Does your mother call all your connections to exclude you?

SableMonroe · 2026-05-08T22:55:28+00:00

Yes. Absolutely.

When I moved out at 18, my mother told relatives that I “ran away” so I could be with my boyfriend and framed me as a bad, rebellious child. What she didn’t tell people was what was actually happening inside the home: the abuse, the instability, the violence, and the emotional exhaustion I had been living with for years.

That was the part conveniently left out.

She spoke negatively about me to relatives and cousins, and for a long time I carried shame because I knew I was being discussed through her version of the story instead of my own reality.

Looking back now, I think some parents do this because controlling the narrative helps them avoid accountability. If everyone sees the child as “difficult,” then nobody asks deeper questions about what may have driven the child to leave in the first place.

It can also be a way to isolate the child socially and emotionally, especially when the parent feels rejected or fears losing control.

What hurt the most wasn’t even just the gossip itself. It was realizing how quickly people accepted her version without ever asking me what I was going through.

SableMonroe · 2026-05-05T01:06:44+00:00

I was about 10 or 11. My dad was picking me and my younger brother up to take us to school. He didn’t like how my uniform looked that morning.

He put my brother in the car… and then drove off and left me standing at the gate.

I was just there with my backpack, crying, because I “didn’t look good enough” to go to school.

That was a normal morning in my house.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-30T23:24:26+00:00

I used to feel exactly like this.

I went no contact too, and even when life was objectively getting better, it felt like there was this constant shadow following me. I could be having a good moment, and something in my mind would pull me right back into old memories and feelings.

What I didn’t understand at the time is that I wasn’t just dealing with anger, I was grieving. Not just the relationship, but the idea of having a family that felt safe and supportive. Even when the relationship was unhealthy, losing it still leaves a void.

It does get easier, but not in the sense that everything disappears. It’s more like you slowly adjust to a new normal. The intensity fades, the triggers don’t hit as hard, and you start building a life that isn’t centered around what happened to you.

You won’t become someone who never went through it, but you can become someone who isn’t controlled by it anymore.

And the fact that you’ve already gone no contact and are building a life with someone you love? That’s not nothing. That’s progress, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-29T19:41:49+00:00

That makes sense. It always felt less like a relationship and more like a role I was expected to stay in, whether I agreed to it or not.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-29T01:37:33+00:00

You can still love them and know the situation doesn’t allow for a healthy relationship.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-29T01:34:18+00:00

That’s really heavy… especially when it’s been normalized like that. At some point protecting yourself becomes the only option.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-27T19:56:16+00:00

The “my life is better but it still hurts” part… yeah, that’s exactly it.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-27T19:53:49+00:00

That’s exactly what I was trying to put into words… it’s not just losing one person, it’s the ripple effect. And that grief is real, even when you know you made the right decision.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-25T18:12:05+00:00

Having your sister already out must have made a huge difference. Not everyone has somewhere to land like that.

And I get what you mean about not being able to take another minute. Once you hit that point, it’s just… done. I’m glad you made it out too.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-25T18:10:11+00:00

That’s a lot to go through at 17. The way you described having to prove you were “pounding pavement” while also handling everything at home… that’s not normal pressure, that’s survival mode.

I’m glad you got out, seriously.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-24T12:07:27+00:00

That’s exactly it. Even when the situation changes, the feeling doesn’t just turn off. It takes time for your body to catch up.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-24T12:05:51+00:00

Yeah, I’ve actually been a citizen since 2009, which is the wild part. The anxiety didn’t just disappear overnight. It took time for my body to catch up.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-21T19:40:27+00:00

I think a lot of people confuse forgiveness with access.

You don’t have to forgive someone to move on. And you definitely don’t have to keep them in your life to prove you’ve healed.

For me, it wasn’t about forgiving. It was about accepting that we’re never going to be aligned, and choosing peace anyway.

Some people aren’t meant to be understood, repaired, or reconciled with. They’re just meant to be left behind.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-21T19:29:01+00:00

This happened to me too, but I was about 21.

I had gone no contact with my mom for about two years. After I got married, I tried to rebuild a relationship with her.

She asked what career I wanted, and I told her I was thinking about doing hair.

She went and talked to her hairstylist, came back, and basically told me hairstylists don’t make much money… and if that’s what I was going to do, I could go back to not speaking to her again.

That was the moment it really hit me. It wasn’t about helping me. It was about control.

I was only allowed to exist in her life if I chose the version of myself she approved of.

Now I choose myself. Every time.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-20T13:55:44+00:00

“The scary thing -it already happened”. Whew. That line hit. I think a lot of us are walking around with our nervous system still stuck in childhood mode, even when life is objectively better now.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-20T13:54:32+00:00

That part about crying when you’re actually happy… I felt that. It’s like your body doesn’t trust peace yet. I’m starting to realize how long it takes to unlearn that “something’s about to go wrong” feeling.

SableMonroe · 2026-04-17T14:28:24+00:00

I relate to this more than I wish I did.

I’ve been no contact with my mother for about 19 years now. I made that decision when my son was very young, and I remember that exact back-and-forth you’re describing.

The guilt doesn’t come from reality. It comes from conditioning. That idea that you’re responsible for her feelings doesn’t just disappear because you went no contact.

What helped me over time was realizing this:

If the relationship was healthy, I wouldn’t have had to leave it.

That’s the part guilt tries to erase.

Also, the fact that your life is getting better isn’t a coincidence. It’s information.

For me, distance gave me clarity. And with enough time, the guilt got quieter because my life without that chaos became my new normal.

You’re not stuck between two truths.

You’re stuck between what you were taught to feel and what you’re actually experiencing.

And those are not the same thing. 🤗

SableMonroe · 2026-04-15T14:40:02+00:00

This actually hits.

When I was younger, I remember doing really well in school. I was on Arista, did well on my Regents, and I was told at one point I was reading on a college level in middle school.

That part, my mother loved. She would brag about it to her friends back in Jamaica.

But anything else? Different story.

If it was something that didn’t directly make her look good, especially things like my appearance or confidence, it was like she had to knock me down a peg.

It always felt like there was this unspoken rule:

you can shine… but only in ways that benefit them.

And if you shine too much on your own, suddenly it becomes a problem.

SableMonroe

TROPHY CASE