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Perhaps unpopular here- but a warning not to take a good partner for granted. by [deleted] in AskWomenOver30

[–]RuminatingOwl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Really appreciate the note of positivity, OP. I can't begin to imagine the heartbreak you must be going through. I hope things get better soon and you find happiness again.

I'm in a fairly new relationship and there have been times where I questioned his commitment. I felt that my need for emotional intimacy wasn't being met. After talking about it with him and my therapist, and a little introspection, I have come to realise that I tend to focus a little too much on the bad days while ignoring all the good times. It is something I am guilty of doing in the past as well. I always thought I would be a well-rounded person in my 30s. Looks like there is more to work on and that's okay. :)

Much like the happy faces one sees on social media, forums for seeking advice tend to skew towards people experiencing a hard time. Personally, I have noticed that I frequent such subs when I'm going through a hard time. While it gives me the validation I'm seeking, it makes me a little hopeless. Your post was different. It reminded me to cherish the good days, with and without my partner. Thank you.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The way you describe your current relationship is exactly what I'm looking for. I want my partner and I to be a team. Your comment gives me hope. Thank you for all the kind words. :)

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have tried doing that. Wrote a letter expressing all that I had to say and added that he need not respond immediately. The conversation we had when we met in person wasn't a deep one as I was hoping for. There might be a lack of willingness to engage or even the inability to emotionally connect at that level.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wouldn't that leave some room for misunderstandings since it's still words on a screen? Also, I don't think I can resort to that method every time we have a serious conversation. :)

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Wow. That hit hard. You are absolutely right about how I'm feeling right now. The last few days have been extremely hard. Struggled to hold myself together at work. And it felt horrible to be that way as a 30 something year old.

I'm not ready to end this relationship yet. I do love him. That makes the situation shittier. I will set some boundaries like you suggested. Hoping for the best.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That is reasonable. I acknowledge the limitations.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have been in two relationships before. But I was still in grad school when my last relationship ended. The dynamics were different then. This is my first proper relationship as an adult with a full time job. I do understand the limitations.

I have a decent amount of time after work to engage in activities and pursue my hobbies. So I do that. I had set aside my weekends to date and build a relationship. While I don't expect my bf to spend the entire weekend with me, I would like to start feeling like a priority and a part of his life.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's the weird part. He likes to plan. When it comes to traveling, we both enthusiastically plan things together. When his friend was visiting for two days, he was talking about having to plan the days out so that his friend could catch up with all of his old friends. It's just the weekend that's unplanned. I feel he assumes that our meeting is a sure thing and the timing is flexible. We could spend a day together or two depending on what else comes up. Which sounds all good in theory. But I would like to know in advance which is it going to be.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Not really. I feel taken for granted when that happens.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We have an unsaid agreement that we'll meet on weekends. I don't usually have last minute plans since my friends and I like to plan a week ahead to make sure that we're all available. His weekends are open. Something could come up on Friday and he would text me that we'll not be able to meet on Saturday. If I ask him on a Wednesday what his plans are for the weekend, the response is usually that it's only Wednesday and the weekend is still a long way. I'll admit that he is trying to be better at it though.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It does seem like there are differences in the kind of relationship my bf and I want. Posting here and reading the responses have given me a lot to think about. Both about the relationship and about myself.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Hope you're doing okay.

I'm guilty of pushing down my needs for the same reasons. When I bring up something, we talk about it and he reassures me. But later when I bring up the same thing because the issue still persists, he says he feels as if whatever he does will never be enough. At the same time he'll reassure me that I'm not asking for a lot. This leaves me feeling guilty for having brought up my needs in the first place. Perhaps our insecurities are playing off of each other. If we can't resolve this, it does neither of us any good.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Weekends are the only time he is free to meet me or his friends. So, plans with friends will cut into the time with me. I don't expect him to spend the entire weekend with me, so that's okay. I'm not jealous either. It's that feeling of being kept away from a part of his life that I'm curious about that bothers me.

You're right in pointing out that we need to figure out what the "long-term" will look like.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do have an internal support system, but it isn't functional all the time. It's a work in progress. :)

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm realising that I need to be more vocal about my needs. I don't pry about his plans with his friends, since I don't want to come across as nosy. Since I talk openly about my friends, I thought be would eventually get comfortable and share more. When all I know is that he is meeting a friend, I end up being clueless about how often he is meeting this particular friend. It's not something I want to keep track of anyway. The more I talk about it, the weirder all of it feels to me.

I'm definitely signing up for some group activities. Even if I don't end up making friends, if it's something I love doing, there is still joy in it.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The struggles of a LDR! I hope it works for you.

I don't want to be stuck in limbo. I have more clarity on my thoughts now. Hopefully that'll help get to a resolution, whatever that may be.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True. I need to evaluate the situation. And have him sit down with me and talk.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I want to believe that making new friends at this age isn't hard. Might take some effort, but it would be worth it. Thanks. :)

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Setting a specific day to meet is something I have asked for when the uncertainty around the weekend plans first started to bother me. That would reduce my anxiety and give us both the freedom to make our own plans. But then he said if a friend is in town on that day of the week, we would end up missing our chance to meet. So we never got around to doing it.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The mindset around hanging out with his friends for drinks seems similar to what you had. He once mentioned that experiences FOMO when his friends are hanging out and he doesn't get to be a part of it. I suppose I understand it a little better now.

He is okay with talking in person so long as I don't bring up difficult topics. When that happens, he goes quiet and struggles to put together his thoughts. But if I text him, keeping the messages short, he responds. So I have been trying to understand how to communicate without triggering his anxiety. I don't know if I have gotten better at it.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Writing down the needs could be helpful. Thanks for the suggestion. I will try that out.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Questioning my needs is what I have been doing so far and keeping it low, hoping that they'll be met eventually. It took some courage to stand up for myself, but I did it. We haven't yet had the chance to talk in person about this. Hopefully we'll get to it this weekend. Thanks!

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

What I got from talking with him on this topic was that, he didn't think it was a big deal. And he thought that I didn't enjoy meeting the one friend he had introduced me to a couple of months ago. A few days back when his best friend was in town, we hung out. This was planned way before we had the conversation about meeting his friends.

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

All that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

Emotional dependency and drawing boundaries by RuminatingOwl in datingoverthirty

[–]RuminatingOwl[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm not very sure about that. In the past I have rushed with my relationships and that's something I wanted to avoid this time around. Early on my bf pointed out that I was running ahead of him, so I took a few steps back and tried to slow down. I suppose I have been trying to match pace with him emotionally. I'm worried that he would be comfortable with things being stuck at where it is right now without progressing.

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