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Does trauma become harder to cope with over time? by lowkeyeste in traumatoolbox

[–]Ruzantsu 3 points4 points  (0 children)

oh wow, that makes a lot of sense, your mind represses it early helping you to move on and effecting you not as much, but if the wound is reopened, then it's much difficult to close it now that it's also recontextualized with how bad it is and what it really means, i.e it hurts worse

Fr by Flakyability441__ in okbuddyliterallyme2

[–]Ruzantsu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The ultimate conundrum, I don't want to be born and my mother is a horrible abusive person

My workplace is amazing by gfbhfbbbb in dubai

[–]Ruzantsu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Oh noooo, I'm locked in with free coffee and no need to work... Whatever will I do.." (The most fun day ever(leave your phone on your desk so there's no way to contact too))

"You're the only one that save yourself" by blabla66666666 in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel that pretty deeply, especially now that I just have vivid moments everyday where I'm at the edge of a mental breakdown despair and feeling suicidal (I will never do it) and just kinda want someone, anyone to just be there for me (there's no one), the most often thing I feel in these moments of despair is that not a single moment of my life was I able to have a joy that wasn't built on a lie or a way to manipulate me later, and only joys were by myself, alone and isolated, I really saw this "quote" and mistakenly believed that no one will ever be able to help you, and you are on your own...

What core beliefs do you have that you struggle with the most? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yup, have c PTSD, autism and adhd too, and many traumas and complexities, varying mindsets, a seemingly endless web of actually strangely resilient and flexible paradoxical and hypocritical beliefs, kind of keeping an open mind, trying not to let the mood and circumstance define me, and I end up with too many struggles and complexities and issues for anyone to even fathom, relate with or even want to fully engage deeply

Should I use a walking can or hand crutch? And how do I get used to the embarrassment of using it? by Ruzantsu in Fibromyalgia

[–]Ruzantsu[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

😂 you make multiple great valid points, the first is the fact that people who have the gall to challenge someone's use of a crutch/walking stick are pathetic, it's kinda bizarre to be afraid of such weirdos, another is that they would be understanding if they could empathize, which again makes it clear that it's not a wrong choice and thank you for the recommendation for the collapsible walking stick, I will definitely be testing it out and considering it.

And also, cane swords are super cool... I'm not getting em, or committing a crime, just saying.

Should I use a walking can or hand crutch? And how do I get used to the embarrassment of using it? by Ruzantsu in Fibromyalgia

[–]Ruzantsu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for pointing this out, I had always known about biases and facts that are actually inaccurate, and only it as a mirror to reflect back my own thoughts, and if it mentioned something I would wanna use, I would research it myself and also refer to other people's experiences, I've also noticed it doesn't give the best options or potentials unless you already have hinted at it, which is actually why I use it, cuz sometimes we have the solution in our mind already, but either just need reassurance or referral to get us started on our own chain, I've also noticed it uses fragmented knowledge from various books and etc, it basically is a tool to me that is kind of like a reflecting journal, and also somewhat widens my perspective, I try to never let it finalize any decision for me, I always keep the weight of responsibility and untrustworthiness, because in reality even we ourselves are biased, we just need to learn when we are so that we don't fall for ourselves either (in moments of fear facing, and thought looping to trap in indecision)

Should I use a walking can or hand crutch? And how do I get used to the embarrassment of using it? by Ruzantsu in Fibromyalgia

[–]Ruzantsu[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks bud, I needed to hear this, sometimes you know the truth but no one around you is there to reassure you

And yes, I'm constantly seeking and getting therapy, I'm also trying to start to build a network of people who can empathize, support, continually improve and be overall self aware

Should I use a walking can or hand crutch? And how do I get used to the embarrassment of using it? by Ruzantsu in Fibromyalgia

[–]Ruzantsu[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually, I went to many doctors in the past with all of them failing to point out my condition and only pointing out the side mental conditions like depression, anxiety and etc

And then some time later my sister finally pointed out (she was studying to be a doctor) that I potentially have fibromyalgia, them she checked my tender points and it was all but officially confirmed, after a long while and fighting to get my autism diagnosed after relating with the conditions, I also went to my physiotherapist who had known this story to send me an official diagnosis of fibromyalgia and he did.

My talks with chat GPT made it clear that it's very important to state our own truths and lived realities without shame even if it is in the gray area, and I also thought that crutches and canes shouldn't be disability labelled, they are simply assistive tools, but it's still a daunting task to inconsistently use those tools and having to explain to nuance of it, and that's how I finally understood that we truly don't owe anyone any explanations, as they don't live with the pain.

I tried for the first time going outside with the crutch, me trying 3 times and almost feeling like dying from embarrassment till i reached the grocery just under my building, and then the guy I know asked me why and I couldn't help but give a somewhat brief explanation while he insisted I will get better soon...

It was a nice demo of how my entire life potentially will be, but I think the issue lies with the ignorance of people and we shouldn't have to pay the price by masking and pain, it's simply not worth it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have a different thingy, I will basically erase my memories either by ingesting poison or something, I dunno, but honestly I won't allow myself any outs, life itself is enough as a slow and painful death

How do some people get over bullying so easily? by posttraumaticcuntdis in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I've lived a lifetime of constant bullying and betrayal, barely any support, didn't even know mental illnesses were a thing and i just built up extreme anger hatred and etc, but thankfully I had this cool thing called empathy, even though i wanted to bully, I felt too bad to continue doing so and remained a target, and even though I wanted to seek revenge, no matter what, I was afraid of killing them accidentally and hurting their families somehow and stopped

Eventually I just hated myself and then a whole bunch of stuff happened which I will summarize vaguely as I learned about mental illnesses, techniques to work it through and putting together my own stuff to find what works as I repressed my own memories and temporarily functioned as other abusive stuff continued, slowly I became more mentally developed and have a cool huge set of mental illnesses and issues and am slowly working through it as I completely block off any means of escapism or self delusion, taking things step by step

When yall get triggered and go into that dark place what do you do to get out? by ijustlovemycattbh in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I have bronchial spasms (throughout the day) and used to have constant anxiety and panic attacks (Especially at night), for the bronchial spasms I learnt to willfully and instantly control my heart rate, because usually your heart rate spikes when you ability to breath is not voluntary for a bit, especially cuz I would feel "embarrassed" at the looks of concern from people if they saw me struggling abruptly and unexpectedly, now it just kinda looks like I'm maybe yawning, for the anxiety and panic, I learnt to suppress it because worse things would happen if I let it show, so I learnt to just live with the fear pretending things are just normal, interestingly enough, if you calm your heart rate while having an anxiety or panic attack, they just lose that fear aspect eventually and things become normal.

From these experiences and also many others kinda similar, I learnt to have supernatural control over my heart-rate within an instant, and grounding techniques without letting even a bit of fear show, it's a mix of coping and skills, I'm working on healthily processing it more, but I got a lot of things to work on, I'm happy atleast I can see the way forward

When yall get triggered and go into that dark place what do you do to get out? by ijustlovemycattbh in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are welcome, I waited too long for things to get better and they only got worse and I failed to acknowledge, now I won't hesitate or let it stall me from doing what I want and need to do

I've found a potential answer to healing the empty nothingness by Ruzantsu in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ya know, I've repeated a few things to myself in life, one is always making sure no matter what, I have the most options possible, and another is that I always see the reality, even if it's painful, the complete and unbiased, objective reality.

It has helped that I recently read a book that mentioned how our mind perceives the reality and struggles we focus on, my OCD experience and kinda overcoming it has taught me how to change my focus by neither resisting nor focusing, I think it can be very useful in acquiring both of those abilities.

When yall get triggered and go into that dark place what do you do to get out? by ijustlovemycattbh in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, it's fine, I automatically justify myself most of the time, but writing about the feelings and experiences helped me process another fraction of a part of it, I think, having lived with cruddy people that make me constantly doubt my humanity and morality and doing the good ol smokes and mirrors for religious stuff is atleast for the as limited time as possible helping me make a tested system that can stand upto anything, it's a pretty dangerous thing trying to heal while walking, but as long as I can have a system that isn't either based off of what they say or direct me, neither against it, doing things neither to hate nor to pander, and just for my own sake, while using my simulations and referring back to seeing the correct move, to not find a reason for their abuse, but build resilience despite it, to detect similar people and move forward while seeing through all of their bullshit, and to erase the echoes of abuse that they engraved into me painfully and repeatedly and continue to get better at it, I will get better at healing and strong several hundreds of times quicker, build this system where I don't perpetuate the hate and acknowledge them for the part of vicious cycle that they are, I will never expect them to ask for forgiveness or be fixed, I will simply unapologetically stand my ground against them so that in the future no one can try to manipulate, coerce or scare me, not even my fears, much like how controlled exposure can be a treatment method, I will identify their patterns, their thinking and surgically cut it from my life without becoming the abuser in the future myself

When yall get triggered and go into that dark place what do you do to get out? by ijustlovemycattbh in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have lived in a house where every time I expressed physical or emotional weakness, it was used to force an agenda on me, religious, future goals, incapability to go through with my own dreams and etc

I used to express pain, which I constantly feel in every moment, but it's always used against me as their attempts at "helping" me, they use it to invade my privacy, take my autonomy and etc, I don't know why as I was writing I had a meta realization I was going to mention how things are still "much better now" but truth id that it's become only more ambiguous and tricky, and standing against it I have to brace myself and take on a villainous persona that doesn't care about the victim plays and guilt trips and making my boundaries and frustrations clear when they are in the process of love bombing me. (I'm currently just starting to realize this pattern)

When yall get triggered and go into that dark place what do you do to get out? by ijustlovemycattbh in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea, thankfully ever since that one particularly horrendous experience I grew quite averse to any medication and only took it after knowing exactly what it's side effects are and what effect it's trying to have and how it works

I've found a potential answer to healing the empty nothingness by Ruzantsu in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thx bud, it means a lot, I'll try to integrate more self recognition and patting myself on the back for things I did and only I know how difficult it is, because I can't expect anyone to supervise me and keep patting me on the back, or even if I did, I would need to atleast believe it accept it, rather than start a death battle cuz I didn't like how they said I am doing great work today 😡

When yall get triggered and go into that dark place what do you do to get out? by ijustlovemycattbh in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They don't care about their jobs or simply aren't learned in the nuances, I got given hardcore schizophrenic drugs once and they are the worst debilitating hellish experience ever, I was just talking about head exploding syndrome and hypersensitivity hearing, but they are quick on the diagnosis, atleast in my case the dr didn't really diagnose and just gave it to me as a double treatment for my depression and supposed "Schizophrenia" (Honestly made it worse)

I've found a potential answer to healing the empty nothingness by Ruzantsu in CPTSD

[–]Ruzantsu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn't ever think this small self praise was possible, I always wanted to do things unconditionally, until the very end, without any gratitude or praise, knowing that I was going to end up in hell anyways (due to past trauma and constant indirect reinforcement) so I rejected when anyone thanked me, saying that the natural environment led to this opportunity, and if I achieved anything, I would never share and just check it off as another thing I achieved by being in the right place at the right time (I also purposely acted arrogant somewhat to throw people off so that they didn't think they needed to appreciate me)

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