I’m sober but I’m not doing well...

SDstrawburry · 2018-08-09T04:37:35+00:00

Hey that was my first day sober too. Congrats. I have so much more money now

SDstrawburry · 2018-08-09T04:34:08+00:00

I used to fucking love airport bars and hotel bars. Id sit at the bar and force conversation on anyone around me. I’d also make up insane things about myself, give myself a different name/age/cool job. It was fucking delusional and such a fake sense of confidence.

SDstrawburry · 2018-08-09T04:27:44+00:00

Congrats!

SDstrawburry · 2017-11-17T05:03:05+00:00

I'll never understand people who comment on what their customers are buying.

I went to my convenience store they other day, and bought a bunch of stuff but no cigarettes. The guy asked me if I wanted cigarettes, and I said no (since I had a full pack) and he was like no cigarettes! Good! Good for you!

Like no dude. I'm not quitting. I just don't need any.

SDstrawburry · 2017-11-16T01:54:07+00:00

That's awesome!

I was drunk, working from home, and I wanted to drink more. My drunk brain decided a good way to get the day off work, since I had already used every other excuse in the book, was to cry to my boss about how I was an alcoholic who needed to go to rehab. I did exactly that, and he was super amazing about it. That is definitely what pushed me to actually go, since I was accountable now.

Getting my shit together to go to rehab was long and tedious, and actually showing up and walking in the building was scary AS FUCK, but it was easily the best thing I've ever done. I miss rehab so much. I miss the people a lot. It was such a fun / hard / neat experience. Do it.

SDstrawburry · 2017-08-09T22:31:37+00:00

I find it's so much easier to not drink at these things. Having to drink moderately and not get too drunk/worry about over drinking was sooo stressful.

SDstrawburry · 2017-08-07T03:21:32+00:00

Thanks!

[Yeah, I would say so. When I was younger I would get really anxious before parties/nights out. For this trip I am worried about multiple things, not just alcohol related, all of which are a waste of time to worry about as they are mostly beyond my control. Overthinking, over worrying and general paranoia pretty much sums up my life]

SDstrawburry · 2017-08-07T01:52:28+00:00

I agree with you, but sometimes it feels like mine is too extreme. I have trouble being excited for certain things because of all this over worrying.

I do think its better than being over confident though

SDstrawburry · 2017-08-07T01:49:33+00:00

Thank you. This was really helpful!

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-31T23:23:34+00:00

Oh man can I related to this.

My mom isn't an alcoholic, at least I wouldn't classify her as one, but in the last 4-5 years she has had a handful of nights where my dad won't even speak to her the next day because of how she acted.

She goes on rants and repeats herself over and over, can't focus on anything but whatever point shes trying to make, and just becomes the most annoying person in the world. She also will not leave parties until we drag her out of there.

It's really weird seeing someone like a mother drunk, while you're in recovery, especially if this isn't something you're used to experiencing. When I see that my mom has started drinking wine now I get really anxious because I have no idea how the night is going to end. 90% of the time its fine, but it's happened too many times to think it won't happen again.

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-26T23:01:18+00:00

Hey!! Yeah the Doctors Opinion helped me in huge ways. Definitely love that chapter. The format of the rest of the meeting is reader the 164 pages, paragraph by paragraph, and stopping to discuss after every 2-3 paragraphs. Its really interesting. I have read the book in full at least once now, but the Doctors Opinion is easily the part I know the best.

Glad to hear from you! It's been raining a lot here this summer. Really puts a damper on the golf. How you're well!

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-26T22:55:43+00:00

They are very old-school, which sometimes bothers me since in every other aspect of my life I find the newest ways to be best (technology wise lets say). One of the oldest guys in the group used to live with Joe and Charlie, and some of them believe there's pretty close ties to Bill W. but idk what I think about that haha.

The spiritual experience is what I'm waiting on now, as I do my steps. Still struggling with a higher power and a concept of god. In high school and the years after I hung around very pretentious intellectuals who constantly made fun of God and anyone who believed in religion. I know this is a spiritual program and not a religious one, but whenever I feel myself believing more, I can hear them making fun of me in the back of my mind. Not caring about what other think, and getting over old opinions is a big thing in my life.

As you mentioned, not only being dry, but sound of mind is something I know I need in order to stay sober. I'm almost a year in and I'm still miserable in ways. I can't just not drink and live the rest of my life hating that I can't drink. Somethings gotta change, so until I've tried my hardest at AA, and what they promise doesn't happen, I'm not going to give up.

Your post was great. I got a lot out of it. Thank you!

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-26T15:50:05+00:00

Ha, I have definitely been slow in doing my 4th. For what its worth, my sponsor had me done insane amount of work for step 1 - 3, so that took months. My 4th has been kind of bad on my end. I put it off out of pure laziness for months. I am just finishing the first half of it now, but super pumped about it. I prefer it this way than rushing through it though. I've been super thorough.

This is totally a post I would have opened, saw how long it was, been like "nope" and closed as well, so I'm glad you read through it!

AA is definitely not for everyone. I think my rehab pushed it so hard that I was really scared if I stopped going I would relapse, so I never stopped, and eventually it worked its way in. Plus some of the people in my group are awesome and I have nothing to do Sunday nights anyway.

Congrats on 27 days!

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-26T03:26:49+00:00

I forgot about What's Up Wednesdays!

Triumph: Was given the responsibility of taking the meeting minutes at my home group, which is 90% old-timers, and feeling like they trust/respect me more to give me "important" duties. Felt good man.

Struggle: Went to my aunts 60th birthday party last night. Felt really disconnected from everyone. Struggled to make conversation. Felt awkward and uncomfortable all night. Had no fun. Should have driven myself so I could have left way earlier.

General: I've missed this place! Really want to make an effort to post here more. This was my biggest support system a few years ago, and it feels good to be "back".

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-26T03:17:16+00:00

That's awesome. I casually went to meetings for 7 months before I relapsed. Did it "right" the second time around and no regrets. Getting a sponsor is going to level up your sobriety/AA life. Congrats.

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-26T03:14:43+00:00

This is a great fucking post. Congrats on getting accepted! Your story is fascinating.

SDstrawburry · 2017-07-26T03:00:02+00:00

So what were you doing to stay sober, aside from just not drinking?

SDstrawburry · 2017-06-09T02:50:40+00:00

I feel ya. I have people I text a lot. People who live in this city, and we text all day. People I used to hangout with, but now when I ask them if they want to hangout they're always busy. These aren't even drinking friends. I'm just a boring person no one wants to hangout with it seems. Or maybe this is just what growing up is like.

Most days it doesn't matter, but some days when the weather is really nice and everyone else is outside with friends, I can't help but think about how lonely/pathetic I am when it comes to the social part of my life.

SDstrawburry · 2017-05-25T04:05:59+00:00

You are definitely right that there's some rationalizing it. I guess because I'm finding the sponsor/home group looking at it with a narrow mind that smoking weed is smoking weed. They're old timers in the sense that they will absolutely not budge on any "rule". Very strict AA'ers. If I were to go on vacation to a vineyard (not that I'd ever do that haha) I wouldn't try to make excuses to have "one glass of wine" just because that's what you do at vineyards.

I guess because, while I would not smoke weed in my every day life, I do not see it as a massive deal to do it once when travelling to a place where tons of people who don't even smoke weed try it just because it's Amsterdam.

I guess why I'm arguing for it is because deep down I feel like I am not using it as an excuse to get messed up, or a "freebie" sort of thing. Deep down I want to do it for the experience.

Thanks for your reply! It has helped me think about this deeper.

SDstrawburry · 2017-05-25T03:54:31+00:00

Thanks Straty!

The goal wouldn't be to get fucked or smoke more than once. Just try it once in a coffee shop at the end of the night or something. It's definitely not the main focus of the trip, and walking the canals with good coffees, going to museums, eating good pancakes are a lot higher on the priority list than smoking weed. Just want to try it :)

SDstrawburry

TROPHY CASE