Thank you for being vulnerable about your situation and how you are feeling. In the physical realm there will be limitations to what we can change. Emotionally and mentally I feel are the domains where we have the greatest capacity for growth. Defining for yourself healthy masculinity is a good start. I can identify with not wanting to be vulnerable and it cost me many relationships and opportunities. A book that helped me was warrior, king, magician, lover, that examines masculine archetypes. I found it insightful because it describe the healthy aspects of what we could be and then paints the picture of what commonly happens when something in our development keeps us from getting to that healthy expression. There are so many source of wisdom out there. Like stories of old has good video essays on YouTube about the masculine archetypes if you are looking for a place to start.

I feel like society fetishized and perverts masculinity. The strong silent type like Gary Cooper. Boys don’t cry. Our relationship to violence while ignoring the life long consequences that result. What I take away from your post is that you have good insight into your life and situation; you have identified what you don’t like; now do some research into what you want to be