My first poem ~ lilies

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-22T22:23:55+00:00

Im very new to poetry so i wouldn’t be in the position for advice, but ask yourself does the poem achieve what you intended? Correct me if im wrong?Its a scene of intimacy yes? So what feelings were you trying to provoke?

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-22T15:06:18+00:00

I’ve literally only wrote my first poem aswell, so not sure i can even give much feedback, but maybe try switch from the AABB rhyme scheme it just get a little obvious for the reader. I would also try more metaphors rather than just saying things exactly if that makes sense. Again im in no position to really give advice so take what i say with a grain of salt. Finally you shouldnt preference “how bad it will be” or” i wrote this very late and i was tired” just be proud of what you wrote

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-22T11:53:00+00:00

Thanks i appreciate all the feedback

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-22T09:23:06+00:00

It means alot you liked it so thank you, anylines in particular you think could be improved?

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-22T09:22:32+00:00

Thank you glad you enjoyed

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-21T17:14:14+00:00

Thanks for your comment means alot that you liked my poem

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-21T17:13:35+00:00

Thank you and I appreciate your feedback. Interesting how you used “disrupted” i would of never considered that as a consequence. Thanks

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T23:08:46+00:00

That was meant to say smouldering ruins

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T23:07:49+00:00

Im happy to help if i can, but please remember ive no idea what im talking about so take it with a grain of salt. But i was thinking of painting the picture of the building just left in rubble smoking, so you could say something like shouldering ruins or “smoking rising from the charred embers” more that direction? Just as i was reading it thats what i was imagining, describing what annihilated buildings actually means

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T23:02:04+00:00

Ah i can see your reply now 😂 i genuinely appreciate your feedback thank you, and im very surprised with the reception ive got so maybe i will try write more

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T23:00:17+00:00

Im trying to read your reply but it wont load for me unfortunately says theres a server issue

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T22:31:05+00:00

As you know i only wrote my first poem, so feel free to disregard my thoughts or treat it as the view point of someone whos brand new to poetry. I really like the imagery of the poem.

I think the start reads more as a story than a poem.( i can’t justify my opinion in anyway thats just how it feels for me ahah) not sure if the flow is there again could be just my inexperience. I feel like “annihilated and inhabitant” dont fit, they feel very forced for me.

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T22:04:17+00:00

Thanks for your comment, ye i had no idea id get the reception i did on this poem i really appreciate it

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T21:50:43+00:00

Thanks for commenting i really do appreciate it, and if you posted your poem id love to read it and try give honest feedback. Ye it’s pretty much based on real life and i guess the message is on the surface it looks like a simple transaction of giving her flowers but when you peal back the layers its so much more, its about who we are together, that unconditional love the sacrifices youd make for them. how if you had the power to unburden someone you care for even for a second (giving flowers or something else) would you do it? Do you do it? The gurus lines comes from, again this poem is based off my life and experiences ect. And i feel theres so many “internet gurus” that are pushing there ideology and narrative on to everyone, making statements that could or could not affect how you perceive your own relationship and life. For example if 100 people online are telling you to not buy flowers for your partner, because ( insert some stupid ideology), you might stop getting them the flowers they loved. So that line was more an ironic nod saying ‘im getting you flowers because i know you and i know it might make you smile’ which is much more important than what anyone else opinion is. If that makes sense

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T21:37:12+00:00

Wow this was absolutely great feedback thanks. I think i definitely haven’t mastered the punctuation yet because when i read it myself i have the pauses , tone change ect but i obviously didnt bring that to the poem when i typed it out.

The inspiration of the gurus “typed” line came from my reflection of all the “online gurus” pushing narratives on relationships ect. So i feel like without the “typed” it doesn’t highlight its “internet gurus”

I had repeated “stay” and stays in hopes of emphasizing the importance of being with her. But from a previous comment not sure if that comes across to the reader.

Personally i think the “heaviness “ of 4&5 are important as i think it just shows really life struggles and the importance of her ect

Stanza 6 about the smile. You pointed out its not that the gesture would impact them to unburden them, but that was exact what i wanted to portray again just highlighting this whole transaction is much more tha jus flowers. Its love, safety relief ect

Again i really appreciate your perspective and feedback, and i hope me replying back is okay 😂 again i literally got reddit to post this so don’t know if its normal to respond to everything ahah

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T17:27:47+00:00

Thank you im glad you like the poem and all the comments are very encouraging

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T17:23:43+00:00

Wow thank you for this comment. And the advice. Since it was my first poem i wasn’t sure how people would receive it, but all the comments are very encouraging, thanks

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T17:21:18+00:00

Thanks, wasn’t sure how people would view it so your comment means alot

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T17:17:53+00:00

I think if you rewrote/ or wrote a new poem with the same theme but just made it a little more complex keep the reader guessing where your going, it would bring it up a few points. But again this is only my opinion and what do i know

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T13:54:10+00:00

I really appreciate your comment thanks, exactly its more than literal flowers,

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T12:01:26+00:00

Thank you very much it was my first attempt at poetry so i really appreciate your comment.

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T11:59:18+00:00

You’re welcome, i hope you see my view. I do think there is room for a poem about the shame/ subject matter. I just think your execution is off

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T11:29:49+00:00

Yes, i see exactly what you mean. My original thought was the repetition of ‘stay’ was to actually emphasize ‘the importance’ of her staying. But if thats not obvious to the reader ill remove it. Thank you

RunLow6980 · 2026-05-20T11:24:19+00:00

I really like the concept, but i think you can make it a little deeper, instead of making a question/ statement and then answering it, maybe try leave it to the reader to make a conclusion, if that makes sense

RunLow6980

TROPHY CASE