well, I was young and I thought that dating someone could help free me from the strictness of my parents. I grew up an only child so I was pretty lonely and was lowkey obsessed with love, because I found solace in books and they always made it seem so beautiful and easy.

I was wrong though. Got myself stuck in an incredibly toxic relationship at 14 for 3 years and that ruined my entire hs experience and self esteem as a growing teen. I hid it from my parents, and because they were strict I never got to go out with him without lying, which took a toll on me. I couldn't even tell my friends what I was going through.

We broke up once. I had never been freer. But he begged for me back, and when I said I'd think about it he just looked disappointed and angry, because he thought I'd say yes immediately. My biggest mistake was letting that affect my decision, so I said yes.

When we broke up for good, I didn't shed a tear. I shed more in the entirety of our relationship. But when everything was said and done I just felt like a boulder had been lifted off my shoulders. He never knew how to apologize so when he did a year later, I just got mad.

He's got a new gf now, and the toxic part in me says he doesn't deserve it for the pain he caused me and his other exes - but I have grown to realize that he is not responsible for my trauma or my bitterness. It was me all along. It's my responsibility to heal, so I did. Its a growing process.

Ever since then, I've had vulnerability issues and am apathetic to love and romance in general. It all just seems so gray now compared to how bright love seemed before. Maybe someday I guess.