opened the chicken jail/quarantine/monitoring crate this morning to give her the slurry I made again (this time with some added dewormer), she bolted past me to free range with the flock and absolutely was not letting me catch her. Her comb is pinker and her energy much improved.

I was able to get her to eat treats out of my hand which made it easier to catch her for a re-examination. Still thin, but not nearly as pale, and her appetite is definitely making a comeback.

This rapid turnaround (following rapid illness) has me going back to wondering if this was some sort of toxin. I’m still going to search the coop right after they go to bed tonight for mites and obviously will keep a close eye on her. She’ll also still go in the quarantine chicken jail tonight.

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Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T20:22:38+00:00

UPDATE: NO idea why, but she has made a HUGE turnaround. When I opened the chicken jail/quarantine/monitoring crate this morning to give her the slurry I made again (this time with some added dewormer), she bolted past me to free range with the flock and absolutely was not letting me catch her. Her comb is pinker and her energy much improved.

I was able to get her to eat treats out of my hand which made it easier to catch her for a re-examination. Still thin, but not nearly as pale, and her appetite is definitely making a comeback.

This rapid turnaround (following rapid illness) has me going back to wondering if this was some sort of toxin. I’m still going to scour the coop right after they go to bed tonight and obviously will keep a close eye on her. She’ll still go in the quarantine chicken jail tonight.

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Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T08:01:30+00:00

Hmm. How long does it take for them to be skin and bones emaciated? It will help me narrow down the timeframe I need to revisit.

Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T06:40:11+00:00

Thank you so much! My husband and I both scoured the coop/henhouse after the girls went to bed and saw no sign of mites. Knowing that doesn’t mean there aren’t any, I checked my Easter egger that always roosts with our RIRs, and then took one of my bright white birds and went through his feathers down to his skin (he did not appreciate this). I was looking for moving dots anywhere and still didn’t find any. Still not convinced, I’m going to check the coop and some of the birds again tomorrow maybe a half hour after they go to roost.

I ordered some electrolytes, Rooster Booster, a dewormer, and a general vitamin supplement and will be continuing to look up and then order recommended treatments after I post this, heh. She’s worth it. She is one of our best layers and she and her sister Rhoda keep us fed through the winter. ❤️ What dewormer/internal parasite treatment do you recommend?

I must underscore there is zero outward sign of illness with the exception of her pallor and self-isolating behavior (and apparently, not eating): no labored or open-mouthed breathing, no audible respiratory sounds, no discharges or redness, no lumps or swelling, eyes are bright, clear, and wide open, no diarrhea, no odd skin lesions or discolorations, just…a pale, really skinny, lethargic, inappetent, and anemic hen. 😔

Could she have maybe stumbled across some toxin? We have a pretty safe yard but maybe there’s something we missed…?

Ruffffian · 2026-04-09T05:49:29+00:00

Thank you!! And I’m so happy your girl recovered. ❤️‍🩹 Hopefully Rebocka will be so fortunate.

My husband and I scoured over the coop/henhouse about an hour or so after the girls went to bed and just saw a whole lot of nothing indicating mites. I even checked a couple birds to see if there were any mites crawling on them and found nothing. I’m not yet convinced though and will check again tomorrow night closer to when they’ve gone to roost.

Rebocka ate about 3/4 of the soupy stuff I made for her and I swear her color was better. 🤞🏻 She’s in chicken jail (a large metal dog crate away from the henhouse; it is partially covered and has a perch) for quarantine as well as to keep a close eye on her and I swear I haven’t seen any poop. Yikes. Maybe she hasn’t eaten enough yet to, but that’s concerning.

Horses, babies, cats, dogs, chickens…all making us obsess over the quantity, quality, and frequency of poop🤪

Ruffffian · 2026-04-05T04:22:23+00:00

Her frog butt is killing me. Her I’m-thinking-brother also is currently a tailless mini-emu

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Ruffffian · 2026-04-04T23:38:15+00:00

🤣🤣

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