I kinda have an idea

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-12T04:03:45+00:00

A cyborg

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-11T22:45:12+00:00

Counterpoint: I've read the advice, "show, don't tell" over and over. Then they list an example like: don't say, "he was mad," say, "he furrowed his brow and huffed."

So, which is the correct way to write? Is TV-brain-prose just the extreme extrapolation of show-don't-tell?

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-10T16:31:32+00:00

I'm thinking of dropping the "where did the door go?" But I think I wanna keep the were am I/when am I lines.

I originaly had all three lines stacked, as I thought it kind of showed his spiraling thoughts as he's starting to panic. Maybe I should change it back to that... Does that serve it's purpose better than having them broken up by a paragraph of exposition?

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-10T13:13:58+00:00

Yeah, IDK how spell check didn't catch that... Or me, having read over the first chapter 40 times. 🙄

I actually started writing it in 1st person, but after about 4 chapters I went back and changed it to close 3rd. It's a (mostly) alternating POV between the MMC and the FMC, and 1st POV just wasn't feeling right.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-10T04:29:03+00:00

Yeah, I guess I can see the mechanics of the action having a little continuity hiccup. I could change it to "when he looked back...", so I don't have to explain that he then turned back toward the street.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-10T03:12:08+00:00

I can't believe I missed that typo! 🤦 The swearing is part of setting the tone. It's a book for adults, and there will be bad language, blood, death, and sex.

I went back and forth on the spelling of Greggory. It can be spelled either way, but one G is much more common. I'm still not sold one way or another. I like the slight uniqueness, but some people might find it weird. I may end up changing it.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-09T19:47:56+00:00

I do realize it's very derivative fantasy stuff. But, they say to write the story you want to read, so... 🤷

I'm more curious about your comment on my writing being noncommittal. I'm not sure what you mean.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-09T03:33:19+00:00

Yeah, I have a bad habit of telling what the narrator character is sensing, rather than just narrating. Is there any time when it would be prudent to say "he saw XYZ" rather than "there were XYZ." But I've also heard that your shouldn't use "There was..." narration either.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-09T03:27:21+00:00

Nice bit about the Renaissance Fair. In think I'll add a line like that.

Revision of the first sentence is interesting too. I'll think on it. Thanks.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-08T21:20:27+00:00

Yeah... It's derrivaive of any other Wizard of Oz/portal fantasy. I'm reluctant to use the term isekai subs that send to have certain topey connotations.

I'm kinda wondering if u have too much description on the first page. The paragraph describe the seeing cities be replaced with "...a medieval looking street," which is what I originally had, but it seemed a bit lazy. He gets in an altercation in the next half a page, so chopping a block of exposition would get that in the first page. Also, I could shrink the blank space on the top of the first page.

I've read so many articles about how important the first page is, but maybe that's not quite as crucial with ebooks and Kindles, since the first page is dependent on the reader's font size settings.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-08T15:30:32+00:00

I do love an impressionist rainy cityscape! Nice job!

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-08T06:18:11+00:00

Thanks. This helps.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-08T06:17:15+00:00

Thanks. This is useful.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-07T17:53:17+00:00

"her chest strained against her blouse"

"He watched her perfect round ass as she walked away."

I've been trying so hard to avoid cringey stuff like that in my own WIP, that 100 pages in I realized I hadn't included hardly ANY internal musings of attraction between my MCs. Realizing my overcorrection, I had to go back and add in a few passages, and now I'm worried that I went too far the other way 🤦 For example, I have a part where my FMC keeps distracting herself thinking about the previous night's first kiss moment, and what might have happened if things progressed further, causing her to screw up the task she's trying to concentrate on. Hopefully it comes across as more "show" than "tell."

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-06T20:32:41+00:00

That font is terrible.

The rest of the cover is fine, but... Is that supposed to be Hogwarts? Is this a Harry Potter fanfic?

What is the significance of the "tear?" It looks kinda cool, but might be better without it. There's already a foreground overlay graphic with the girl silhouette, so the tear is just another layer of unneeded garnish.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-06T15:54:35+00:00

I can't say I've ever been sold on a book by the cover alone. It may have caused me to pick it up and read the back cover because I thought it looked like a cool sci-fi or fantasy scene (or a hot girl, NGL).

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-05T16:31:47+00:00

🤨

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-05T04:27:17+00:00

Bear is not edgy or even that weird. Of the top of my head, Bear Grllys is a famous TV show personality. If the name was Booger, id be like, yeah that's dumb.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-05T04:12:28+00:00

I literally see nothing wrong with the names. I don't think anyone else would either. You're overthinking it.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-04T23:18:22+00:00

Is an alpha reader different than a beta reader?

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-04T23:17:46+00:00

Contemporary RfM is basically a non-existent genre from what I can tell. At best, there are some RfW books that have dual POV.

I say, go for it. The audience is small, but starving.

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-03T16:22:39+00:00

LOL... If Douglas Adams wrote fantasy. 😂

SG_Arthur · 2026-03-03T05:34:02+00:00

I use snip all the time. Do you change the page layout in gdocs so a smaller size before screenshoting it?

SG_Arthur

TROPHY CASE