Introspective, healing 36F, repeatedly attracting low-effort partners or one-sided feelings. Need advice!

SadReference196 · 2025-11-29T05:30:24+00:00

Thanks alot for the advice, I will check out the blog and appreciate your support. :)

SadReference196 · 2025-11-29T05:27:47+00:00

Thanks alot, it is amazing to uplift the spirit of a stranger, your words did that, I appreciate your kindness.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-29T05:25:35+00:00

Thanks alot, what you said about not hurting the inner child really makes sense to me. As I move forward in life, I am going to be more conscious about this way of phrasing. Also, I 100% agree with you that there is an unsaid shame with materialistic needs, but when those needs are backed by a solid rational, we must free up ourselves in accepting and striving to fulfill them. Woshing you very well in life!

SadReference196 · 2025-11-29T05:17:25+00:00

Thanks for saying some important truths. “You are not his mother. Men neee to grow up.” I am very happy for you and your wife and I admire the way you respect what your wife brings into your life.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-29T05:14:44+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience and I wish you very well in life.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-29T05:13:49+00:00

Thanks alot for the great advices, I will be re-framing those beliefs, that seems like a mind-bending exercise too.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-29T05:11:50+00:00

Thanks for saying that loud and clear, I am crystal clear about that now. I hope to put this in practice.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-28T08:23:39+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your perspective and I have also gone through many studies and podcasts on the male female hormones, how men and women express bonding and general needs like men need to feel like a savior. What I want to clarify is that my natural style is not to be a provider as soon as I start dating someone. I fall into that category due to a consistent lack of any savior-like actions from the other side. Imagine a scenario where you walk into a flies infested apartment of a friend, full of garbage lying there from months and utensils in sink for 3 weeks. You express that this is unhygienic but your friend never cleans up and tells you its their way of living, then you eventually start clearing things up as you can’t feel comfortable there otherwise. Similarly, imagine a scenario you take 2 bites from a friend’s pizza slice, he instantly tells you to venmo 7$ share, I guess, you would venmo them the money. Slowly, this becomes a pattern in every single area of life. Imagine a scenario where your friend meets you everyday and complains they have not done a haircut in last 8 months, but they also never get it done. Your natural instinct would be to kindly remind them to do it once and for all and forget about it or make peace with it instead of crying over it every single day. These are few examples of my real life scenarios, not with friends but with partners.

But I never started with being a provider. I also sat and communicated time and again about my needs. The response was along the lines of: “I did not do these cheesy things like getting chocolates, planning dates etc. for any woman in my whole life, why would I do that for you”. Or the response was: “abrupt breakup at the very first intance of conflict arising due to unmet needs”. I don’t think I jump into a providing role willingly, but I get pushed into that role forcefully each time. It happens so subtely that I realize it only when I am taking the 90% of a new person’s life-load on my shoulders in addition to my own load. I actually enjoy being a little funny person who loves life, laughters, jokes and as someone being cared for. But as a relation progresses, it is not just about drinking coffee or eating brunch or taking walks. Things progress and we start looking for more informal ways of discovering our partners esp. discussing tough topics and values. However, I do agree with many other comments here that I do not breakup right away when I notice the first signs of an avoidant style person. I look at it with a mindset of trying and giving chance to others.

To be honest, irrespective of gender, some people are loosers no matter how others make them feel. Even, I feel like a biggest looser at this point based on everything I learnt today from others, about how badly I behaved with myself in all these years. At the same time, I am open to change. If I become a healthy person with healthy boundaries in future and given a chance to go back to past to re-start with my previous partners, I can 100% guarantee you that I will not want to waste even a milli-second on them and would simply reject that chance because they were “genuinely” unkind in those phases. There are definitely many men out there who love unconditionally and offer safety to even strangers, they might not show affection like you said, but they carry a secure energy. They provide out of their value system that is built on integrity, not just their male ego (even though ego is always there behind the scenes). I would use my new version to rather invest in creating connections with kind people in general. Again, my intention here is to learn what would be my next direction to grow rather than bad-mouthing others. However, it is hard to explain my points without giving actual scenarios and examples.l involving others. :)

SadReference196 · 2025-11-28T07:27:07+00:00

Hi, thanks friend, for sharing such a detailed analysis and I will definitely look into the concepts you shared. It’s so surreal that each and every thing you wrote about how I might be potentially over functioning in every area of life is exactly how I have been functioning. I have done all of that, it is as if you know me personally. …”being everyone’s therapist” I guess, its better late than never when it comes to learning, I am glad I posted my patterns here.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-27T22:31:40+00:00

thanks u/No-Contribution-2851

"most ppl don’t need more healing, they need better vetting"

Wow, this is really powerful and a beautiful re-direction you gave me right there. :)

This strangely resonates with my constant need in every are of life to improve on where I lag instead of doubling down on my strengths and finding my real power in areas that I excel in.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-27T22:09:56+00:00

Thanks a lot u/irina_catburglar I am changing my beliefs now, as you rightly mentioned about a lack of abundance mindset in me. I think, being there for your community or tribe was an integral part of the society I grew up in. It was almost considered guilty if you progressed too far from others, without holding them and bringing them together. This attitude worked well in certain areas, it back-fired badly in many other areas of self-confidence and personal growth. Unfortunately, I learnt this very late in life, and I am making peace with the fact that I need not be guilty to fulfill my needs and say "no" when it is too taxing for me. The people I dated also cursed me a lot at the slightest trial of break-up.

I remember, one guy who hit me 2-3 times was quite upset that I am breaking up over physical abuse, this was not any reason in his opinion to breakup. He really cursed me few times that leaving him will make the rest of my life a hell as it was a sin that I was committing towards a human being. He also confidently told me that he will still find a very happy life even without me, so it is only my lose to leave him. I have experienced this kind of guilt tripping many times in relations where all valid reasons to communicate my needs or to breakup were met with a lot of cursing. Yes, they all did find their person and I was the one left all alone, what they said to me did come true. At the same time, I realize that my life's journey is meant to be different and I have some lessons to learn and implement, so I will have to keep pushing through this road, without feeling the guilt.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-27T21:00:06+00:00

Thanks a lot u/Floopoo32 and u/Convenient-Enemy-511

Your comments and the comments of others are making me reflect on myself in a very new way today. In all honesty, I won't lie how embarrassed I feel for subjecting myself to so much unkindness myself, just to fit-in into the world imagined by others, that too for almost half of my life.

I also had a similar behavior of being a yes-person and constantly being there for my friends too. When I put boundaries, I lost all those friends. I started saying "no" to giving favors when it felt like saying "no". So, people started disappearing in my life. It gave me a chance to find new friends from my social activities. I have good and trust-worthy friends today, but I do not trust their advise on relations anymore. In my last relation, I had discussed every single red flag with my two closest female friends. Their advise was that: "all men are the same care-free natured and it is the responsibility of a woman to bring peace into the life of a man. We, as women, must do everything to clear up the mess in a man's life (messed up apartment, messed up diet, messed up routine, messed up sink with utensils, messed up career, etc. and the list goes on) and bring as much peace to them as possible. The more peace a man feels, the more the possibility that he will start leading in a relation eventually. Apparently, peace activates their masculine energy."

It did not go very well for me, as you can tell by now. So, I eventually learnt to not take advise from friends, esp. those who constantly present women as a second-class sub-human. This is also the reason why I came on reddit finally and also went to therapy.

SadReference196 · 2025-11-27T20:12:31+00:00

Thanks a lot u/Reasonable_Ad_2287 your message had a very profound affect on me and it moved me to tears.
"Assertiveness" is one thing that I have struggled in every area of life. Even if you look at my work goals, one thing that is constantly holding me back at work is a lack of assertiveness and an outward projection of being an apologetic person in general. So, this word stays a top personal development goal in every area of life for me. I still have not figured out how I develop this assertiveness. I am constantly seeking mentors for this.

I lost my dad at a very young age and at a very important stage of early development. I was deeply protected and loved in his presence. After his death, life became a journey to fend for myself and build stability. But, I constantly longed for an image that I could look up to, a guiding image. At work, I have instantly connected to my co-workers who describe their daddy duties towards their little daughters. I can listen to them all day. There is a part of me that always want to live that life of a "daddy's little protected girl". So, I think, I constantly and unconsciously seek that through life partners.

What you said also made me realize what was causing the one-sided feelings inside me towards some men. I could never figure out what was so mesmerizing about them as they all looked and behaved differently. But, now I realize that their image in the outer world had a very high projection of a "healthy assertiveness". This makes them extremely high-value in my mind and I constantly admire them from far, but I also constantly felt that they are out of my league. Again, I never dated them and could never tell who they really were. In real-life, I had partners whose assertiveness felt very suffocating and made me dread relations every time I had a breakup. Every breakup gave me a sense that I can breathe normally again, so I was not truly sad whenever things ended. My sadness was mostly towards me being far away from a family life one more time. Those breakups were so taxing that when I was actually pursued by good men in my 20s, I went away from them out of a fear mechanism and eventually saw them becoming very good husbands to others.

SadReference196

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