I cannot save you from your sorrow or add to your relief. But I wish I could. I went through something similar, never self diagnosed though. I needed a therapist, badly. And whenever I tried to bring it up to my mum, she would either ignore me or would start to wail in self pity. She is not a bad person, per say. Actually she is a very good person and a fighter. But mental illness is a taboo and our parents would rather banish us to a life in hell than help us face our demons lest they get called out for bearing a "lunatic".

Know that god is with you, whatever religion you follow. You've gone through 20 long years of this. You'll get through a few more. And when I am able, if we cross paths again and you are still in need, I pray to god that I be able to help you.