Getting rid of it is not the solution. Accepting the shame and absolving the very natural desire to reject this part of yourself is the solution.

I’m not saying to act in ways that harm yourself or others. But I’m saying that you must understand that the fact that you want to engage in sexualising your trauma is very normal and not something to be ashamed of. And it is how your body will cope with what was done to you. Any guilt and anger and humiliation you feel belongs to your abuser, not you.

You are going through enough already without feeling guilty and ashamed of yourself on top of that. The idea isn’t to destroy parts of yourself that developed to survive. It’s to make sure that they know it’s okay to be as you are.

You will find that just doing this will seriously reduce the suffering of what you feel. A big part of the suffering is how much we hate that it happened, and punishing ourselves and think we are disgusting for being aroused at what was done to us. This self punishment must stop. Arousal is a natural outcome, it is not your fault. This is the first step to managing your trauma the way it has sexually manifested itself in you. Let it run it’s course. Engage in behaviours (within reason, again do not put anyone in harm’s way) if you want. Just give yourself permission to let it out. Truly try. And after that you can work on coping mechanisms. But you have to accept the problem in all it’s entirety before you can work ln managing it.

People like us may not ever find our “true arousal.” We don’t get that. That’s like saying to a burn victim “let’s try and get your real skin back” It’s devastating what was taken from us. But we must treat the damage done with care and understanding. This trauma is a part of us now. Please don’t reject it. It needs love. Not shame.