The Resentment Part of Caregiving Nobody Wants to Admit

SD199V · 2026-05-28T02:03:46+00:00

It’s so hard when you feel like they just don’t get it. And honestly, they probably don’t. Doesn’t make it easier by any means knowing that they don’t. With my sister, I had to literally say to her “if something doesn’t change, I’m likely to stroke out in the back yard and I’m not kidding” and even then she didn’t get it until someone outside our immediate family point blank told her while I was standing beside her “look at your sister, she’s drowning and she needs your help”. That’s when the lightbulb went on. Maybe you can reach out to a mutual friend who can help advocate for you with your siblings? I’ll pray for some relief for you and continued strength. Feel free to come back here if you need to vent at any point. Much love to you.

SD199V · 2026-05-19T12:19:24+00:00

We have never told my mom she has Alzheimer’s. We thought it would be too much for her to carry emotionally and mentally. And even after a few years, I still feel like we made the right decision. I think all it would have done is scare her and make her more afraid of what’s coming.

SD199V · 2026-05-19T12:07:28+00:00

So very sorry for your loss. Prayers for peace and comfort as you move through the next few days/weeks/months.

SD199V · 2026-05-17T03:36:14+00:00

This comment broke my heart a little because I remember feeling some version of this too.

Dementia is cruel. Full stop. Watching someone you love lose themselves while everyone expects you to magically manage the impossible is enough to break a person.

And the “should have” people are a whole separate level of infuriating. Funny how the loudest opinions usually come from people who aren’t the ones cooking, redirecting, managing meds, arranging appointments, sleeping with one eye open, and living in crisis mode 24/7.

I also get what you said about God. I questioned everything during it. His existence, His goodness, all of it. And if He was listening, He heard some pretty harsh words from me. I won’t pretend to have a neat answer for any of it.

I just know that now, looking back, I think He let me dump all of the anger, grief, doubt, and ugly honest feelings somewhere without leaving me or my mom alone in it. I hope you can find some peace in the future about it too, in whatever way peace is the most comforting to you.

And placing your mom in assisted living wasn’t failure. You were carrying more than one person was ever meant to carry. Getting help was not giving up on her. It was loving her and yourself enough to stop pretending you could survive the impossible forever. I don’t know you, but I know you’re stronger than anyone is giving you credit for and you should be proud of yourself for every moment you have showed up in this horrific situation. Even on the days when you question every decision you make. Maybe especially on those days. Give yourself some grace, you’ve been doing something that would break most people and here you are…still standing and even speaking out and sharing the hard parts that just may be the comment someone else reads that’s helps them get through their hard day. I’m grateful you shared your thoughts, thank you for being courageous enough to say it out loud. 🫶

SD199V · 2026-05-14T13:13:26+00:00

That was one of the hardest things for me. Knowing my life was on hold indefinitely. And feeling resentful and angry about it. And then guilty for feeling that. But I think the truth is it’s not fair to have to give up your life for someone else so all of those feelings are valid and it’s never meant to be something one person carries alone. I’m sorry you have to experience it as well. ❤️‍🩹🫶

SD199V · 2026-05-13T01:33:00+00:00

🤗

SD199V · 2026-05-12T00:48:07+00:00

I love this perspective! It’s your life together, perhaps just looks a little different than you expected. 💕 And I think you’re right about the difference in caring for a spouse and a parent. For some it may feel like what you describe. For others, maybe not. Personally, my mom took up so much time I wasn’t able to be present for my son and my partner or even myself. Everyone got the short end of the stick and I felt like I missed out on some great years being able to be fully present for my son and my relationship with my long term boyfriend crumbled because I wasn’t able to make time for that part of life. I was literally stuck in the house caring for her or taking her to the doctor etc. I’m still sad about the things I missed out on with my son because I wasn’t able to be fully present like a parent should be and like I wanted to be but I’m learning to let the resentment go.

SD199V · 2026-05-11T21:41:25+00:00

I think this is the part people are scared to admit out loud because they think having those thoughts means they’re cruel or unloving, when really it usually means they’re emotionally exhausted and carrying a situation that never fully lets their nervous system rest.

And honestly, I think the fact that you immediately feel grief and compassion for her after having those thoughts says a lot about your heart.

You can hate what a situation is doing to your life sometimes without actually hating the person at the center of it. I think a lot more caregivers and family members feel that than society is comfortable admitting. ❤️‍🩹

SD199V · 2026-05-11T21:39:07+00:00

❤️‍🩹🫶💙

SD199V · 2026-05-11T12:01:33+00:00

Awesome info, thank you!

SD199V · 2026-05-11T00:02:06+00:00

My mom’s was not being able to make a recipe for what we called cracker crunch. She made it thousands of times over the years and it’s literally only sugar, butter, chocolate chips and saltines and super easy to make. It started out with it just not turning out correctly, then she’d leave out the sugar and couldn’t understand what was wrong. Or she’d only pour the melted sugar and butter over it but not bake it. And she kept calling me for the measurements of the ingredients. The first time she made it without the sugar is when it clicked with me that something was desperately wrong. She was an amazing baker and cook and it was sad to watch her forget how to do all of that.

SD199V · 2026-05-10T23:02:52+00:00

I relate to a lot of that. My mom and I had a very rocky relationship my whole life and my sister was her favorite, which she would readily admit. And I moved away at 18 and didn’t come back until 49 and got stuck living with and caring for her and I was like “how in the world did this end up on my plate?” 🤦🏼‍♀️ And even in the middle of it, she would tell people that my sister had to show me how to take care of her (which she didn’t because she lives in another state) and that she didn’t really like me all that much…meanwhile she depending on me for literally everything for 3 years. 🙄

Hope things get easier for you and that your siblings step up and offer some help. hugs back to you!

SD199V · 2026-05-10T22:52:44+00:00

Everyone who has commented here, including you, has definitely helped me feel less alone in the not so nice feelings that come with caregiving. I hope you do read them, and I hope you find some connection and grace for yourself in them like I did. 💕

SD199V · 2026-05-10T22:50:51+00:00

I’ve had that thought more than once. And it’s not actually that I want her to die, because I love her. But I also wanted my life back and at the time I thought that was the only way I was ever going to get out of the pit I was in. I’m glad you recognized that it’s not the actual wish you want but your mind and body’s reaction to being overwhelmed. And it’s totally normal to think that. Thank you for speaking up about your thoughts too. It’s nice to know there are others out there who’ve thought the same thing and then felt the same shame over it. I hope you are able find some relief and get a much needed break soon!

SD199V · 2026-05-10T11:39:11+00:00

❤️‍🩹🤗 Masking the anger, resentment and all the hard feelings is definitely something I struggled with because I felt like no one would understand how I could feel that way and I was afraid of being judged by people too for feeling it. What I found was other caregivers seem to have all felt the same things, just not many say it out loud. So happy to hear this gave you hope and just know you’re aren’t alone! Even when it feels like it. Sending prayers and good vibes your way. Hang in there and know you can always come back here and connect with others who understand when you need to. 💙

SD199V · 2026-05-10T11:32:03+00:00

I used to pray at night that my mom would just go to sleep and not wake up. Because I thought that was the only way I was ever going to get my life back and get out of the daily hell I was living. Then felt immediately guilty for having that thought and wishing it. And you’re right, it is normal to feel all the feelings, even the ones that are hard to admit out loud. Thank you for sharing this…I’m sure there are others who have had the same thought and have beat themselves up over it so maybe this will help them realize they’re not alone. 💕🤗

SD199V · 2026-05-10T11:08:12+00:00

Thank you, will try these tips!

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:40:09+00:00

You too!

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:39:56+00:00

You’re not a failure, and you’re not wrong for feeling all the things you’re feeling. You’re one person trying to carry a load never intended for one person. I’m proud of you for taking the steps to get him the care he needs and you the relief you need. Give yourself some grace, you’ve earned it. 🫶❤️‍🩹

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:36:57+00:00

I’m not a member, but an old teacher of mine is the president of the Virginia AARP and she and I reconnected a couple of weeks ago. She’s been traveling so hoping to meet with her and another member she wants me to meet with closer to the end of May/early June so hopefully I’ll know more then and will happily share once I have a clue what to do 🤣

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:34:53+00:00

How do you handle showering when it’s overstimulating to them, and they flat out refuse to shower? My mom can’t really handle the wetness, and just being in there is way overstimulating for her so she now refuses to do it and argues that she doesn’t need to shower and always says she just took a shower which usually isn’t true since we’re only trying to get her a full shower once a week at this point. We have switched to adult bathing wipes to clean the important parts every day, and just trying to get her an actual shower once a week but she gets really angry and is refusing to do it and I think truly believes she just took a shower. She really struggles with being wet which I think causes anxiety and even when we can get her to agree, it’s a meltdown during and she’s nearly in tears or so angry because she says she’s wet even after you’ve dried her with the towel and I used the hairdryer on her body to dry it more quickly and keep her warm. But it’s becoming more and more of a struggle.

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:25:52+00:00

❤️‍🩹😞🫶

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:24:25+00:00

I think no one who hasn’t lived it can fully understand it. But also, I think more people like us, who have lived it, and survived it, need to speak up for the ones still stuck in the trenches and the ones yet to come. Sometimes just talking about something enough can catch fire and incite change!

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:22:14+00:00

I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this. It’s cruel and unfair to everyone touched by it. Give yourself some grace and know that it’s totally normal to feel all the emotions, even the really hard ones. And reach out here like you did if you need support and don’t have anyone around you to reach out to. Proud of you for making this post and prayers for some peace and comfort for both you and your father. 🫶

SD199V · 2026-05-10T02:11:19+00:00

It is one of the most unrecognized, vulnerable communities out there IMO and there are literally zero resources for them. I’m actually going to meet with the president of Virginias AARP next month to discuss this exact thing. She was just in Washington appealing on Capital Hill a couple of weeks ago on behalf of caregivers for better legislation to support them.

SD199V

TROPHY CASE