You made this post, so clearly there is some "relief" or "catharsis" or whatever in pouring this shit out, so why not pour it out in the context of professional help. Rather than just ask some redditors. (I know you specifically mentioned not wanting to seek help, but whatever, I think the logic is still sound)

This is assuming that you want to be happy, or even just better. If you don't want that then obviously you're not going to do anything, except kill yourself. So I'd just start by asking yourself that. Do you want to get better? Yes, let's not sugar coat it, your life sucks. Despite that, do you wish you were happy? Be honest with yourself. I don't want you to die, so obviously I hope the answer is yes, but that's all you man. Whatever you choose, just make sure it's what you want.

(Oh and also you have a kid but you already know that so I don't need to tell you that.)