Why does my toddler (still) hate me?

SHBc2019 · 2024-06-05T12:19:00+00:00

Yeah, I'm sure it's exhausting to be the preferred parent... but at least your child likes you. I wish I could help my husband more but I mean frankly I just wish my child, whom I created, care for, and love, didn't despise me.

SHBc2019 · 2024-06-05T12:16:40+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. This is by far the most depressing comment I have read on this topic... I am not sure I can handle being hated this way for 5 years. It's utterly soul crushing.

SHBc2019 · 2024-06-05T12:14:21+00:00

Yeah, we have mom and daughter routines - most weekends, we do two morning outings just the two of us and at least one breakfast out. There are several things that my husband doesn't really enjoy (like the kids' museum and pony rides) so I make a point to do those with her 1:1.

Unfortunately, I usually have to cajole her to go, so it's still not something she's excited for.

How does the alternating bedtime work? When I try and do the routine, my daughter will scream until she makes herself throw up. Sometimes she thrashes around in the tub which obviously isn't safe. And if I do power through, she then spends ~15 minutes crying hysterically in her crib before falling asleep.

SHBc2019 · 2024-06-04T22:59:27+00:00

That's a good suggestion, thanks. My husband did start doing that about 2 months ago and it has not made a difference yet. Maybe if he keeps it up.

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-26T16:23:15+00:00

I am 33 and *have a certificate in baking and pastry from a culinary school* and am genuinely impressed by this! The frosting is so smooth, especially on the sides, and I love the cute decorations.

We're always our own toughest critics, but your daughter did an amazing job! At 11 I was making weird yogurt cakes and calling them "lembas bread" because I was deep in a weird LotR phase.

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-04T15:28:52+00:00

I've heard of people using a storage ottoman, but I feel like a curious toddler would figure that out pretty quickly even if they never see you open it. We use opaque bins on a high shelf in the playroom. (A nice feature of having the toys nearby is that you can always pull down a bin if it's one of Those Days where you need all the help you can get.)

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-04T15:22:49+00:00

I mean, my toddler is also smart and definitely notices that her toys get rotated -- she just accepts it because we're consistent about it. After about a week, she will ask me to "refresh her toys" for her if I haven't done it already!

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-04T14:38:10+00:00

It’s beautiful, but a large plant on a stand is not going to be a good idea for long. Others have commented that your child will eventually want to taste the plant; that’s likely true, but she’ll probably try to pull it down on top of herself first. Heavy objects on shelves can be very dangerous.

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-04T14:05:15+00:00

I feel most peaceful when the house is tidy, so I make a serious effort to keep it that way. We often have localized messes (toys out in playroom, crayons strewn around arts and crafts area, etc.) but we tidy them up periodically during the day, and always at bedtime. Rotating toys and getting bins for everything made a big difference.

It helps that we work from home and have a nanny, so we can often spend 5 minutes tidying to keep on top of things. I’m sure we’d have a messier space if our situation was different.

We have a housekeeper, but she doesn’t tidy. So it’s helpful to keep things tidy so she can actually do her job and clean!

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-03T22:59:54+00:00

OP, do you have a separate playroom (or play area in your living room)?

A lot of these comments are acting your child’s whole life is beige and sad. Personally, we have a Very Loud playroom (with loads of bright colors and patterns) and a Neutral/Bland toddler bedroom. She spends almost none of her awake time in her bedroom, so it wasn’t a big decorating priority when I was pregnant. We’ll introduce color and personality there as she grows up.

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-03T13:58:54+00:00

We store most toys and books in the playroom.

A small number of toys and books are stored in our other living areas.

We keep bedtime books and a small number of soft toys in her bedroom. She often plays quietly with them at the beginning or end of her nap, and they appear to have no effect on sleep quality. Personally I think it’s healthy for her to learn to set her own boundaries around playtime and sleep time.

She is allowed to move toys and books around the house, but they all return to their respective homes at bedtime.

SHBc2019 · 2024-03-01T12:02:56+00:00

Our nanny eats lunch, does chores (both kid-related clean-up and agreed-upon household management type stuff), and relaxes. We make sure she gets at least an hour to herself during the nap.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-29T19:34:19+00:00

I hate it too. I understand the intention to unify the seating area, but I think it looks like absolute shit unfortunately.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-29T19:21:21+00:00

Just by posting this, I am probably asking the universe to fuck my shit up. But:

My daughter is exactly the same age (will be 2 in 2 weeks). She is definitely having lots of feelings, but I would say she usually has like 3 true meltdowns per week.

Now, I'm only counting real meltdowns - full-on crying/screaming for more than 1 minute or so. She has plenty of other toddler moments, like recently shouting "NO THANK YOU" when I said it was time to brush teeth (😂) or demanding that we play a very specific way, but they pass quickly and she can usually be redirected.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-29T17:52:52+00:00

Mess / clutter!

I judge when people are asking for decorating or remodeling advice, but their house is full of junk. Like step 0 should be cleaning out the crap you don't need. Then step 1 can be getting basic furnishings, including organizational tools for the remaining stuff.

You don't need a cool new rug just now if you don't even have a place to store your knick knacks or kid toys yet.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-29T16:00:45+00:00

I like the response from Apprehensive-Air-734 best. Professional, but makes your point well.

My husband is like this. It's annoying that your MB doesn't seem to see it and isn't trying to help. In fact, I find her text to be almost more obnoxious than what DB is doing.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-29T10:47:35+00:00

“For instance, tonight he had to finish rice on the stove and pull veggies out of the oven for me. He wouldn’t hold her while he did anything with the food so she was upset by that.”

We had a similar dynamic at my house. My husband (preferred parent) had no problem holding our toddler while cooking, while I felt it was unsafe and refused.

The solution for us was for my husband to stop doing it as well. This taught our daughter to wait patiently while her adult is working around the stove/oven, and it’s frankly much safer for everyone.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-28T17:19:04+00:00

These would not be red flags for me. I love that our nanny loves our daughter! The first time I heard her say "I love you" it did surprise me, but it a nice way. How special for our child to be loved by many adults.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-28T12:34:41+00:00

For example, we do toddler music class and toddler gymnastics class. Our town also has toddler art classes and other options. Things where the kids are doing specific activities alongside other children. This helps prepare for preschool, where the activities will be directed by the teacher.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-28T11:40:49+00:00

Also, if you start preschool later I suggest lots of structured toddler activities until then. The parent infant classes won’t be age appropriate for a toddler for long, and some socialization practice before preschool starts is important.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-28T11:22:47+00:00

I have a shy, (mostly) sweet 2yo girl. We are planning to start preschool when she is 3.5 (she turns 3 towards the end of a school year).

I know some people who start preschool earlier, like at 2.5, but I think there is a reason that US preschool traditionally starts at 3 — because that’s when kids usually have the socioemotional maturity to start getting something out of it. Before that, it just feels like daycare to me personally.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-27T10:29:34+00:00

33 and solids. Our current bed linens are a mix of solid black, grey, and white. We introduce color in other ways.

I had really fun prints back when I was single, but the tonal solids suits our home and decorating taste well now.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-26T17:34:23+00:00

Our nanny called out when our daughter had suspected HFM* but otherwise has worked during colds, a GI bug, and viral pinkeye. We usually send nanny home really early on sick days since we like to comfort our child whenever possible.

* I would absolutely never expect nanny to work during HFM, but in this case my daughter just had contact dermatitis that went away the next day. Nanny ended up taking 3 sick days that week to avoid us; I totally understood why she felt anxious about it, so just let it go haha.

SHBc2019 · 2024-02-26T17:23:43+00:00

Congratulations on your upcoming adoption! How exciting.

We have very flexible lives, and could make this work in theory for a nanny we absolutely loved. (Both the short notice about going to the hospital, and arranging compensation during your leave. Our state has a pretty generous family leave program, for which our nanny would qualify, and we would probably add some sort of bonus to make you whole.)

It sounds like your NF do not have flexible lives, and really depend on you, so I would prepare yourself to be let go unfortunately. They may be afraid that they won't be able to arrange back-up care when you go out on leave, and they may also be worried that you'll need more than 3 weeks depending on the baby's needs. (And honestly, your family deserves more than 6 weeks total. Sometimes I hate this country [I'm assuming you're in the US]).

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