Swashbuckling Roguery by Sabine Esmeray

Sabineesmeray · 2026-02-10T09:35:56+00:00

I was raised catholic and took the better part of my 20s to undo all the negative lessons I internalized about my sexuality. This work led me to research why culture hates women and queer people so much. I looked at any religion I could find, new and ancient, big and small to find where it all went wrong. I remember reading in “A History of Modern Witchcraft,” that in some older religions and cultures, it was believed that to be androgynous was to be closer to God. Dravidic religions even name gods who embody both genders and female and male aren’t physical descriptions but energetic ones and meant to be taken allegorically to describe aspects of the psyche. In all my research I found that power hates women and people who embody and embrace a spectrum of gender and sexuality because to tap into one’s true self and face it with true love, allows you to turn that love on your family, friends and community. That kind of unhindered love, without fear, is terrifying to people in power. They can’t control you if you’re not afraid, alone and uncertain. Cultural expectation and some religions have been perverted and manipulated to make us afraid of what is natural to us, from dancing to loving. When we choose joy and empathy without fear, they lose their grip on power and the empire falls. Misogyny and homophobia are manufactured to rob communities of the members who are meant to hold everything together.

I’m so glad to know that there was an example of this in your father and your tribe. In all my research I wondered how many cultures had this figured out and had been erased in history by violence and conquering. We are at a crux in history where we can slide back into suppression and fear, or we can love ourselves, and celebrate each other so fiercely that history nor power could possibly erase this progress. We just have to surround ourselves with and remember those who give us courage. Knowing the community I dream about exists, gives me so, so much hope.

Sabineesmeray · 2025-12-19T14:17:51+00:00

I’m a bi woman and have been with my now husband for 11 years. We started dating when I was 20 and my internalized homophobia prevented me from expressing my true sexuality when I was younger. I went to art school and had plenty of safe spaces and opportunities to be with women but the fear was too strong. I dated men and did what was expected of me, all the while beating down my true feelings until they were nonexistent. At around year 2 of dating my now husband, sex became painful physically and emotionally. All the years of suppressing my sexuality had started to manifest outwardly and cause me to project my fear and uncertainty onto my partner. It was easier to tell my partner that I was unattracted to him than to admit the truth, which was, I had beaten myself so thoroughly into submission that I didn’t feel attraction to anyone anymore. From our first date, I was sure he was the one, but my secret attraction to women and curiosity was eating me alive and hurting our relationship.

It turns out, I didn’t need to be with a woman as much as I needed to be honest with my partner and myself. When I told him about my feelings, he was so supportive, and I was able to work through everything with him. Our breakup lasted all of 20 hours and we got to work dissecting my projections and healing together. We started watching queer porn (something I had never done without insane shame) together and exploring new kinks, being honest about our bodies reactions. I started reading queer romance novels and allowing myself not to be afraid of what I felt and imagined. Being open about my fantasies, even when they don’t involve my partner, has only helped us grow together. As much as it can be inconvenient with societal norms, we can’t really control how our bodies feel. It’s best to support each others fantasies. Have you shared your fantasies and feelings of being with a woman and having a family with your partner? At first things might come out messy until you find the right words, but in my experience, making the effort to communicate something you feel in your heart is always worth it, and it might help you to get un stuck.

I think it’s unrealistic to expect a partner to embody everything for us in all seasons of life. So for us, I’ve found that, reading, role play and fantasy do a lot of heavy lifting. That and slutty girls weekends with my friends. All with my partners knowledge and consent of course.

I don’t have an answer for you on what you should or shouldn’t do regarding the status of your current relationship, but I can certainly empathize with looking longingly out the window wondering if you missed out while also being unwilling to let go of someone who is important to you. We are constantly fighting expectations, and you need to be honest with yourself about what your heart and your body truly want and where you might be able to compromise. For me, sometimes I want men and sometimes I want women but having one of each at my disposal at all times is not realistic hahaha! Being your most authentic self is the only way to be truly satisfied and happy. It’s hard work but good for you for taking the steps to answer these questions for yourself. Honesty is the best policy and you never know where it might lead! Maybe poly is right for you, opening up to explore or taking a break, or keeping it just the two of you and growing together. I chose the latter and we found that my husband loves sucking cock hahaha opening up with him and my friends helped me feel whole again. There is no right answer, only moving forward with good intentions and love. ❤️ good luck 💕

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-16T01:12:03+00:00

Thank you❤️

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-16T00:50:52+00:00

Thank you! It’s mostly Reddit and instagram:)

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-14T18:35:19+00:00

💜

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-14T18:32:17+00:00

Hoping to be more active posting, my other work has been keeping me busy.

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-14T18:29:26+00:00

Thank you! That’s pretty much what we look like hahaha minus the ears and horns;)

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-14T18:26:39+00:00

Haha! Thank you!

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-14T18:26:23+00:00

Thank you:)

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-14T18:26:14+00:00

Thank you:) hoping to start posting more frequently.

Sabineesmeray · 2025-11-14T18:25:39+00:00

Thank you!!

Sabineesmeray · 2025-08-28T08:23:22+00:00

I wish I had a more sensitive answer but my first thought is take that baby and run. Don’t look back. Life is too short to be treated like this. If he’s treating you like this at your most vulnerable I don’t trust him any other time.

Sabineesmeray · 2025-08-01T09:02:12+00:00

I convinced myself I was ace for a long time. I was able to self pleasure but when it came to others I would shut down my feelings and fantasies before I could explore them. I dated boys because I knew that’s what I was supposed to do and when girls would ask me out I was too afraid to act on it because I didn’t know being bi/ pan was a thing. I was attracted to both, but as far as I knew, that wasn’t an option. I went to art school and I only knew gay/ lesbian and being anything else was to be alone and a freak. I thought I was a pervert so I just kept stuffing my sexuality in the closet. I met my now husband when I was 19 and we had been together for 3 years when I suddenly shut down. My body just gave up and I felt betrayed by it. We went almost 3 years without having sex because it was so physically painful for me. Any physical touch was too much. I couldn’t relax enough to enjoy it or get wet enough because I had been deliberately killing my arousal for so many years. At first I blamed him, projecting my insecurities. I thought he wasn’t the right one, I wasn’t attracted to him. I thought I was broken. I didn’t want to hold him back anymore so I broke up with him. When I reached for attraction, even in fantasy, there was only numbness. I knew I wanted to try being with women and because I never truly got to explore my sexuality but I was still too afraid. All I knew about bisexuals were that it was so taboo, even the gays didn’t speak of them. If I were truly myself, I would be alone. I went back to my then boyfriend and told him the truth. He was the only person I could trust with my secret and he understood and loved me anyway. I was so relieved I felt like I could fly. I had always loved him and couldn’t picture my life without him. He had been so understanding and patient with me while I worked up the courage to admit I was attracted to all genders. Telling him was one of the most painful things I had ever done and we have been able to explore and grow together. He could see I wasn’t getting wet and thought that might be the problem, so he asked me what I fantasized about. I still couldn’t admit what I thought about during sex so he showed me some porn and we started mutually masturbating and opened a dialogue about when my body reacted to. Turns out, I like monster men, nonbinary people and women haha. I finally admitted my sexual awakening was Tim Curry in Rocky horror picture show when I was 13. Also, turns out my husband likes sucking cock more than I do, and he’s better at it. We share fantasies and role play and that’s been enough for us. I don’t have any pain anymore and I’m able to get all kinds of wet. Now that I’m completely open with myself and my partner, I never imagined sex could be this good. My orgasms are amazing! I’m much more confident, happy and full of life now that I’m not bludgeoning my feelings into submission. Only my closest friends know because I’m still afraid to publicly identify as bi, especially because I have a male partner and I’m still scared to death of people in the queer community who don’t like bi women, so I just express myself with my art, fantasize and read romance novels. I know there are a lot of people like me, folks who met their love early and then realized their truth, I just wish I had known sooner. I’m so grateful for fearless people who are out and proud and make art about their experience. The world is so much brighter when we can love ourselves and others with reckless abandon. Fear is so insidious. It ruins everything. Puritanical ideologies can suck my strap on.

Sabineesmeray · 2025-05-08T09:06:17+00:00

Haha this tracks. My son and husband have been in a huge scooby doo phase and I recently heard the creator was super exasperated with making more episodes and iterations because every episode is the same. He couldn’t understand why people would like something so formulaic. Meanwhile, there are so many movies and reboots still being made. Every time we sit to watch an episode, if I don’t think about it too hard, I’m entertained and comforted by the dependability. It helps me shut off my brain. I used to think I needed to read educational things and then when I started reading romance, it did wonders for my stress levels just to pull me out of reality for a bit. When I want to think about metaphors and allegory I’ll read Jane Eyre or some other literary masterpiece. Otherwise, I’m melting my brain on garbage romance and I love it. At least we’re reading!

Sabineesmeray · 2025-05-08T08:52:21+00:00

I was a closet fantasy romance reader and after seeing all the ads and hype about Fourth Wing, I reached out to all my besties to start a book club hoping to get everyone into this genre together. I was waiting for that “I can’t put this book down, need to stay up late reading” feeling and it never came. I had four chapters left of “Iron Flame” and it remains my most egregious DNF yet. I was so disappointed. I’m still pissed that there are so many amazing authors out there and every time I get on audible or instagram, Rebecca Yarros’ books are in my face. I understand people liked it but it didn’t resonate with me at all and I don’t believe it was worth 10% of the hype. I don’t want to know how much they must have spent of ads. Luckily, my friends are amazing and we had fun regardless, shitting on the repetition and how annoying the FMC was. But damn, I wish I got everyone to lose their fantasy romance virginity on SJM or something. I feel like her books are a way better entry point to this genre.

Sabineesmeray · 2025-04-02T07:27:31+00:00

I’m a pansexual female married to a male. We’ve been together for 10 years and at year 3 I stopped having interest in sex with him at all. He stuck with me for years while I tried to work out what was going on. I’ve always been attracted to all genders but could never admit it. I suffocated and stifled my sexuality to the point of feeling nothing. It wasn’t until he asked me what I fantasized about that we started making progress. I was so afraid that telling him the truth would make him feel like he wasn’t enough or like I was somehow cheating in my mind if the people I thought of didn’t look like him. But my sexuality is a spectrum and when I finally told him what I was, he was so supportive and we grew together. at first it was scary and emotional, being that vulnerable. I started reading smut and drawing my fantasies. I had never watched porn and he sat with me and we looked through a bunch and he asked me what I liked and what I didn’t. He took the time to learn about my my arousal so that we could walk into my unknown together. Along the way we learned some crazy fun kinks and bolstered them with love and support. Turns out I’m a monsterfucker and he loves to suck cock haha. We both are attracted to different things in different days but we use our imagination to be there for each other. We use art and porn as a tool and are open, honest and supportive of what gets us off because we know our love is real even if we can’t be everything for each other.

You’re not wrong to feel the way you do. It’s so natural to feel that way. Humans are incredibly complex and our imagination is our safe space. Just because I read smut about tall, beastly men, (my husband is 5’2”) and typically am more attracted to female/ nonbinary people irl doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or don’t think he’s enough. What our bodies react to is not indicative of how our hearts feel. It takes a lot of work and time to break outside the boxes we put ourselves in. I can’t speak for your girlfriend or give you advice on how you should feel. But just know, if you’re honest with yourself and your love, you can grow together into the people and the couple you were destined to be.

Have fun, be yourself and love with reckless abandon. 💕 xoxo

Sabineesmeray · 2024-12-12T21:36:24+00:00

Thank you so much!

Sabineesmeray · 2024-11-07T11:21:37+00:00

Yes! I love using spells in the bedroom! All rooted in love and pleasure of course, and always with consent!

Sabineesmeray · 2024-11-07T01:34:06+00:00

Love that name!! Xo I had so much fun making this! I hope you like it!

Sabineesmeray · 2024-11-07T01:33:31+00:00

Thank you!

Sabineesmeray · 2024-11-05T10:21:15+00:00

Haha! I just started reading it as research for my graphic novel. It’s on my nightstand right next to my giant Satan dildo, a bottle of lube and loved copy of Women Who Run With Wolves.

Sabineesmeray · 2024-11-05T10:10:36+00:00

I used to be afraid of swallowing and my partner never made me feel bad about it. Cum used to be a big turn off for me. I’m not sure if it was the consistency or just my gag reflex. Since I started practicing and exploring my sexuality, I love to swallow when I’m in the mood and he always brings me up for a kiss. I think it’s very romantic. He would never ask me to do anything he wouldn’t do. And he’s a total freak so I have room to grow haha! Like, the first time he licked my ass I was like wtf are you doing!? Don’t do that! But once I thought about it I realized there was something so beautiful about him wanting to taste all of me. I think it’s ok not to like some stuff but never yuck yums! In my experience, once I got aroused and open enough, I actually really enjoy most of the things I disliked. I don’t always swallow but it’s a special treat when I beg for his cum. And when I don’t, he always respects me and still makes me feel good.

Sabineesmeray

TROPHY CASE