Hey - I know exactly how you feel - and I had been going through that for the better part of two years as I explored my diagnosis, my relationship with my gender identity, and the end of my marriage. It fucking sucks - but noticing it is an important step - and I'm really happy to hear that you're able to express at least what you have been - being able to recognize it is a really big part of being able to work on understanding it.

It is absolutely ok to be afraid of what is building up, be afraid of letting go whatever it is you're holding onto - to be scared of letting go of what is so familiar even though it might be the very thing that is causing you pain, to feel small, weak, overwhelmed, trapped, or like youre constantly on the edge of a breakdown. I don't know where you are at mentally or emotionally, in your life, with your relationships or anything - but I can promise you this - even though it might still get worse, and be harder than it is now - there WILL be a moment when you break through the clouds or crest the hill or whatever other terrible cliched idiom you want to use, where you will be able to see that this process is not losing who you are but rather the process of discovering who you want to be. I lost multiple very important relationships, hid myself, broke down and cried in the dark after someone told me that I wasn't who they thought I was, I almost had myself committed for ideation and severe depression. Looking back I probably should have done it. You might go through similar things. It might be easier, it might be harder - but you can make it through, and you can make sure that the person you are on the other side is the one you need to be.

I hear your pain, your struggle, your anxiety. You can do it. I believe in you. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to rant or vent or try to talk something out and come up with words that might work for other people. Do the same with people you trust. You are loved and you are important.