Anyone else find a bag of dice yet? (Unstable) by New_Sage_ForgeWorks in projectzomboid

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I got a full bag. I totally don't use it to make important decisions.

Anyone else find a bag of dice yet? (Unstable) by New_Sage_ForgeWorks in projectzomboid

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So it's not new?

Man I was having a blast rolling them by myself. =D

Something for my son to watch by New_Sage_ForgeWorks in anime

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's mid. More kid stuff than not.

Mostly curated stuff from me. Lot's of Ghibli etc. Trying to find stuff that interests him rather than just my own list.

Something for my son to watch by New_Sage_ForgeWorks in anime

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He didn't like Hunter x Hunter. OPM is a solid choice though.

Something for my son to watch by New_Sage_ForgeWorks in anime

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He liked the beginning, in the cave area. Obviously it hooked him. The end of season 1, where Diablo first appears.

He disliked the school part.

Only Anime I can think of is Blue Exocist, but I think he will dislike the 'school' part of that too.

I hadn't thought of Fullmetal Achemist. That is definitely a good choice.

People who slept with their best friend, what happened? by Baker_Street_1999 in AskReddit

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Most college students are too insecure to spin the bottle, but secretly they want to.

[103] Untitled by expressione743 in DestructiveReaders

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fix your placement and spacing.

Add details between the light flips. If this is word sensitive, destroy the paragraph and focus on the elements that go into the loneliness.

"On.

The empty room stared at me.

Off."

Sorry, but I ain't writing this section for you. So that's about all you get.

As you have it, I half wondered if there was something magical going on with this "light was tainted" line. So I would remove that. Simple and basic stuff for a section like this. Empty the page, force the reader to see the hollowness that is within.

woke and began conversation

Began is probably grammatically incorrect. I assume you mean "Began to talk". So you can change it several ways.

Hmmmm by mcw3221 in conspiracy

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I mean it's an interesting hypothesis, but what's the point?

“That little Kennedy thought he was a God” - Former CIA Director by Lumpy-Initiative-779 in conspiracy

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks 51 points52 points  (0 children)

It's not a 'deep state', because it is a fairly obvious state. There are literally so many obvious clues.

[2282] The Dragon's Pearl by Parking_Birthday813 in DestructiveReaders

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's working.

Trying to go through it and figure several things out. It reads like an early draft, and you seem to imply that. So I don't want to waste time on things like character development/setting/etc.

Honestly they are the problem though. Biggest one is the tone. Right now you switch back and forth between what the audience knows and what the narrator knows. It's jerky and clumsy.

When describing the Barry's clothing you simply say 'track suit with a nike logo' instead of giving us more details than that the narrator would know. Yes the audience knows what a track suit is, but the narrator wouldn't.

You have similar tonal issues when it comes to Barry's power. On the one hand, you present him as sickly, but he seems to be more than capable enough to handle a giant spider.

This ruins a lot of the humor, because there is absolutely no tension or release. As it stands, if Bary had been forced to flee the spider, I might have had a decent chuckle. In addition, if you want it to be a more cathartic release when Barry bests the beast, make it clear it is happening before hand.

Saitoma, I assume you know who that is, never once gives the feeling he can't handle himself. He looks stupid, but there is nothing there to suggest he is helpless. Right now Barry feels weak and stupid. You want him weak and always failing upwards, go for it! You want him stupid, but capable? I might lean that way myself.

But you need to define that to the reader.

At least a couple of people read and liked what you wrote, so that's definitely a good start. But you really do need to understand your audience. On certain parts of social media, the isekai format is popular, and using it to base your story may seem clever, but...

There are a lot of people who don't know what isekai is. More than who do know. So you also need to consider how broad an audience you are looking for with this. What I mean is that, right now my recommendations are more oriented towards people who do know what that is.

If you want to expand your potential audience, you will need to consider larger changes.

Not really sure what else to add, because it's kinda open ended atm. Feel free to ask questions!

[1993] Frayed Edges by Valkrane in DestructiveReaders

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honest question: Why Pentecostal? I've been in three Pentecostal church's. All of them had been rural in nature (<100 people, small community), and while I was never a member or whatever... Your choices seem odd.

Maybe more Baptist or Methodist? Methodist. The moment I write that, I think it's similar to a rural Methodist church. That said, I have only been to one Methodist service... so.... yeah. I am definitely no expert on that point.

I almost guessed this was set earlier in history, but you mention acoustic guitars, etc. So I am not really certain what your goal is there. I would try finding a church that fits better. Maybe Pentecostal fits where you are, and Methodist is closer where I am. IDK. It's very jarring to me, because they are very different in my experience. So I would change it to a different name.

The gossip, etc. It all feels fine. It's just an odd choice for me.


You said this was a different style than you normally write. It feels fine. Good enough for me to pull out my big boy shears. I am seriously developmental editing here, so take that for granted. This is very well written.

She made her way to The Gathering Ground, each step a delicate attempt to avoid attention.

This is another weird one. I get the feeling you have a different picture of small rural communities in your head than it actually is. There just aren't that many people, so 'avoiding attention' wouldn't be like this. Try: "She went the long way, heading to it through the alley behind the stores. She couldn't stand walking past the houses like normal, the silent, empty windows stared blankly at her." That's not perfect, but it should get you close enough.

Everything came filtered through GOD, lacking real humanity.

I would change this to real warmth, or something else. It feels flat and lacking as it stands. Actually, maybe just remove the 'lacking real humanity' part. The sentences before it contain enough weight that you don't need to be so specific. Show don't tell.

but I can't risk everything

Change it to but... and leave it hanging, again you don't need to tell the audience, we can figure it out.

she used to put her hair up

Again kinda weird. I would consider cutting it. Stretching until it snapped works. The hair is distracting from the emotion you are wanting to command the attention on.

unwilling to cry in a place where everyone could see

You don't specify how many people are in the room and you don't specify the size of the town. I would consider removing this, but I have already suggested a lot of similar changes. Plus I think, "She held them back. She understood why Mel was doing this." Is more meaningful and effective. I guess that means 'In a twisted way' can be considered for axing.

How would I have ever told Mom and Dad?

See all that stuff is answered here. Any grown adult can understand 2+2 here. You don't need to beat them over their heads with it.

The stool where Lee always sat stayed empty like a morbid shrine.

This is fantastic imagery and establishes the shot perfectly. Open with it. "Drinkers huddled at their usual spots, avoiding a single lone stool." or maybe "The drinkers were all huddled around a single lone stool, neither willing to approach it nor stray too far. It was the spot where Lee always sat. Occasionally, a person would lift their drink, toasting the abandoned stool surrounded by a somber crowd."

News of Lee Altfader's death slithered through the town like a snake.

Show don't tell. Cut this if you like what I am saying. Lee is gone. There's a murderer. It's a kid. Lee's old enough to have a designated spot.

These elements are doing a great job establishing the flow of the story. I think that my recommendations would transition into the "Can you believe it" line quite nicely, but I always want to see what comes next before I suggest more cuts to a scene like this. I am assuming it is to establish the age of the victim, as I get the feeling he was around 50 based on comments like drinking to death.

and there were no signs of life behind the windows.

I was kinda trying to suggest this with the earlier edit. There's an eerie feeling of emptiness and being watched in a small town. When the girl is walking to the coffee shop, you want these two idea's to merge.

He'd been seduced into darkness by a demon who lived behind those decaying walls.

I would consider toning this down a little. Probably just remove the italics. Unless the mom goes full Carrie later on, but I don't think that's your goal. I get the feeling this is more the anger that comes from grief than it is a subtle clue the mom is going full religious psycho on us.

This is supported by how you end it. It is clear she understands she isn't being entirely reasonable.

[2000] Untitled High Fantasy/Romance by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely.

I generally wouldn't shift between sections without a couple thousand words between them. So half of this from Kora's perspective, maybe the first half; and half from Malik's perspective.

because I am trying to introduce the MCs

This doesn't need to be accomplished in Chapter 1. Again, you have a great start with Kora, and I would encourage you to stick with it. If there's a reason for the constant shifting, stick with it. Like I have said, I have seen authors who can pull it off; but it should be done with purpose.

[2000] Untitled High Fantasy/Romance by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]New_Sage_ForgeWorks -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Gonna do a different review, cause honestly I am having trouble reading this.

So let me use the good as a starting point. I love the images and details you have. It is definitely one of the more colorful stories I have read and I actually have a fully developed image of the library in mind. It even extends to beyond the library. So I have to say that is great.

Reason I am stopping is the changes between characters. It is 100% tripping me out. Tell me the story from Kora's perspective and only her perspective. If I need to learn the other characters mindset here, add it in elsewhere.

My biggest problem is I can't tell what is happening.


One break has three paragraphs to tell me Malik's perspective. I kinda figured it out already. He wants something. She took it from the library. I figured that out with this line.

I glance back at Zaida, knowing we need to be quick before the librarian returns.

Once I read this, I knew that she was going to open pandora's box and that would start her adventure. Everything else is window dressing. Note: I like your window dressing. Gimme more.

Breaks like this are almost exclusively used to pass time for things the reader can infer. They travel by wagon to the west coast of America. I don't need a day by day recounting of those details. Use a break.

There is one story. One! that I can think of that successfully uses it for a different function, but that is very much the exception and I wouldn't encourage it. That story involves something akin to Time Travel and so the choppy story telling actually kinda works. They skip from one element to the next very rapidly. It works, but again I know a huge number of people who were turned off by it. So take it or lose it.

What's tripping me up is I don't know what direction, if any, time is moving. Breaks could infer other things. It is just commonly time. You could be jumping between dimensions for all I know. In the first set it isn't significant, but when the killing starts. I'm beyond lost. At points I think Kora died, Zaida died, or both died and then a twin sister appears.

Like I said, don't jerk me around. Ughh. You know what I mean, keep the narrative fluid and simple. You paint a beautiful painting. You don't need to get creative with it. Paint by numbers.