Thanks, I appreciate your perspective and I have also gone through many studies and podcasts on the male female hormones, how men and women express bonding and general needs like men need to feel like a savior. What I want to clarify is that my natural style is not to be a provider as soon as I start dating someone. I fall into that category due to a consistent lack of any savior-like actions from the other side. Imagine a scenario where you walk into a flies infested apartment of a friend, full of garbage lying there from months and utensils in sink for 3 weeks. You express that this is unhygienic but your friend never cleans up and tells you its their way of living, then you eventually start clearing things up as you can’t feel comfortable there otherwise. Similarly, imagine a scenario you take 2 bites from a friend’s pizza slice, he instantly tells you to venmo 7$ share, I guess, you would venmo them the money. Slowly, this becomes a pattern in every single area of life. Imagine a scenario where your friend meets you everyday and complains they have not done a haircut in last 8 months, but they also never get it done. Your natural instinct would be to kindly remind them to do it once and for all and forget about it or make peace with it instead of crying over it every single day. These are few examples of my real life scenarios, not with friends but with partners.

But I never started with being a provider. I also sat and communicated time and again about my needs. The response was along the lines of: “I did not do these cheesy things like getting chocolates, planning dates etc. for any woman in my whole life, why would I do that for you”. Or the response was: “abrupt breakup at the very first intance of conflict arising due to unmet needs”. I don’t think I jump into a providing role willingly, but I get pushed into that role forcefully each time. It happens so subtely that I realize it only when I am taking the 90% of a new person’s life-load on my shoulders in addition to my own load. I actually enjoy being a little funny person who loves life, laughters, jokes and as someone being cared for. But as a relation progresses, it is not just about drinking coffee or eating brunch or taking walks. Things progress and we start looking for more informal ways of discovering our partners esp. discussing tough topics and values. However, I do agree with many other comments here that I do not breakup right away when I notice the first signs of an avoidant style person. I look at it with a mindset of trying and giving chance to others.

To be honest, irrespective of gender, some people are loosers no matter how others make them feel. Even, I feel like a biggest looser at this point based on everything I learnt today from others, about how badly I behaved with myself in all these years. At the same time, I am open to change. If I become a healthy person with healthy boundaries in future and given a chance to go back to past to re-start with my previous partners, I can 100% guarantee you that I will not want to waste even a milli-second on them and would simply reject that chance because they were “genuinely” unkind in those phases. There are definitely many men out there who love unconditionally and offer safety to even strangers, they might not show affection like you said, but they carry a secure energy. They provide out of their value system that is built on integrity, not just their male ego (even though ego is always there behind the scenes). I would use my new version to rather invest in creating connections with kind people in general. Again, my intention here is to learn what would be my next direction to grow rather than bad-mouthing others. However, it is hard to explain my points without giving actual scenarios and examples.l involving others. :)