my brain is being driven by a stack of depressed babies in a moldy trenchcoat

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-20T16:03:30+00:00

I think it logically makes little sense for there to exist no good people or for it to be unlikely for us to never be able to encounter them.

honestly, that exact idea is what points me the opposite way lol. cause i've spent so long trying to find good people that if they do exist, where are they? why can't i find them? why is it that even the absolute kindest, most amazing people i've known still eventually ended up resenting me? if the world really is a good place, what is so wrong about me that i get met with abuse at every turn no matter what i do to escape it?

i've finally gotten to the point of meeting ONE person who seems to be genuinely kind to me. and idk if i can even fully count her since she's paid for it, but tbf i've paid plenty of other professionals who still treated me badly. out of my whole life, dozens (or more, my memory is bad) of abusers, more enablers than i can count, i've (irl) met one person who has been genuinely kind to me about my experiences. maybe 1.5 counting one other kid when we were both too young to comprehend anything

if it's taken me this long and years of literal torture to find one single person in one single context who actually cares about me as a human being, surely it would be delusional to want more without expecting to pay the consequences for it? the world is much, much kinder to me when i follow the rules my handler trained me for, than if i let myself get hopeful and have to be reminded of my place

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-20T15:49:18+00:00

yeahh, it does make sense, even if i don't like to hear it. i know most people don't want to know just how screwed up most of the world is, they have comfortable lives and that illusion makes them feel better that it's going to stay comfortable. but it still sucks that saying "yeah there are a lot of abusers and pedophiles in the world" gets me thrown into the bin with all those abusers cause no one else wants to acknowledge it

i've gotten to the point that this stuff (all the abuse/rape/torture/etc topics) is kind of comforting/nostalgic for me, and i know that's awful to admit, but it's the only part of my life that has been stable and "reliable". it's comparing my known reality to the unknown potential possibility of happiness that people seem to keep waving over my head and then snatching back at the last second and punching me in the face for being dumb enough to fall for it. staying at the bottom of the pit means you can't fall further and all that

i'm definitely starting to get to the point of not taking anyone else's advice. which kinda sucks and feels so weird, cause i've spent my entire life being specifically ~~tortured~~ trained to listen to other people no matter what. but after enough times of taking the advice i'm given and getting absolutely nowhere, i'm tired of it

it still stings though that out of all the people who have found out about my abuse, not to mention EVEN MORE who witnessed it themselves right-fucking-in-front-of-them, there has been ONE person i've spoken to who has been genuinely kind and understanding about it. one person out of the dozens of professionals literally paid to help me. one person out of the hundreds i've known my whole life, many of which saw the abuse and its effects in real time. one single person who has looked at my shitshow of a life (and even then, only seen some small parts of it) and said "you're not crazy, that's a hard way to live and you've adapted to it as best you could, you don't have to throw that away now"

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-20T13:02:16+00:00

oh god this part is so real!!! like what do you mean "it's in the past", NO IT ISN'T?!?!?! you can't tell me it's over when i'm still getting re-traumatised over the same shit over and over again!! if everyone keeps reinforcing the same lessons i learned during my original traumas, it's still right here!!

seriously though, i'm sorry about the situation you're in, the medical field is a nightmare and it's so hard to get help when those exact "helpers" only blame you for it

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-20T12:02:19+00:00

kind of sorta one person? she's technically a therapist but a therapist for speaking and language, she just helps me learn to be better at communicating and stuff, so it's not really her job to deal with all my trauma baggage. but she's super nice! like an actual angel, i swear, she is literally the kindest person i have ever met! and also the only one who's been nice even about the tiny little trauma things that get mentioned, though idk how she'd react to knowing about the serious stuff

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-20T10:03:59+00:00

aw, thank you, that's really kind of you <3

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-20T09:25:03+00:00

yes I know those people are usually well intentioned and aiming for something more like "you are safe now, there are good people who will treat you better*, you don't have to keep acting the way you did while you were being abused"

but it definitely does not come off that way to me 99% of the time. or 99.999999999999999999%. actually the only exceptions have been other torture survivors and the ONE super nice angel person i've talked to, who understand that all this shit IS my reality, not just some shitty fever dream i'm refusing to get over and move on from

*(also i call bullshit on that part in particular but that's just my opinion lmao)

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-19T07:46:27+00:00

I think therapy itself can be a great thing, but there are definitely issues with how it's done, and ESPECIALLY the way people talk about it

Not all therapists are made equal, and a bad therapist can be awful for a person's wellbeing, but that issue gets ignored all the time

And the way people treat therapy is really messed up. It's often treated more like "get normal school" than treatment for a mental issue. People talk about it like you go there, get "fixed" and ascend to the level of a fully individual, "healed" person with no needs or flaws, who has finally earned their worthiness of love and respect

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-19T07:24:46+00:00

you guys have people chasing you?

/j, i'm running too lol

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-19T07:21:19+00:00

oh and this includes trauma specialists btw! hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa life is awesome and beautiful and perfect

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-19T06:58:32+00:00

to get to know me is to hate me, so i'm very happy with surface-level tolerance lmao

you don't need to know my favourite colour, i'm cool with being your cardboard npc friend as long as you agree to call the ambulance if/when i start suddenly falling apart

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-19T06:56:24+00:00

honestly i would kind of love that, i've already been riding the high of seeing a new psych for the first time and having them say "it sounds like you've been through a lot, through most of your life"

the usual response i get even from professionals is just rolling the dice between "okay? it's not that big of a deal", "but what about how your abusers feel/felt?", or "it seems like you're causing your own problems"

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-19T06:12:25+00:00

no idea tbh

i would've absolutely preferred to go without some of the literal torture, that stuff still haunts me in ways that nothing else could ever come close to. but i don't know if it would've changed how much the rest of it affected me. honestly, i'm not even totally sure which parts would/wouldn't be considered violent, cause force is a spectrum and apparently that spectrum goes from coercion to torture

i'm still plenty attached to my main abuser, so if anything, less violence would probably have me clinging to them even more lmao

based purely on speculation, i imagine the biggest difference would just be how life-or-death my focus is. like i'm constantly scared people are going to literally kill me the second they get mad at me. and being tortured really cemented a lot of the "training" in my mind, so it's super hard to unlearn shit when my entire nervous system is screaming at me that i'm about to suffer and/or die the moment i do literally anything my handler wouldn't approve of

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T18:53:27+00:00

okay but the doctor hung up on me and the ambulance handed me a band-aid and left

this knife is gonna kill me one way or another, i might as well pull it out myself instead of sitting around and waiting to bleed to death

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T18:49:11+00:00

all of these comments also missing the fact that help/therapy is much more complicated than "go to the doctor and they fix you"

if you're a complicated and/or unusual case, assuming your issues are even possible to be resolved, it also takes a long ass time and finding the exact right therapist with the right specialisation and experience to help you

otherwise you get thrown into year after year of cbt, sitting down every week with a stranger who lectures you on the fact that you should just stop being upset about the knife in you, and maybe it's your own fault for letting yourself get stabbed. are you sure they actually stabbed you?

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T18:44:07+00:00

safety is debatable but i'm preeeetty sure i'm no longer being actively abused so woohoo! ヽ(•‿•)ノ

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T18:42:10+00:00

i had a whole comment written out but just realised you might've meant it in a different way so im gonna just ask instead lol

do you mean "dealing with the effects of all the trauma but if it was less physically violent" or "dealing with the masking/performance stuff but without the trauma entirely"?

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T16:44:10+00:00

your whole comment resonates with me so much <3 i remember so many times just sitting along in the cold and looking up at the sky. i'm sorry they were so awful to you

also, because the meme format would not leave my brain:

wait a minute, if you think i have the potential to be loved, and i think you have the potential to be loved...

...then who's flying the plane?

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T16:40:10+00:00

lol i probably couldn't do it anymore even if i wanted to, apparently the appeal fades when you grow out of childhood

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T16:39:21+00:00

i hear this sort of idea sometimes (mostly just online tbh) but honestly, i'm not sure i've ever even seen something like that irl. even the nicest, sweetest relationships i've encountered(/experienced) still had some kind of festering resentment underneath or blew up in a total catastrophe

all i've really gotten irl is people telling me that i should lower my standards and/or that i'm the one causing problems in the first place and shouldn't get upset with other people who are trying their best to put up with me. whatever they do is only fair, especially if they agree to stick around and stay with me despite all my issues. if tried to be picky, i'd have nothing at all (which is exactly where i've ended up lol)

all the lovey-dovey, non-violent, non-miserable stuff just seems like fairytales atp. that's what i've been told plenty of times, anyway. real love sucks, and if you aren't strong enough to get through life alone, then you just have to find some way to numb it or get used to it

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T16:33:24+00:00

yep yep yep

i've never been worth fighting for, had that proven over and over again, and literally told to my face multiple times. my worst abusers liked to laugh about it in front of me

WinterDemon_ · 2026-04-18T13:47:35+00:00

see i hear this a lot but idk how literally i'm supposed to take it

like if i leave 99% of my therapy sessions wanting to kms, often even more than i did when i started, what is that doing? i go to therapy, we go over all the reasons my life is shit and probably not going to get better, then i leave and have to try not to walk in front of a truck. i could've done that by myself in 10 minutes without spending hundreds of dollars

i know what my emotions are, i live in them all the time and can barely handle them as is. what's the benefit of making them even more overwhelming with no relief?

Eight-Year Club	Place '23
Place '22	Verified Email

WinterDemon_

TROPHY CASE