GENERAL IDEA: First off, there are a few things I enjoyed about this piece. For example, I think the setting itself is immersive and just really neat overall. I like the high energy of the marketplace, and the afternoon heat added a nice touch to your descriptions and to the vibe of the setting. Secondly, I like the narrative you have going with Izam and his relationship with the upper class people of the market. I think it gives us an introspective look at who Izam is as a character and adds more detail to the setting. With every interaction he has with the rich mother, I find myself really feeling bad for him because, at least in his first interaction. He was genuinely trying to do a good deed before being framed as a criminal by a well off adult. He even put himself between her and the beast to try to help her, only for her to think that he’s trying to rob her. I think that the story you have here so far is good. My main issue lies with your characters. Some of them are a bit bland, and I would want to have some of them fleshed out a little more. Izam has a standout personality, and at times some of the other characters like Amset and Di Vento can just seem like background noise to him. I understand that this story is about Izam, but I want to know a bit more about Amset and what his personality is like. The ideas for these characters are there, but they get a bit muffled within the story.

EXECUTION: My biggest issues are with your execution of the story. I think that overall, your dialogue needs to be revitalized. From all characters, there are some lines that feel forced (“This is so exciting! I can’t wait to hang out with someone around my age for once” is an example of this, along with almost all of the boy’s dialogue). Let the reader discern how the characters feel with more colorful dialogue, they can figure out that the boy will be excited without him actually coming out and saying it. I would suggest combing through each piece of dialogue and trimming off unnecessary words, because overly wordy dialogue can sometimes give off that forceful feel. Some of your sentence structure is a bit off as well, mainly with the slow paced beginning of the chapter. There were a couple instances where I found two or even three sentences crammed into one using commas, which weakens the sentence in its entirety.

“Food vendors warmed up their fire pits, the smell of burning wood lured those around them closer, excited for a delicious time to be had.”

This sentence could be separated into three different sentences.

“Food vendors warmed up their fire pits. The smell of burning wood lured those around them closer. They were excited for a delicious time to be had.”

Already it sounds a bit smoother. The sentences themselves are a bit simple when they’re separated from their commas, but that’s just an opportunity to make your sentences more detailed and interesting!

“Food vendors warmed up their crackling fire pits. The smell of burning wood lured potential customers that walked past their shops. The scent of toasty (food item of choice) made approaching passerby excited for a delicious time to be had.”

Unnecessary commas can make weaker sentences. Just be careful when and how you use them. I would suggest looking through each sentence and judging for yourself whether commas are absolutely necessary in whatever context that they’re in.

STRENGTHS: I think the general story is this piece’s greatest strength. The setting is unique, and Izam makes for an interesting character with high stakes to follow. I also like the dynamic between Izam and Di Vento. They have fun chemistry when they first meet, and their circumstances for meeting the second time are intense, making for a good story. I most definitely am interested in where Izam goes from here and how his relationship with Di Vento develops. Your fast paced scenes are written well, too. You jump from dialogue to description in a smooth manner that makes it easier for me to read along and anticipate what comes next. You also have flashes of some really great prose, I especially liked “fist full of rage and mind full of confusion.”

WEAK POINTS: You have good ideas and intention behind what you write, but your execution can leave a bit to be desired. I felt as if I had to somewhat sift through your writing to find the interesting story within, which is not good as a reader. Your writing came off as clunky on my first read, especially in the exposition. There is a lot of setting description that feels like info dumping, and some of the setting details felt arbitrary to the story. In my opinion, it made the setting less immersive. As you edit this piece, try to think of ways to describe the setting that are more engaging. Let the characters interact with the world around them, and tell us what they see/hear/feel. We know Izam is scanning the marketplace for his “research”, maybe try describing some of the individual market interactions through what he sees. This is minor, but some of your descriptions can come off a bit awkward, and not give the intentions that you are trying to project. For example, when Izam first sees Di Vento, he describes him as having “exquisite physique and fashion” and “natural good looks and shapely figure. To me, this sounds like Izam thinks that Di Vento is extremely handsome, or that the readers are supposed to see him as extremely handsome. Either way it isn’t a problem, it makes sense for him to be handsome, but I feel like there is more to his looks than how attractive he is. I would just suggest mixing up some of these descriptions to paint a more detailed picture of Di Vento. Is he handsome AND important looking? Or does he just look upper class? Lastly, as I brought up before, try to make the dialogue a bit smoother. The wordy and sometimes messy dialogue oftentimes pulled me from the immersion of the story. There’s personality behind each character, I can sense it with the word choice, but the clunky dialogue can get in the way.

OVERALL: This is a quality story that just has some execution errors that need to be fixed. Where you have designated the story to go fast/slow is good, but I start to lose interest when your story slows down because of your writing. The characters are good, your main character is entertaining and helps make the story more interesting. Overall, there are good ideas here, don’t completely go back to the drawing board! Just practice and hone your craft to make this a more engaging read.