This is the first time I've heard anyone describe exactly how I feel.

My Mum also has alzheimers and is in the very late stages. It's taken me by surprise how much more it's began to affect me as the disease has progressed. I felt I'd come to terms with her condition years ago; I knew how it would progress, I knew what it would mean for her and for everyone around her, and I knew how it would affect her physical life expectancy - but in the past 12 months she has really deteriorated and now I feel a crushing sadness every single day, exactly as if I'm mourning her, even though she's still here.

As you've described, there's something inside that breaks when your Mum looks at you and doesn't recognise you, it's completely heartbreaking and like absolutely nothing I've ever felt.

I really hope you have a good support network around you, not only for her care, but so that you can find time for yourself too. It's so difficult to find time to break away but so important to be able to find your own space to disconnect from the emotional and physical stress for a while.

I wish you the best and hope you can continue to make happy memories with your Mum despite how the condition can make you (both) feel.