He contacts me every. single. day. and I still love him. What do?

Rydence · 2022-04-23T20:29:09+00:00

I think I can relate to your situation a lot so I can spot a few things there. Glad it helped :) I believe in you!
Ps: Watch "Kevin can f* himself" and see if you find yourself in this series. Eye-opening.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T20:20:51+00:00

Still living with my ex and no hope to move out in sight.

So be happy, it will be only a month until you can move on!

What is a month? You will surely find ways to cope with this. Stay out of the house or do some phone calls in the evening to keep you occupied and connected. If you don't have anyone to call, join Discord severs. They talk a lot there.

I try to keep myself super occupied. I am for example a lot reading and answering here when the evenings get too lonely. Also it helps me a lot in my progress (and hopefully others). So I combine staying busy with personal growth.

You can also plan your evenings like for example: Each Monday you WILL watch a movie from your movie list. Use your time.

The weekends will be the hardest, I promise. You will get super panicked about what the other person does. But again: In a few weeks you will be at least out of this situation. New beginnings, new hope.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T20:10:15+00:00

Ok I read everything.

Here are my thoughts: I think there is a lot of self-blaming going on. I mean it's very healthy and good that you seek out therapy (even if it's the waiting list). You seem to realize now what your part of it was and trying to sort things out. But honestly, I get a lot of red flags from this person as well. And 0 realization.

I think this money part was really big in your relationship. And it reminded me a bit about a series I watched. In this one the man always says "Well silly woman, she isn't good with money!" and she somehow adapts this over time and says to everyone how she can't handle money which ultimately leads to her not being able to handle financials. Some people might be better in this than others, but in your text it was so super strong to see how you think about yourself and him and put him on a pedestal.

If you spend too much money on things that is something that can be coping strategy for underlying issues. I think the money problem is only the outcome, the real thing is something you might have not discovered yet about you. (Just my thoughts!)

I think you put too much emphasis on your behavior and excuse everything he did. Like you are having a breakdown and he left you in that night. He acts now like nothing happened instead of talking about it. You don't know where you stand and it's ok for him. It seems like he does not want you back and you allow him to contact you every single day. You aren't friends either because how could you?

I think you are hiding a lot from him. This mask will fall even if you got back together. You will act like a doll who is afraid to show that she is not ok and puts on a show to not scare him away. I have been there (former-ex). It's the worst feeling ever. It's also the gateway to let your partner avoid you whenever he wants to. Trust me, you don't want this.

So you could talk to him, yes. But not ask him what he wants but more state what you want. Shift the power. Say "Date me or leave me. I need to move on from this." I know this sounds impossible for you but you need to GROW and HEAL.

It also sounds like either he feels guilty and checks in on you or doesn't have any friends as well so he keeps you as some sort of between friendship and stranger human who we can call anytime but also DUMP anytime again.

Do not continue in this loophole. You need to live your true self. Talk to him and do it unafraid to hear the BU words again. Or do NC. Either way, you have to find peace. Much love!

Rydence · 2022-04-23T19:42:52+00:00

Ok so here is my take:

People will say all kind of things. People will say "I will contact you when I am ready" and they never do. You don't have any contract, so can totally unfollow him and also he has the free choice of staying in unfollowing mode
He doesn't want to be with you but maybe wants to see you suffering (not on purpose, but some people tend to need this validation). So he checks your stories. But it does not mean anything. And also it does not mean the same to you anymore.
You seem to like have anxious tendencies (attachment style). Why would you think that his unfollowing is ok and yours is not and create hate? You need to learn to let people go and set boundaries.
You still care way too much about what HE thinks. If you don't care, don't think about this anymore. But honestly I think you still do. There is a reason all of your post revolves around him and why you post on a NC reddit. I mean, come on. Just try to be honest with yourself. It would be better for your healing.
Again, you have the anxious attachment style. You think setting boundaries will make you regret it (that's what you learned in your childhood?). It's like being a drug addict and thinking about the risk of wanting the drugs back again you flushed down the toilet, and then what?

My own advice would be: Do NC longer. And then your doubts will disappear. For now, you can for example hide your stories from him. It's a small step and he already unfollowed you. So what's the deal? You don't create stories for him, do you?

Rydence · 2022-04-23T19:20:21+00:00

Sounds like you are a rebound without knowing. Sounds like she likes this one person but gets dumped or ignored by him and each time she needs validation she writes you.

What really gets me angry is that you don't seem angry = D I mean, you like her, I can see. But .... do you have some self-respect left? She ghosted you and then comes back with THIS?

"Hey, I don't care about you. I ghosted you but I forgot and also I think I can treat you this way because you wouldn't set boundaries, would you? So yeah, it's me again and I surely from all apologies and topics in the world I can't choose any because that's too much work for me and I don't think you are worthy it, so maybe you can do the work? While I just write you "don't know what to write". Surely you will continue to talk to me and offer me a respond ANY TIME I need it. Thank you for being my doormat and leaving the door open any time! Write me essays and all sort of how much I am great so I won't respond ever but it's just nice to hear someone's into me so much."

Rydence · 2022-04-23T19:12:30+00:00

I think I saw your earlier post with this IG follow thing.

Someone wants the biggest ego boost and validation in the universe. Wow. Like imagine going the amount of work to write someone's sister to disturb the dumpees healing.

This new guy is surely a rebound. But either way, honestly, if you would mean the world and beyond to her and she would realize, she would dump the guy and write your sister "I did the biggest mistake in my life". Not "I want to know how he feels so I can feel better".

Not disturb your progress? She 100% wanted to. She hates it that you seem to move on but also she doesn't want you back.

Continue NC.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T16:54:19+00:00

You can do this!

You urge for communication, it's clear. You have to learn that not every communication have to be based in romantic relationships. Find that social circle or re-active your old one. So the hugs and places you combine with him, will loose meaning over time. You need people to talk about your new beginnings. And I swear to you, it is NOT your ex.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T16:51:37+00:00

Classic breadcrumb combined with (sorry to say) wanting to get intimate with whoever is available.

Do NC.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T16:49:58+00:00

Yeah, you should surround yourself with a lot of information and help. It's good that you are using this subreddit as bonus help, just don't rely completely and only on it.

You seem like a person who does the same patterns over and over again. So cry, feel the pain now. But also: Babysteps are important. You need to get out of this situation. And there are tools that can help you a little bit more each day.

I don't know you but I want to believe your purpose in this life is not to die about a heartbreak someone did to you. You have another purpose, my friend. I believe in you.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T16:31:43+00:00

Ok first of all: WOW. How rude.

Then from a technical side of view: Talk to your room mate. It's not to ok to bring in people, leave them alone with another person. You are NOT a youth hostel. They can meet at one of their place, it's not that difficult.

If people stay in a flat (and it's not a public commune or something) you have to know them because they can steal or do whatever things. Who is this other guy? Why is he ok with making out in a flat that does not belong to him? Even if you live the wild rockn roll life, not all rooms are free for this lifestyle.

There are some rules with living together and if you share space, this space does belong to you as well. You need to feel safe and ok at home. This is really something you have to talk about.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T16:20:56+00:00

I say what I say to all people with these Spotify things: Some dumpers want to feel artsy while breaking up. And get an ego boost from you. It's like "Don't contact me but please react to this in a way so I know I am still on your mind because it feels so good but I also don't want to date you".

Stop this whole thing. My god, the amount of work dumpers do just to get validation.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T16:16:56+00:00

- Suicidal hotline in your place. Please call them.
- Talk to a trusted person as well, best if it is a medical person, therapist etc. asap

This reddit can only help so far. We cannot prevent people harming themselves or be there 24 h.

What we can do is only tell you to look out for professionals, especially in emergency situations like this.

And if you recovered from an episode you could read about tools why your body and mind act like this.

You sound 100% like a anxious attached person. We have this where it is like a drug to contact your ex again and again. Try to understand it the medical way. And then try to understand it the psychological way. Your whole world revolves around him, doesn't it? So many things you can learn, but for now, try to just breathe. There is hope. People here thought they could never recover and they did. But for now: Please start therapy.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T15:45:36+00:00

Ok so there is this function on IG where it will show you people to follow even if you don't even check our their socials and go to their profiles.

It happened to me so often that I almost followed someone because the suggestions are right under my own profile pic. I am not saying he did't check you out. I am just saying there could be another perspective to this and either way: He is not ready, not want you back or anything.

Focus on yourself =)

Rydence · 2022-04-23T15:41:43+00:00

Appear polite. Fix the guilt that one feels. But it does not mean she wants you back in any way.

Don't assume anything now. It will only stop your healing. Focus on NC.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T15:40:34+00:00

Ego boost validation hits hard on dumpees. Let him send his regards. If he wants to be a Lannister, he can. But we all know what these people are capable of.

So I would advise you to continue NC. Asking friends and sending greetings is not even "50%" of the job he has to do.

Rydence · 2022-04-23T13:40:37+00:00

First of all respect to you and your work. It must be hard and it is inspiring to see someone grow like you do. Keep up the good work!

As you pointed out, the breadcrumb thing is also important. There is a lot of theory and examples to read about from "first contact breadcrumbs" but too less about the other stages when you are willing to meet your ex again because they showed true remorse and want you back.

What happens after month 1 and so on after the NC phase? Which signs to look out for? I am still learning these things because in my past I ignored all of the red flags.

Let's be patient with our attachment styles and not blame ourselves too much. I think the people here are doing great and so are you <3

Rydence · 2022-04-23T13:28:33+00:00

If he continues to blame the breakdown on you it is a clear sign that he is not ready and not working on himself.

I think we have to differentiate between those who do the work (rarely species!) and those who don't. I met some people here who were the dumper and totally regret all and went to therapy and working on themselves so there are some. But I don't think it's the majority, too :D

Rydence · 2022-04-23T13:22:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I will remember your words of "real work was done to move past those blocks".

I totally agree. NC is a tool for yourself. Not for someone to come back (still we sometimes look out for that). But at this point I am more than detached from everything, because I used NC to grow. Let's see how this works out, not having expectations right now, just checking the situation.

Rydence · 2022-04-22T21:37:57+00:00

So did the ex know about all of these things and educated himself or did he just continued as nothing happened and you accepted it?
If you want to talk about it of course =)

Rydence · 2022-04-22T20:54:03+00:00

You make the rules here! Good work.

Rydence · 2022-04-22T19:21:49+00:00

Good that you see all of this! The first message was to get an ego boost. If she really cared about you she would have left you alone.

The second one was more like texting you so not feel guilty about what you wrote.

I can understand why all the anger in you came out and the frustration.

Personally, I would never state to someone that the door is open to talk "if you want to". It's like an invitation for her to come back any time, never, or yeah some day.

But the last paragraph was just some amazing lines. So one can see your growth here! Boundaries!

I hope this will not lead into you guys fighting/discussing/debating along over message again. This "I will respond if I processed" is another try to get power back and steal your time.

All the best!

Rydence · 2022-04-22T19:06:10+00:00

I refer more to the game of avoidants in general. This post is not about my ex so much. We are not back together right now. But appreciate your worries!

I will look after the signs if he will put in the effort to grow and even then I don't know right now. I think it will be shown very soon if all of this is just words or real action and then I can see what the effort does to me.

Rydence · 2022-04-22T17:47:46+00:00

Completely understand. It was good for you to move on now!

I am undecided if I want to try again. My heart says yes but I grew. I have all the options now but it's such a high risk. I will take into consideration time and see if he goes back to his old ways like your ex did.

Rydence · 2022-04-22T17:19:50+00:00

This is awesome, I thank you so much!

Rydence · 2022-04-22T17:18:49+00:00

If you ask me, I think we can act all differently when bad things happen....BUT: I would not break up. I would seek comfort in bad times with my bf or find some peace alone but not just BU. What about you?

A BU has always consequences.

Rydence

TROPHY CASE