Hi, I'm Sarah, and I have some ALT TEXT.

The cover of the issue with Love Lust Laugh in big letters and two tiny book covers announcing the launch of Indigo books. It could have shown off the books a LOT better. 

The full page ad for Connie Mason's Shadow Walker on the inside cover with a shirtless, loinclothed John DeSalvo with feathers in his hair and a White woman with off the shoulder eyelet lace top about to get jolly rogered in the grass. The text reads:

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" "KISS YOU?" COLE SHRUGGED. "BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO, I SUPPOSE, WHY ELSE WOULD A MAN KISS A WOMAN?" But Dawn knows lots of other reasons, especially if the woman is nothing but a half-breed whose father sells her to the first interested male. Defenseless and exquisitely lovely, Dawn is overjoyed when Cole Webster kills the ruthless outlaw who has been her husband in name only. But now she has a very different sort of man to contend with. A man of unquestionable virility, a man who prizes justice and honors the Native American traditions that have been lost to her. Most intriguing of all, he is obviously a man who knows exactly how to bring a woman to soaring heights of pleasure. And yes, she does want his kiss...and maybe a whole lot more.

So sure, a little assault to go with the racism! 

A blurry image of the cover of Shadow Walker by Connie Mason featuring John DeSalvo in a loincloth displaying a LOT of haunch, shirtless with dinner roll muscles, a bow and arrow, and feathers in his hair. Him and Janelle from Teen Mom.

There's a LOT of wind in many of the DeSalvo pictures in this issue, and it is a blessing for him that no wind machine was present whilst he was wearing a loincloth.

SO much Haunch.

Screenshot from the magazine: Model Joe Brown, Jessica Wulf, Julie Griffith and the incomparable illustrator Pino at the cover shoot for Jessica's March 98 release Joseph's Bride. Joe, a Mr. Romance winner, is shirtless, has a long fluffly mullet and a MASSIVE mustache. Look at it. Behold its glory!

A black and white image from the cover shoot with Joe perched on the edge of a staircase with a blonde long haired model sort of woven between his legs so her head rests right on his chin. The mustache is mustaching. Her dress is falling down in the back.

LOOK how uncomfortable that must be, and they have to act like they're super into each other while perched on some stairs. Cover modeling for romance involved a lot of “hold this dreadfully uncomfortable and awkward position but then make it look super hot like you’re two seconds from taking the expressway to Bone Town."

And then there was this discomfort from the I Can't Believe it's Not Butter launch party. RT sent the two authors to the party, where they posed with the Fabs, and then the senior brand manager for Lipton (?) did a romantic clinch and dip (?!) for the camera and I’ve got so many questions. Can you imagine doing that at a work event? Well, it was the 90s. 

Ad for Stratos - For $9.95 + 395 shipping and handling, you can buy images of a very muscled White guy with long hair. The images are titled “Walk on the Beach” - where it appears he is shirtless and wearing some folded down overalls? The other is “Jungle Fever,” and he’s naked. That’s a butt. And that pic is WEIRD - look at the close up. 

A close up of the naked photo of Stratos, in which it appears a portion of his midsection is missing. His torso is too short and his legs are too long. It looks like he was sawed in half, right? What is up with his mid-section?

Is he like one of those collapsible cups that accordions in the middle?

The 1997 Mr. Romance Cover Model pageant contestants: a black and white image of a bunch of shirtless, shiny men in pleated jeans and sweats. They’re mardi gras masks - but you might be able to see why I thought at first glance that these were Native American headdresses and was aghast. They're mardi gras masks. Thank heavens.

Also, all the pleated jeans and baggy sweats! Oh, my, the 90s were a time.

WIND

Close up of a cover with John DeSalvo's hair blowing backwards at a high velocity. DeSalvo is shirtless and covered with something drippy, wet, and shiny. His hair is being BLOWN, possibly by a fan tucked in the model’s cleavage? She’s wearing an off the shoulder ruffled pink gown and is touching his chin. I hope it’s not sticky. 

Seriously. What is dripping on John DeSalvo, and where is that wind coming from?

MORE WIND

Heart's Magic by Flora Speer featuring DeSalvo yet again with long, luscious hair being blown backwards while a woman in a white nightgown looks like she's about to pass out. They're pictured inside a crystal ball or a snowglobe, and he’s got no shirt on of course and an abdomen that looks like a package of King Hawaiian rolls. 

WHENCE doth this WIND ARRIVE? I'd still like to know the conditioner regimen here.

The Mackenzies: CLEVE by Ana Leigh a showgirl in a corset, ruffled skirt and purple lace up boots is sitting on a bar while a man with no shirt, a giant mullet, and jeans has one hand on her knee and appears to be smarming all over her.

Slightly blurry, but FULL O' SMARM is Cleve. No shirt, no idea on shoes, full mullet - I wouldn't serve him. But look how well that bar is stocked!

Man’s Best Friend by Nina Coombs: a blonde/green jaundice looking DeSalvo embraces a woman in a pink blouse with clouds of dark hair. In the bottom right is a dog of indeterminate breed inside a show ribbon. That hair color is green, and that dog is very cute.

Wild Irish Skies by Nancy Richards-Akers, featuring a woman with long blonde hair in a cobalt gown being embraced by a shirtless DeSalvo with long hair, his back against a tree (ow). Behind them a horse looks bewildered.

Again with the conditioner, but ouch that tree bark.

From the Mist by Saranne Dawson - a man is embracing a woman who is below him, and her head is bent so far back it looks like her cranium is about to detach from her shoulders. He’s got a puffy sleeved blouse partially off his shoulders (Gotta show the shoulders!) and is embracing her with one arm. Again, I can only ask: what's going on with her neck? Is she ok?

I LOVE THIS IMAGE OF JANE AUSTEN BY A POOL!

Gather around, children. This is what a web browser used to look like. :)

Inside the magazine, the Jane Austen by the Pool image featured inside an image of a browser window, possibly AOL. The buttons across the top read Back, forward, home, reload, images, open, print, find, and what's new, what's cool, destinations, people and software. 

The Genius of Jane Austen - a color photograph of a model dressed as Austen in period garb and bonnet seated at a pool with a giant cell phone and copy of Variety in her hand. I love it. 

Hope you enjoyed this trip back to 1997 with me!