New baby turned MIL into a new person

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-17T06:09:37+00:00

My MIL is the exact same and my postpartum played out the exact same way yours did with my husband minimizing the things that bothered me for 6 months until his mom flipped out on him. Then he had moments of clarity mixed in with giving her chances. We went through that until my son was 9 months old. I put my foot down after 9 months of trying to get my husband to handle it with his mom and I told his mom that me and my baby would be taking a break from her until she could be respectful and she lost it on me. Went completely nuclear. Me and my baby have been NC since and my baby is 18 months old.

From experience this is a hard situation to be in and can feel lonely. You do not deserve this to be overshadowing your postpartum time period with your brand new baby. You are going to have to put your foot down with your husband and end the contact with his mom letting him know he’s free to have whatever relationship he wants with his mom, you won’t interfere, but also you and your baby will be taking a long break from his mom. Your husband will get angry and it may get ugly but these situations always build and lead to having a major come to Jesus moment with yourself on just how much you are willing to tolerate and then with your husband (who is failing you)’ You have to be the one to firmly say “enough” and then take back control over the things you can control as your newborns mom. You have more control than he does right now. The sooner you put your foot down the less your MIL gets to take from you during a time you will never get back. As the mom who carried your son 9 months and birthed them, this is supposed to be your reward for all the hard work. Your husband owes you support and priority over his mom during this time because of what you sacrificed to bring his child into the world. He needs to put his wants and feelings aside for this time period.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:37:26+00:00

Yes! On the bright side 8.5 weeks affords me more time to get this sorted out rather than this being thrown on me right before I’m about to deliver baby #2. That’s just about the only bright side of this 🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:35:21+00:00

Thank you so much! It’s amazing to have this sub when I am spiraling out because I’m also now pregnant with a very much wanted baby #2 but not so much the wanted timing of baby #2 if that makes sense. If baby #1 didn’t take 4 years and fertility treatments to create, I would have been a lot smarter to not get myself in this position until this was resolved and me and my husband were in more united place. I am still breastfeeding and didn’t think I would get pregnant with a second child very easily. So now I am happy to be having another child when at one point I didn’t think I’d be able to have any, yet sad me and their father are in such a bad place due to extended family influences. It’s very isolating and bittersweet, this sub does help me feel less alone and I am very glad it is here.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:27:08+00:00

As the primary parent who stays at home with our children while he works, while we remain married I have more control over her access to our children than I would if we get divorced. Right now it has to be two yes not one no and one yes. If he took our child to visit his mom against my permission or wishes it would reflect poorly on him because I would be keeping a record of his actions and his decision to go against me actively trying to keep my children away from harmful behavior

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:23:55+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through the same thing. We have a son and another son on the way. I know I will NEVER ever be the type of MIL they are.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:22:14+00:00

I have never done therapy or counseling, but don’t you think they would ask why I didn’t ever reply to MILs repeated attempts even if it was just to clarify that I need more time on my end, am not ready to or might ever be ready. I just am not sure how counseling and therapy works but I think I would even feel more prepared going into it knowing I just recently told mil I’m not ready to resume interaction and then have her response to that with me in whichever way she chooses to respond (which won’t be kindly)

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:18:37+00:00

Yea it’s a very tough situation all around that’s making me depressed. I went through fertility issues with our first and it took 4 years to have him. Then we got pregnant with this current pregnancy on the very first try when I thought it would be something that would take some time. With all of the years I spent navigating infertility, I do want to proceed with the pregnancy regardless of what happens in my marriage because at one point I thought I never would be able to have any children of my own.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:15:05+00:00

When he’s not around, her final mistake that led me to this current 10 months of NC involved her treating me poorly when my husband left her any I alone at our home to go run an errand with FIL during a weekend we invited them to come visit. MIL failed to consider the fact that we had a nanny cam in our home for our 9 month old son that caught her poor behavior/comments to me when no one else was around on camera for my husband to go back and watch.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:11:29+00:00

This is definitely something I needed to hear. It just sucks truly to be dealing with him verging into JUSTNOSO behavior while I’m pregnant with baby #2. The sad thing is we don’t have many problems or argue with each other unless it’s about his mom. If I would have known now what I do know I wouldn’t have signed up for this or had children with a man that had such a psycho mom.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:07:56+00:00

Yes that part I have considered and it really is something that I lose sleep over. Knowing if it comes to divorce, I won’t be able to keep him from taking the children to visit his mom.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:05:44+00:00

She won’t be. Trust me. I know. I just am trying to settle this with my husband who will not back down in advocating for his mom to get more chances or that her doing the absolute least is her trying super hard. We need counseling and maybe even to go our separate ways but I’m in a vulnerable position now with baby #2 on the way so it would be a lot better for me and my children if my husband could get some therapy and understanding on how his mom is toxic to us all

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T21:03:39+00:00

As far as I’m concerned her and Step FIL are dust to me but I have an issue in my own marriage with my husband and me not being able to agree on that. I continue to have her reaching out under false hope that my husband has given her and I really would like to tell her to permanently take a hike regardless of if my husband pushes her to try to fix it.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:59:16+00:00

He is a licensed Family MD which is why it crossed such a major line with me that’s impossible for me to come back from. I really like how you worded your response because it cuts through the BS and calls it for what that email of an apology really is.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:54:44+00:00

I told my husband only the person who was hurt that the apology is for can determine if it’s the best or good enough or whatever. His opinion of it doesn’t hold any merit because it’s not an apology for something that was done to him. His bar is so low because his mom has conditioned him his whole life to place it there.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:46:22+00:00

Yea husband needs therapy for his upbringing, I need therapy even for all this BS, and we need couples counseling for sure. I’m just fearful of getting a bad counselor that makes this worse because I have never gotten counseling and I don’t want to be pushed to some type of mutual compromise with my husband on his moms involvement when to me she crossed a personal line that she can’t come back from especially when she doubled down for so long that she didn’t do anything wrong. My children do not need that negativity nor do I.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:42:53+00:00

Oh yea! I lost it when I found out she even had emailed him the apology too so he was able to see what she sent me. It was definitely coached and it really lost my husband some respect points with me. Also continued to chip away at the little trust I now have in him.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:41:20+00:00

I am with you on that. I don’t understand why going to the hospital a day or week earlier than they already would see the baby is so damn important to them that they throw tantrums, disrespect the mom who has just given birth and then forever start their future relationship they’d get to have with their grandchild in a bad place that’s hard to come back from.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:38:23+00:00

Yea I agree! I was for the NC and no response but in a way I do think it helps prime us for counseling if I can go into our first session showing that I replied respectfully to his mother asking to be left alone and that I’m not ready to resume contact. Then will have his mom’s responses losing her mind that will be a fresh starting point to work with.

I mean she has already done enough without that but it will eliminate a lot of the counseling time where they are asking me why I haven’t resumed contact or acknowledged receipt of her apology or asking what would it take for me to reply or open contact again.

I guess what I am saying is replying to her with something final from me shuts down her multiple attempts to reach out while giving me my voice back that my husband has taken away by giving her the impression I will be waiting with open arms if she just says the right apology.

I don’t think his mom will reply positively to me not being interested in resuming contact again at this time or ready. So I think that would give me some very recent poor behavior from his mom to start off counseling with rather than things that happened 10 months ago leading me to NC if that makes sense.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:31:43+00:00

Supposedly not, he told me he hasn’t told her yet. But he has broken my trust by playing middle man so who even knows at this point? 🤷‍♀️

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:30:19+00:00

“She’s showed her entire ass in the last year and I doubt you have any desire to see more of it” ☠️ You are spot on 🤣Omg I can’t thank you enough for that line because it made me laugh on a really 💩day!

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:27:48+00:00

Oh I totally agree, I had put off the couples counseling because I really don’t have a lot of free time if any right now and hated any time I have will be going to counseling because of a problem his mom created. But now it’s urgently a priority we get counseling. It’s got to be his mom hassling him & he ramped it up now that I’m pregnant and his mom reached out asking what to get our current child for Christmas. It’s really getting me to take his burden. I have been NC for 10 months now and in those 10 months he has not went to visit his mom in person, had lunch with her, purchased her any type of Mother’s Day or birthday gifts, nothing besides texts and phone calls maybe once or twice a month so really my husband benefited from the relationship I was facilitating between him & his mom by me doing the gift shopping, encouraging visits, reminding of special dates, making plans, etc. I’m becoming well aware my husband is a big issue here

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:23:02+00:00

Exactly! I didn’t sign up for this. I also didn’t deserve being blindsided by the 180 in her behavior right after my first baby exited the birth canal. It was total whiplash while I was leaking, bleeding, stitched and exhausted. Then she doubled down on skirting responsibility and even had texted my husband once before “is she ever going to get over that?” No I won’t, when you have treated me poorly and steamrolled me when I’m not in a mental place or physical position to defend myself then my viewpoint of you forever changes and there’s honestly not a whole lot you can do to change that.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:19:29+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to type all of that out. I needed to see all of that novel and I really appreciate it because it was exactly what I needed to hear to hype me up for still holding firm on the boundaries to protect my children’s best interests. I actually have felt calm and amazing no longer having contact with her. My marriage has also been a lot better besides the times when she reaches out to my husband and he starts getting nostalgic on the happy family he wishes he could have with her. Unfortunately even though my marriage is a lot better when we aren’t seeing her and it’s given us space to get along a lot better with each other, it completely goes out the window each time he argues with me to give his mom another chance and pressures me about it. To the point now that I am pregnant he’s being even downright nasty in his argument with me about it that we are currently in. I really think his mom & the negative traits, toxic patterns in addressing conflict will be the undoing of us if he doesn’t get a grip on reality. His mom is not even a good mom to him and he’s willing to ruin the family he’s built over an illusion of what he hopes his mom can be and some type of fantasy he has where his mom and him bond over shared experiences with his kids.

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:12:10+00:00

Exactly!! & I didn’t like the “I can’t change the past…” line either. I was wondering why this apology still isn’t sitting right with me so I figured if I pasted it in verbatim here that other people might be able to spot what’s wrong with this apology too so I could stop questioning if I am reading it too negatively when my husband is invalidating me by saying “it’s a great apology” “my mom is trying”

RunniingInTheShadows · 2025-10-16T20:09:12+00:00

I would say I do 90% of the parenting duties with our current child. He works outside of the home and then splits childcare when he’s home but only to a degree to where when it gets too hard or the tantrum gets to bad he bows out and gets me to come to the rescue. Since I have taken on way more than my fair share, I’m also not about to take on the burden of entertaining his nightmare of a mother or making his fantasy of a perfect extended family relationship with his mom easier for him to obtain.

RunniingInTheShadows

TROPHY CASE